Looking to 2009....

As I sat down to write my new year's resolutions today I read some of my favorite blogs while I thought. Coming2Terms had an infertile's guide to new years resolutions. I enjoyed hers and am thinking about them but I have some for me...
I resolve to:

• Continue setting limits at work and not feeling guilty for saying no.
• Take better care of myself and DH physically, mentally and emotionally.
• Have fun whenever possible and not let my worries get in the way.
• Laugh as much as possible and to try to bring joy into people's lives.
• Be thankful for what I have, not sad for what I don't have yet.
• Tell the people who mean a lot to me, just how much they mean.
  

I think that's a pretty good list of resolutions... some will be easy; telling those I love how much they mean to me. Some will be challenging; setting limits at work and being happy for what I have, not sad about the family I want. It should be an interesting year... lots of possibilities!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Terrific Tuesdays

Geez- the holiday season sure has me off track, it just dawned on me that today is a terrific Tuesday!

Today is terrific because...

• It is DH's birthday! Happy Birthday!
• I surprised DH with his birthday present.
• We had sushi for lunch.
• I am on vacation.
• We are ringing in the new year with friends and family.
• I am going to open and play my new Little Big Planet (TOTALLY fun for those of you who don't know!)
• I just made banana bread and baking makes me happy!

Why is today terrific for YOU?

Happy Birthday DH

Today is DH's birthday! It's tough for him having a birthday so close to Christmas so I try to make an extra big deal about it. He's at work right now and I am waiting to head over there to kidnap him for a Sushi lunch! The best part about his birthday so far is that I TOTALLY surprised him with his gift.

Usually he knows what he's getting because he likes big ticket items so typically he gets really big stuff for Christmas/Birthday but this year he got his iPhone for Christmas and I am sure that he was expecting me to wrap up the box again for his birthday but nope!!! This morning he found his present after playing "hot and cold" (much to his reluctance) and he was so thrilled. He got a coffee maker, one of those Keurig ones and he is totally psyched. Unfortunately he was on call this morning and got called into work before he could use it. Seeing that look of complete surprise on his face was totally worth it. Now if only I could surprise him with a pregnancy annoucement too. Maybe for our anniversary in July...

Almost the end...

I always get reflective this time of the year, looking back on what was and beginning to look ahead to what will be.
2008 brought us
The purchase of our first home... and LOTS of home repairs!
We got our second dog, Bella who turned 1 year old this week.
We lost our cat Gus. He got out and never returned. He was so amazing and affectionate that we are SURE someone took him in but it still breaks our hearts.
A loss of hope in getting pregnant on our own, but a sense of togetherness in conquering this hurdle together.
The completion of my master's degree.
An opportunity to reconnect with friends and family we had fallen out of touch with.
All things considered 2008 was a good year.

Tomorrow I will look ahead to 2009 and the hopes and dreams we are placing there...

Penelope

DH got up this morning and found that our little dog had been sick in her kennel all night. I took her outside while he cleaned up. We talked about how we shouldn't have let her partake in the festivities last night; bad parents. He came back downstairs and shared that it was truly odd but everything he cleaned up smelled like mints. Well we racked our brains and there was nothing minty ANYONE ate yesterday. It turns out when DH and I spent some time alone, she got into the bag of premium mint m&ms my sister gave us...
Thankfully she has full energy right now, in fact she's whining at me because I am making her stay on the tile in case she gets sick again. She is however taking a trip to the vet in an hour when they open!
In other puppy news, Bella turns 1 today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BELLA! (I laughed when I wrote "little" because although B is a year younger than P, she out weighs her 55 pounds to 4 pounds!)

Blessed

Today I remember just how blessed I am. I have an amazing husband who loves me with all of his heart, supportive parents and in laws who treat me as their own. A sister and brother in law who are just the best friends you can think of. Two sister in laws and their spouses who always remember to let us know they care and two nephews who always make me smile and who remind me that sometimes things ARE just as they seem. I am so blessed today... I hope you are as well. Merry Christmas!

Wonderful Wednesday

I forgot all about Terrific Tuesdays this week with all the ICLW excitement so I am going to have to catch up...
Tuesday was wonderful because:
The school kids were so excited about Christmas
I have 12 entire days off
Someone plowed my driveway on Monday
Everyone is coming to MY house for Christmas breakfast
I got my first Christmas CD EVER thanks to a coworker who recognized this deficiency in my music collection (and yes, I celebrate Christmas, I am Catholic but NEVER had a Christmas CD)
We have a door on our coat closet

There is lots to be thankful for this week!

Holiday Crazies!

I am on VACATION!!! 12 GLORIOUS days of no teaching! This will give me enough time to miss the kiddos and remind me that I love kindergarten. This last week has been tough- the kids were STRESSED... some of my most mature 5 and 6 year olds were reduced to tears when things didn't go exactly as planned. The week was stressful here too but DH and I tried to get holiday shopping done ahead of time and we treated ourselves to dinner out twice because neither of us could deal with cooking. Now I am on vacation and ready to relax....

Oh on another note we got about 2 feet of snow here in Maine on Sunday night and Monday morning (school was NOT canceled) and the bank at the end of our driveway was up to my waist thanks to the town plow guy (Even though we'd shoveled at 9:30 that night). We managed to shovel enough to get the cars out but I knew I'd have to plow when I got home. There was some sort of Christmas Elf though who came and PLOWED my WHOLE driveway! I am grateful to the Christmas Elf who rescued me from shoveling. :-)

ICLW

Been behind on ICLW this week, have been working on my comments but it's been so busy with the holidays. One thing I noticed that others have been doing is a little introduction...

My name is *T* and I teach kindergarten. DH and I have been ttc since March of 2008. We decided we'd just "see what happens" and it was amazing that the next month I didn't get my period. Did lots of hpts but all negative. I finally went into the doctor and she called me back to tell me, not only did my blood work show that I was NOT pregnant but rather that I had PCOS which she told me is the leading cause of infertility in women my age. I was devastated. We went to see an RE who says he can help us get a baby but it may be a much longer road than we anticipated. We are aggressively beginning fertility treatments in 2009....

My blog is an attempt to figure out who I am, who we are, and to document this journey to have the baby we've always wanted!

Moms...

I had recovered from the Target incident but have still been emotionally shaky this weekend. Went out to lunch with my mom this weekend and a pregnant lady gets sat next to us. My mom, I KNOW she was trying to be supportive, patted me on the arm and assured me "that will be you next Christmas honey." All I could do was nod.

It's like the closer that treatment gets the less emotionally stable I feel. I have had the luxury of living with the hope of these treatments working.... but what if they don't? I don't think I am ready for my hope to go away and to deal with disappointment and the obsession of testing every 28 days. I am just getting nervous that Clomid which we've been pinning all our baby hopes on, may not be the panacea that we are thinking it is...

Tears in Target

Thursday night I told DH we HAD to finish our Christmas shopping or I was going to have a fit. Off we went to pick up the last few things for our families. We weren't even near the baby stuff when it began, we were near the tissues actually which turned out to be fortuitous. All of a sudden I was reminded of a conversation my mother and I had a couple years previous around Christmas time. I don't even remember who told it now but...

One of us knew someone who was pregnant. The woman announced it at Christmas to her parents by giving them t-shirts that said #1 Grammy and #1 Grampy. I know my mom hopes someday that I announce my pregnancy in a similar way.

Standing there in Target though I was just overcome with such sadness that once again she won't have the promise of a grand-baby under the tree....

Terrific Tuesdays

Today was terrific for many reasons:

• I got enough sleep last night
• My excitement level matched that of my students
• I shoveled my ENTIRE driveway- See pictures!
• I finished my shopping for the kids in my life (kindergarten, nephews, friends etc.)
• I got to do some reading for fun!
  

I LOVE terrific Tuesdays!

Yeah- I shoveled ALL that! WOO HOO!!!

Show and Tell Ice Storm 2008

This week for Show and Tell I am bringing pictures of the ice storm we've been having up here in Maine. I haven't had an opportunity to post for a few days due to the fact that we had no power for 48 hours. We had to stay with my parents because our house has no heat with no power- stinking electric pilot on our monitor heater! We were lucky though- no damage to the house, the pipes didn't freeze, and the trees that fell missed our house!

Terrific Tuesday

My Christmas tree is up and that is why today is terrific!

Seriously?!

The cold I've been battling has finally been getting better. I can breathe through my nose about 70% of the time and I have my energy back. This morning however I woke up but my eyes wouldn't open. I tried not to panic and reached my hand up only to find they had crusted shut over night. I have no luck....

I went into work (I teach kindergarten) because I am not going to be defeated by conjunctivitis so easily but my nurse confirmed it and sent me to the doctor who WOULDN"T GIVE ME ANY ANTIBIOTICS. She said to check my school policy and to wait for it to clear up. I am super annoyed because my body finally feels great and it's my stinking eyes that are going to keep me home- not to mention that DH won't come near me unless he sees I've used hand sanitizer. BLAH Oh well, if I have to stay home I have plenty of NBPTS stuff to catch up on!

Show and Tell

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Click here to see other show and tell participants!

Super Saturday

Today we had a really nice day. I woke up, caught up on Survivor- GO BOB (I am proud he's from Maine and teaches in my home town!), read some of Twilight and then got ready for the day. We spent the better part of the day with DH's sister and her family including our two nephews who I just adore. After that we went and got DH's Christmas gift- an iPhone. He is so happy he is cleaning the house right now while I Blog. I don't think days get any better than this! :-) It's nice to feel relaxed and happy for a minute.

Nightmares

I have not been sleeping well. It's not for lack of trying either on mine or DH's parts- he even swapped sides of the bed with me to see if that cured it but nothing has. Last night was one of the most frightening to date...

I dreamed I finally had the babies I've always wanted. Triplets in fact- one girl and identical twin boys. No one would let me at them though. They whisked them away and I felt so helpless. I was allowed to see the boys eventually but my sweet baby girl was kept from me still. I finally found her and she was sick. Hooked up to machines, they told me she wouldn't live. Every time I tried to touch her either I couldn't reach or it would harm her more. I woke up literally heart broken.

These are the types of dreams I am having on a nightly basis even with the aid of sleeping pills and I just can't do it anymore. I am at the point where I don't want to go to bed because I am afraid of what will happen. Not all of my dreams are tragic about my unborn children but they are all stressful and upsetting. I once went through an entire day not speaking to DH because I dreamed he had cheated on me and the hurt and betrayal was so raw I couldn't speak to him.

I am not sure what I can do but I know that if I don't get some quality sleep soon I am going to lose it.

I forgot Terrific Tuesdays

So pretend I posted this on 12/2!!

Today is terrific because:
It is my oldest(not oldest like she's the oldest person I know, but the person I have been friends with since the day she was born- 2 months after me exactly!) friend's birthday as well as her daughter's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS!
I am going to bed at 8:00 SHARP.
I am now 338 months old (I LOVE my birthday- however I may just stay this age forever it is dawning on me that life is going by rather quickly)

I LOVE terrific Tuesdays!

Platitudes

Can I just tell you how sick I am of platitudes?! Meaningless comments that EVERYONE says and they all think it is the solution to your problem. Ohhhhhh no one has EVER told me to "be patient- my baby will come." When you say it, I feel so much better and can go on with my day.

I know people mean well but I am so tired of being told that everything is ok. Basically, no one knows what's going to happen. The doctors have told me it will be incredibly difficult or impossible to ovulate or conceive on my own and that doesn't seem like a "just be patient" situation to me. I know some of them do not understand that, but some of my closest friends and family members still say things like that. I know they mean well but really, it just makes me feel like they have no idea how to talk to me or listen to me about PCOS and fertility challenges.

If one more person says to me, "your day will come", my head may explode!! :-)

Coming Out

I think I am nearly ready to come out of the fertility challenged closet.

This is a big step for me since I am a rather private person but I am at the point in my journey of self-discovery and fertility issues where I feel I need support and unfortunately those closest to me may not always be the best ones to offer support. I have been blogging but have not shared my address with anyone for fear that someone I know may find it and judge me.... but now I am over that. I have to be or I am going to crumble from keeping it all inside.

I have begun to participate in a weekly show and tell thread on one of the blogs I frequent and that has gained me some readers- surprisingly I was tickled to find people reading and not embarrassed or anxious like I had predicted. In December I am even hoping to participate in IComLeavWe so I can learn about new blogs to read and make new connections. I am scared out of my mind but am also looking forward to lending support to others in similar situations. I know it's a process but I am proud to say, I am finally out of the blogging/fertility challenged closet!

Show and Tell 2

Show and Tell time again!

I love to knit. Today, DH had to go into work for a few hours, then FIL and DH went off to do some Christmas shopping leaving me to my own devices for the better part of the day.

Oh I have PLENTY of work I could be doing, in fact I *should* be typing up my response to Entry 2 for my NBPTS but instead I decided to take the day for me and to just knit...

I made the 2 hour scarf found on the Lion Brand website and I think it came our pretty good... and I did it- tassels and all in 3 hours! I am so inspired and motivated that my NBPTS will have to wait until tomorrow while I knit a matching hat for my mother for Christmas!

Free Time

Free time has made me smile all day. DH and I had NOTHING pressing to do all day so we sat around, watched some movies, read books, knitted (me), played Guitar Hero and then we finally ran out to the grocery store. It has been a relaxing, enjoyable day.

SERIOUSLY!!!!

With everything going on lately I have been really down. Today we went out to Black Friday to get a gift for MIL. We went to Best Buy at about 8:00- we are not into the 4am crowds although we did set the alarm for 3 but decided to turn it off.

So there we are going through the Best Buy flyer and notice that Guitar Hero is on sale- not only that, it comes with 2 guitar controllers for LESS than the game with 1 controller. Um we HAD to buy it! I have since spent 3 hours ROCKING out. Pictures to come tomorrow.

BUT SERIOUSLY- Guitar Hero is the MOST fun game I've played in loooooong time!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving- I know that I did. DH and I had to have two Thanksgiving dinners- one with his family and one with mine. We are talking about fixing this in the future. It's just where they each live about 5 minutes away it's tough to say no we can't make it to both.
One of my family's traditions is to tell what we are thankful for before we eat dinner. Here is my list for 2008...
My wonderful Husband and the support he's given me through the PCOS diagnosis
My puppies- Penelope and Bella who are my furbabies and keep me on my toes
My job- students and colleagues alike
Owning our own home
My Master's Degree
Our extended family and of course or friends.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Chance that maybe we'll find better days...

That Goo-Goo Dolls song was on the radio this morning on my way to work and I cried all the rest of the way to work....
Click Here if you want to see the video.
Something about the lyrics just got to me today and started my day off emotionally. That's all I want, the chance that maybe we'll find better days.... but sometimes it just doesn't feel like we will ever get there...
Last night DH held me around the middle and put his hands on my belly and announced how excited he was that we'd be pregnant in just another 5 months (April he thought) and although I know he was trying to be helpful and to make me feel positive but really, it just bummed me out even more. Maybe we will be pregnant in 5 months with the treatments, but maybe not too. I don't know.

"And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days"

Show and Tell

This week I have decided to participate in Show and Tell...

With only 5 days until Thanksgiving you would think that turkeys would be making themselves as scarce as possible but not these guys...

This was the view from the front door of my union while I was at my National Board Workshop today. 5 of my colleagues and 2 turkeys viewed the video I am hoping to submit. My colleagues liked it and the turkeys gave it 2 gobbles!

BLAH

I hate my period...period. I remember being a little girl and wishing for it to come so I could be grown up. I remember being in my early teens and wondering why all my friends had their periods but not me... Now I HATE IT. Being uncomfortable and bloated once a month (thank to my RE keeping me on birth control until we are ready to actively treat PCOS and infertility).

Basically tonight I am feeling super blah, my emotions are running wild and all I want to do is curl up in bed with a good book but DH has other plans for us... why can't he make me do house stuff all the other days of the month?

Terrific Tuesdays

I wanted to come home and pity blog tonight. I had a super tough day at work and my real life was not much easier tonight but then I remembered- Terrific Tuesdays...

SO the reason today was terrific is because

• When my husband took me to the mall to cheer me up, someone asked me to jam with them on Rock Band!! I have long been an admirer of the game and would love to live my dream and be a rock star. I declined because I thought I'd mess up his gig but I was asked nonetheless and was really glad about it.
• Today is also terrific because my Washer and Dyer came home last night and RIGHT NOW I am doing my first load of laundry at MY own house!!

First of all it is still November

WHY DOES THE MALL LOOK LIKE A WINTER WONDERLAND?!

Yesterday the weather was icky so DH and I ventured out to the mall- just like everyone else in southern Maine. Holiday music playing in the background, Santa smiling with wailing babies, fake snow and Christmas trees in every window. I usually love the holidays but this season I feel more like a Scrooge than ever before.

Money is tight for everyone this year and I am feeling more pressure than ever to horde money due to the fact that DH and I are going to begin treatments for IF in the new year. Also I am feeling Scroogish because it seems like everyone at the mall has their happy family, walking around, smiling, waiting in line for pictures with Santa while I am asking which night is pet night to bring in my furbabies. Even the parents hauling screaming children out to the car make my uterus ache for one of my own. DH tries to make me feel better by smiling and saying how glad he is that it isn't us, but that's just one more reminder that my babymakers don't work quite right. I usually love the holidays, but this year I am not feeling it at all.... BAH HUMBUG!

Veteran's Day

DH left, Fred Right

Happy Veteran's Day and THANK YOU to all the veterans out there. We would not have all the opportunities we have today if not for those who fought for our rights and our country.

I am sad to say that growing up Veteran's Day was little more than a day off to me. Sure I heard about the Gulf War but I had no schema for that sort of thing and I never really thought about it. I didn't know anyone who was directly involved so I just enjoyed having a day off each November. Then I met Fred...

Fred is my husband's best friend. For the first 6 months we dated I was sure that Fred was a figment of DH's imagination. I hadn't met Fred, heard from Fred, seen a picture of him or had any evidence that he existed except for the stories DH told. Considering those stories it's a wonder I ever did meet Fred! For the first 6 months of our relationship Fred was in Iraq on his second tour of duty.

I met Fred once on a trip home and he was friendly and welcomed me into the family with open arms, but he was back overseas in a matter of days. I remember one Saturday I was home cleaning my apartment and the phone rang- it was Fred from Iraq. I shouted through the entire conversation convinced that he couldn't hear me and the time delay totally messed me up but he had gotted DH's e-mail that we were engaged and he promised to be home in time for the wedding which was good because DH said there was no way we could get married unless Fred was the best man.

Fred has now been home about 14 months and in that time I have gotten to know him and love him like a brother. He is now one of my best friends too. Fred is planning to return to Iraq in 2010 for his third tour of duty. Fred is the first veteran I have known so well. Bless his heart, he listens patiently to all my questions about the war and will answer them to the best of his ability. We may not always agree on his answers but I have learned from Fred that it takes a really special person to serve their country. Our soilders and veterans have a belief in this country and in what is right that does not waiver. I can't imagine where we would be today with out people like him.

Fred has made my life better by being a part of it, and I know that he and thousands of others like him have made all of our lives better.
Thank you for serving our country.

Perfect Weekend

We really had the perfect weekend this weekend. NOTHING to do except Sunday night dinner with my family. Friday night I read a book and DH caught up on the DVR. Saturday, lazing around the house then a hockey game that night- GO PIRATES! They scored 5 goals so we got free fries!! Today we ran errands this morning, bumped into FIL and got to spend some time with him, then a quick afternoon pick me up nap and dinner with my parents, sister, BIL, GM, and aunt. Now back home to just relax. What a nice weekend we had! :-)

Husband of the year

My DH is a candidate for husband of the year... let me tell you what he did for me last night...

• He accompanied me to the PCOS workshop at our local hospital. He was the only man there.
• While there anytime I got too overwhelmed to ask a question he held my hand and asked it for me.
• He listened to a woman of advanced age describe her vaginal discharge both in looks and smell.
• AND he did it all with a supportive smile upon his face.
• As we walked out together he didn't even complain at all he just held my hand and asked me if I was ok.

(once we got home and he knew I was fine emotionally that's when he informed me just how much I owe him)
AMAZING!!!!!!! I could not have asked for a better husband.

PCOS- One more step

This summer I was diagnosed with PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. I met with both my doctor, a reproductive endocrinologist and a nutritionist to help get me on the path to baby making! Tonight though DH and I are attending a class called PCOS- What next? And it is supposed to go over all the implications PCOS will have on our lives.

I am lucky- I have what my doctor calls a "mild" case. He believes with hormone therapy I should be able to get pregnant inside of a year, but PCOS has implications for the rest of my life such as insulin resistance, weight gain possibilities, ovarian cysts, annovulation and more. Although DH and I have been learning through books, articles and the internet, it will be nice to talk with other women going through this and to talk with my RE and ask all the questions that occured to me AFTER the appointment.

I am hopeful that we will learn a lot tonight- DH is worried that the evening will end in tears. Well I doubt this meeting will be more upsetting than my school workshop yesterday. When I feel stronger I will share that with you...

Election Day

I just love voting. It makes me feel like I am really doing a service to our nation. I always leave the polls with my head held high, and a smile on my face. Today was no exception. The only thing I am bumming about is my local channels have not begun predictions yet. I am interested in the national election but I am also interested in the local election- I am a teacher and my district is voting on consolidation with another school system.

Did YOU do your patriotic duty today?

IF and Marriage

When I was diagnosed with PCOS and my doctor told me it was the leading cause of infertility in women my age, I was devastated. My world really felt like it was ending and I didn't know what to do. When I told my husband all that I had learned in my 6 hours of Google searching, he was great. I told him that PCOS could mean never having children. I also offered him the opportunity to end our marriage with no guilt....

That guy! You wouldn't even believe it. He took me into his arms and told me nothing would ever make him leave me. That he would be as happy with our family of just fur babies as he would be with a family of real babies. Although I did not believe him 100% I was reassured at the time.

I have been studying about PCOS, talking with my doctor and my RE and DH has been with me each and every step of the way. The thing that I thought had the potential to end our marriage has only made it stronger. I know as crazy as I may get on the hormone treatments or as tearful as I may get each time I get a BFN, he will be there to hold my hand and assure me that he loves me and we will be a family even if it is just the two of us.

Terrific Tuesdays

I have been feeling really down lately and I did not want to post another whiny pity party post so I decided just now that I am going to begin Terrific Tuesdays! This will force me to look for the good in everything a minimum of one day a week. FYI- I usually look on the bright side of things but lately it has been tough.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Today was terrific because...

• I learned now to use Garage Band to record myself reading my NB standards so I can play them in my car.
• Two of my kids who I have been worried are not connecting to me both drew me pictures and took the effort to write my name. (HUGE in kindergarten!)
• I stayed UNDER my carb target for the day!
• I finally worked out a schedule for the next 7 months which reduced my stress level significantly.
• DH is just unbelievably understanding and supportive even though I have been in a funk.
  
• It is the LAST Tuesday in October!
  

Tears

I had been doing SO well with the whole IF thing but today it's just been really rough. No particular reason but I just have this pervading sense of loss or not being whole. On the car ride home tonight I fought back tears the entire way... I would like to blame it on hormonal imbalance but I started my new BCP yesterday and should be fine...

Maybe it is Halloween approaching, or me trying to over commit myself so I do not have to deal with what I am not doing... I dunno but today I am just full of tears. Like one of my kindergartners says "I just have to get all the water out."

For me...

Today I did something for me. Not for C, not for our unborn child(ren), just for me. Today I began the process to become a nationally board certified teacher. Actually I have been working on it independently since August but today I began working with other teachers going through the process, a support group of sorts.

It feels so good to be a part of a professional group again. I have greatly missed being a part of a professional group since I moved to Southern Maine. It feels great to be listened to and taken seriously as a professional again. This is something for me, to learn more about who I am as an educator and what motivates the decisions I make each day in my classroom.

*on a side note they provided lunch and in my lunch sack was a TASTY peanut butter cookie. YUM! T loves her cookies :-)

Diagnosis

It began back in March when I ran out of birth control pills and we decided not to fill the prescription for a few months to just "see what happens". Well what happened is I didn't get my period- so being the optimist that I am I thought we might be pregnant. Went to the doctor in May and mentioned this and so she gave me some blood tests. About two weeks later the doctor (not the nurse) called with the results...

I answered my phone because it was recess time and was really looking forward to getting news of a pregnancy. What she proceeded to tell me was quite the opposite. In fact what she gave me for a diagnosis, PCOS, is the leading cause for infertility in women my age. She told me she wasn't 100% sure but she would send me to a specialist who would give me more information. Later that day her nurse called and asked "how are you doing hon" at which point I broke down into hysterical tears only to be further upset by the fact that the specialist couldn't see me until SEPTEMBER 25th.

Now for those of you who know me- you know that having a baby has always been my dream. As a child I wanted to have more children than my great grandmother (she had 18). and now the nurses and doctors were telling me I couldn't even have one?

Well as luck would have it I called the RE myself and he got me in for July 21. He confirmed my doctor's Dx but gave us hope. Told us he had lots of success with different medications and that in a year we could hope to be pregnant. C and I left the office that day with hope. I joined a coupld of online chat goups to learn all I could about all of this new information and one thing I noticed was that not a lot of these women had the support of their insurance companies behind them.

I called mine- Anthem- and learned that not only do they not pay for any infertility but they also will not pay for diagnosis of such issues. (they do have full coverage for abortions though but that's a rant for another day). I now feel as though we are back at square one hoping for a baby we may never get and I just feel so inadequate about my body and everything. It has been a very difficult summer and to be honest, the only think I am looking forward to is getting back into the classroom...

Procrastination Queen

I am supposed to be studying right now for my National Board Certificate. I have a support group meeting this weekend and I do not want to be the person who has done the last ammount of work. Sadly at the end of a long day at school and after a tasty dinner prepared by my DH studying my standards is the last thing I want to be doing. I am thinking bottle of wine and warm bath with my American Wife book... but no.

I told DH that after dinner tonight I HAD to study. He is now playing his video game while I *work*. Since I started *studying* I have vacuumed the stairs, organized the dogs' bedroom, read the Trouble Trying To Conceive (TTTC) chat board on TheBump.com and have started blogging... I haven't been this good at procrastinating since college. Ahhhhh the good old days...

But seriously- I NEED to get back to work.... maybe I will just read a couple of blogs tonight. :-)

I got the job

The title says it all!!!

Today I interviewed for an adjunct faculty position at a local college and at the end of the interview they offered me a position. I will be teaching one class beginning in January!! I am really psyched and nervous at the same time to begin this new journey. The department chair was super nice and everyone I met there was terrific. I even got a badge!!!

YEAH!

Hope you had a good day. Fortune cookies my @$$!

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

Tonight DH brought home Chinese food for dinner. He knows I've been going through a lot lately and wanted to make things easier on me. We enjoyed our dinner but my favorite part is the free dessert- Fortune Cookies! I just get such a kick out of them.... well tonight I was kicked when I read mine:

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

Excuse me but WTF. What is that supposed to mean? The pain I am going through with the PCOS and the inability to create a child when I see women doing it effortlessly and by mistake every day of my life- THAT is supposed to open my understanding?! Let me tell you- the pain has for sure broken my shell but I am further away from understanding God's plan for me now than ever before. I really try not to judge other people's choices but REALLY?! How can some of these women have not only one child but many children- unable to take care of themselves let alone other humanbeings, not having enough time for their children, telling them they are useless and leaving it up to me as their teacher to take care of them and make them feel loved. It's just too much.

As I sat here being upset over this Chinese "wisdom" my pomeranian took the fortune and hid it under the bed. Hmmmm maybe the second fortune I got just came true: "An important person will offer you support." Maybe the Chinese aren't so far off afterall?

American Wife

This book American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld has consumed me today. I walked by it in Borders, and being the frugal gal I am, requested it at my local library. I've been waiting over a month for it to come in and it has not disappointed me. The only reason I have a moment to blog about it now is because I was interrupted by my sister's 25th birthday party and I've only just returned....

There was one line that struck me though.... "I'd traded friendship for romance, companionship for a husband..." Talking about choosing her to be husband over her best friend. The reason that got to me was because this happened to bme 2 years ago. Almost 2 years ago exactly infact. To be honest I never really took time to reflect upon what happened with my friend, but I knew with certainty that my DH was the person I was to be with for the rest of my life and if H couldn't be supportive, then I no longer wanted her in my life.... Reading today though made me reflect on the whole situation- now where I am in my life could we become friends again? Was there another way to have my DH and friend too? Hmmmmmm....

INTERVIEW!!

As you may know, I am a teacher. I currently teach kindergarten. Lately though I've been thinking about getting into the world of college teaching. My husband, ever helpful, found an education faculty position open. I applied yesterday and today they wanted to schedule an interview with me!!!! CAN YOU STAND IT?!

The interview is Tuesday, October 21 and I am just beside myself with excitement. I know it's just a start, and an adjunct position, but still- this would be a place to start and get my feet wet to know if this is something I truly want to pursue. :-) I am just over the moon with excitement!

Weekend

We FINALLY had a relaxing weekend at home. That was something that DH and I have needed for AWHILE now and even though he was on call- we achieved it.

On Friday night we ordered our favorite pizza and watched a movie. Saturday we ran errands and had a bonfire at our house with friends and family and then Sunday brought more relaxing at home just enjoying each other's company. Today I had the day off but DH had to work so I caught up on America's Next Top Model and Jon and Kate Plus Eight! Plus I got the house in order so my week feels more organized tomorrow. I have to say- today I am feeling the most relaxed and at peace I have in months. Amazing what a weekend free from obligations can do to you!

Meltdown

So I had a small meltdown today at work.

This year I am in survival mode- I have too many students, not enough hours in the day, and I am unable to meet each of their needs in any given school day. I am overwhelmed which is a feeling I have not had in years. I finally cracked today and just burst into tears because I feel like I am not able to give my students all that I want to.

I hate crying at work. It makes me feel even worse- not only do I feel like I cannot do my job but there I am blubbering about it- all in all a pretty terrible day. And not only that but there is simply no solution. The district in which I work is being funded at the bare minimum this year by both the town and our state. There is simply no room for extra support and so not only am I overwhelmed and have broken down, but there is no solution in sight.

DH thinks I have taken on too much again but this year I have been really good. I have only signed up for one committee and I am not even bringing that home with me. Setting boundaries was my goal this year and I am doing fine with that in regards to extra professional duties, but am having trouble setting boundaries on what I expect from myself...

Halloween

The fall season is in full swing and the kids at school are getting excited about Halloween. Most of my class has decided what they want to be already!

Struggling with fertility, I am finding autumn the toughest season. Pregnant ladies out picking apples, new babies at the fair, families on hay rides, it just feels so hopeless to me. I am trying to stay positive and DH is being supportive assuring me that someday that will be us with our baby all snuggled up at the fair... it just seems impossible at this moment so I am going to focus on my puppy babies...

This is Penelope's Halloween costume from last year... she was a lobster. We are looking for costume suggestions for Ms. Penny P for this Halloween and for Bella- our big Shar Pei too. The dogs like to go trick or treating with our nephews and they like to get into the spirit too- any ideas???

Cards

So DH and I have taken to playing cards with my parents. At first it was just cribbage and that was a fun thing to do after Sunday night dinners. Then a few weeks ago my parents wanted to teach us a different game (which I have no idea how to spell so I will use my phonics knowledge) Shalamine.

This is a game that I always watched my parents play with my memere and pepere but I've never played. I was excited to learn this game that the grown ups always played and it was pretty fun the first few hands. Then the reminiscing started in about my pepere who passed away 10 years ago (WOW I can't believe it's been that long) and it was actually quite hard. My parents were telling stories about him and it was making me sad to think that I didn't get to know him in the ways they were talking about....

It's nice that DH and I are starting a new tradition with my parents but it just saddens me that someday it might be us reminiscing about how pepere (my dad) used to play, and couldn't stand to loose, and would try to cheat....

Singer

As I've put forth the purpose of the next 6 months of my life is to discover who I am before I begin trying to conceive (with medical help).

Driving home this afternoon I discovered I am a singer. Long suspected I have of my singing talent but today it was solidified- I am a singer. Now if I wanted to share my talents with the world I am confident that I would blow away all the judges on American Idol and be the top grossing music artist with a shelf full of Grammy awards but I don't. Despite my overwhelming singing talents, I feel that my life's purpose is actually to teach children to read. As noble as that is, I still feel a sadness depriving the world from my amazing voice- at least in the shower and my car. :-)

BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!

Yup- it is my birthday week. I do not believe in just birthdays- that's too short and not enough of a celebration but I can now officially say that it is my birthday week! On Thursday, October 2, 2008 I will cease to be 27 and will celebrate my 28th birthday. I love my birthday. I love that on that day everyone I know calls me, and we finally catch up on things. I love birthday cake, presents, and just the entire day!

This year though my actual birthday day is going to be scant which is why I can truly justify the birthday week I've always wanted!! My parents are going out of town for my birthday, my husband has not only to work that day but has a very late meeting, and above and beyond my regular classroom duties I also have recess duty and an 8 am training. BLAH. I fully intend to make the most of the next 7 days though!

Yes, I realize

Yes, I do realize that it is only 8:22 in the morning and that cookies for breakfast dessert are not really ideal but do YOU realize the day I have in front of me?! So in the last few quiet moments before my kindergarten students grace me with their presence I am going to enjoy my chocolate chip cookie and my tea.

It's noon somewhere right?!

Bathrooms

I love bathrooms. I really do- I love how people decorate them, the different sizes, although the purpose of a bathroom is almost always the same, they are so very different. You really get to see a different side of people when you visit their bathroom.

Last January 18 DH and I bought a home. We wanted to redo 2 of the rooms- the kitchen for him (he is the cook in the family, good thing too or we'd survive on meatloaf and mac and cheese) and the bathroom for me (I love bathrooms). DH wanted to get me a Jacuzzi tub, paint the bathroom in my favorite colors and wanted to tile the floor. Well today it is September 21 that is 8 months and 3 days since we closed on the home and my bathroom is JUST about done!!! The wainscoting went up today and the vanity is now nailed in. The floor got finished about a month ago and the tub has been in since March so only the walls have to be painted and the chair rail installed. My birthday is in 11 says (but who's counting?!) and DH has promised me a finished bathroom by then- I SERIOUSLY cannot wait! Pictures to follow. :-)

PCOS

This summer my doctor broke the news to me that she thought I had PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. What this means is that I don't develop eggs like most women. My eggs don't ripen enough and instead of being released, they stay in me and my ovaries become cystic (or filled with cysts). PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women in their teens and twenties.

So, I was referred to a fertility specialist since we would like to have children someday. He was hopeful for us and made us feel like children could be in our future. Still the summer was tough- anyone who knows me knows that children have always been a goal of mine and I have never imagined a future without a family. I am unbelievably lucky because in one of my over hormonal, depresssed (another side effect of PCOS) moments I told DH that he could divorce me and I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to be with a broken woman. I still thank my lucky stars every day that he chalked it up to hormones and promised that he would love me and be my family no matter if we had 10 babies or no babies.

I have had 4 months to learn about PCOS and the implications for my life (they range beyond limited fertility) and DH has been beside me each and every step of the way. I am beginning to work on defining myself as more than an infertile woman and to claim the parts of my life that are for me and DH alone because if having babies is not in the cards for us, I need to be more than a broken woman. I am working on it in the next few months as we take a break from trying to concieve. We will begin the babyquest again in the spring once some things wrap up for me at work. Until then I need to learn that I am enough without a baby because if I am not, how can I be enough FOR my baby? I gotta tell you, it's tough, but there is lots of support out there and I know that no matter what my family looks like, I will love it and I will be loved.

Cookies

I have long thought that cookies are the perfect food. I mean really- what is there NOT to like about them?! So there is my blog name; T and Cookies... just a girl- *T* making her way in the world while she enjoys cookies while moderating her intake at the same time! Hope you enjoy!!

PS My favorite cookies are a twist on the classic: Oatmeal Chocolate Chip... Tasty and nutritious :-)

Who am I?

Starting my blog I think I should answer that question. I have been thinking about it all day. Here is what I found out:

I am a teacher, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a reader, a woman, a knitter, a puppy mommy, a fan of reality TV, a student, a writer, a scholar, a singer, a dancer and more...

While I was thinking about who I am much of what I thought of first was defining myself in terms of other people and I am going to make an attempt NOT to do that in this blog but rather to be me, pure, plain and simple....