PCOS

This summer my doctor broke the news to me that she thought I had PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. What this means is that I don't develop eggs like most women. My eggs don't ripen enough and instead of being released, they stay in me and my ovaries become cystic (or filled with cysts). PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women in their teens and twenties.

So, I was referred to a fertility specialist since we would like to have children someday. He was hopeful for us and made us feel like children could be in our future. Still the summer was tough- anyone who knows me knows that children have always been a goal of mine and I have never imagined a future without a family. I am unbelievably lucky because in one of my over hormonal, depresssed (another side effect of PCOS) moments I told DH that he could divorce me and I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to be with a broken woman. I still thank my lucky stars every day that he chalked it up to hormones and promised that he would love me and be my family no matter if we had 10 babies or no babies.

I have had 4 months to learn about PCOS and the implications for my life (they range beyond limited fertility) and DH has been beside me each and every step of the way. I am beginning to work on defining myself as more than an infertile woman and to claim the parts of my life that are for me and DH alone because if having babies is not in the cards for us, I need to be more than a broken woman. I am working on it in the next few months as we take a break from trying to concieve. We will begin the babyquest again in the spring once some things wrap up for me at work. Until then I need to learn that I am enough without a baby because if I am not, how can I be enough FOR my baby? I gotta tell you, it's tough, but there is lots of support out there and I know that no matter what my family looks like, I will love it and I will be loved.