*THE Talk*

We've been having chats about fertility since I was diagnosed with PCOS but had really put TTC on the back burner as we processed this new information/speed bump. We have been to our doctors, an RE, and classes at the local hospital. We haven't actually had an official "what we're going to do" talk. We had agreed to go on BCP until April when we would begin treatments with the RE but the RE made that recommendation and now DH and I have more information and it was time for us to reevaluate what is right for us. Hence THE Talk.

THE Talk was scheduled for Saturday but in true *T* fashion I simply couldn't wait. I offered to take DH out to a restaurant with adult beverages (aka liquid courage) Friday after work to discuss this weighty topic. I knew being at home would be too emotional and the distraction of being in public would help me stay calm.

2 margaritas into the night I asked him to tell me his thoughts. He took my hands and with all seriousness said "we will do whatever it takes to get a little baby, anything that you are comfortable with, but I need to know when we are going to put this behind us and begin living our life again." He let me come up with the deadline (4 years- now until September 2013) and I understand and was almost relieved to have a deadline in mind too. He's right- we need to say at some point that God didn't mean for us to bring children into this world even with the medical technology he's provided. If in 4 years we still don't have a child then it will be time to move on and begin accepting that our family is going to be us and all the dogs we can possibly love. And that will have to be ok. He did say that if by chance it just happens after 4 years we will be THRILLED, just in 4 years it will need to not be the focus of our life.

My part of the talk was more trying to hammer out things about logistics and trying to settle our religious beliefs with our desire for a child and what is too much for me. I think we have a plan in mind now but the saddest part of the chat was when we realized maybe we'd have to Google "how to get pregnant." because clearly neither of us knows how! lol we had a good laugh over that and I DID Google it the next day and today I am glad to say we are officially back on the babymaking train again. Happy February 1st!

Last Night's Posting...

I've gotten some interesting responses to my post last night and I'd like to respond.

First of all I am not going to apologize for my feelings about the news story about the Octuplets. I can feel mad, sad, jealous, outraged- my feelings are my own and they are what they are based on where I am in my life right now and the experiences I have had just as your opinions are your own as well. That being said...

I think of fertility treatments as science and it is something I view extremely seriously. I see fertility treatments as a lifesaver for couples (or a woman on her own who has thought through her options) battling with a heart wrenching journey to have children. In my opinion they are for people who want children and for whatever reasons are unable to have them the old fashioned, fun way without medical/scientific support. So (here it is) I do not believe that fertility treatments are best used for convenience.

"Geez I would really like to have a baby in May because that's just a great time to be pregnant" or "I'd like to have a large family and wouldn't it be easier to do in one fell swoop?" I do not believe that is the purpose for fertility treatments. I know that people may disagree with me but that is what I believe. I think that people who have NOT been told that they are broken and can't create life on their own even though that is all they've ever lived for, believe fertility treatments are for. In our instant gratification world some people are even trying to make having children and families a convienience and I am not sure that's God's plan for us. I know it is not His plan for me. Maybe I am wrong, but then I will answer for that with Him on Judgement Day.

Each woman and family needs to make their own decision but I couldn't let it stand that my opinion of yesterday was being challenged. I respect the woman who had the Octuplets decisions, and hope she made the right choice for her, her family, and the welfare of those babies but I don't have to agree with it or be happy with it and I am entitled to say that I am sad and jealous and shocked.

*This has NOTHING to do with selective reduction by the way-that's another post for another day but just FYI it's not something I'd ever be able to do but that's just me*

Parental Controls (Internet Restrictions) for the Infertile

DH believes I should have restrictions on what I can view (read obsess) about on the internet. I tend to read, read, read on a subject (usually PCOS or fertility related). Sometimes I become educated, sometimes I become sad, sometimes I become indignant...

This week my internet reading has been about the lady who had octuplets. My first thought was, WOW that is amazing- WAY more kids than I can handle, but good for her and her husband to have a family after what was probably a long journey on the road of IF. Then the story broke that she already had 6 children of her own. I've been a little upset (read obsessed) with their story since then. Now I have no idea what the truth is but it seems to be the consensus in all the stories that the family does already have 6 children of their own. Now I am not usually one to judge and NEVER one to speak out about it but COME ON. I dunno I feel badly even writing this but I've had some liquid courage tonight (DH and I had our baby planning talk a day early- more to come on that tomorrow) and I am just mad that I can't even have one and some people have 14!!!!!!!!! Not only that but the fertility "experts" are all talking about the situation and many people who are uneducated are posting/publishing about how fertility treatments are bad and ignorant and lead to a litter of babies everytime.... I am just frustrated.

Ok time to put myself to bed, I am moving from the giggly phase to the pissed off phase very quickly- see this is when DH's internet controls would come in handy.

Snow

There is so much snow. Our snowbanks at my personal house are over my head. It's pretty crazy. I don't think we even have space for more snow, but that won't stop Mother Nature I am sure!

We were out cleaning up tonight- DH snow blowing and myself cleaning up small areas with a shovel when he came and snow blowed me a little fort! :-) I know that wasn't quite his intention but I thought it was the perfect fort actually. That is when I was reaffirmed that being an elementary teacher was the right calling for me. I was reminded of all the forts my dad used to dig out for me when I was a kiddo. I sat in the fort by DH for a few minutes and then it was back to work. Can't wait until we have our own kids to play in the forts that I know my husband will make for them!

I guess the snow isn't ALL bad.

Terrific Tuesdays

It's been a few weeks since I've remembered to blog about terrific Tuesdays!
For those of you visiting from ICLW: It's so easy to get bogged down in the worry, emotion and stress of fertility challenges. I have set aside Tuesdays each week to write about all the things terrific that have happened in just that one day. No matter how bad my day was (and today was a doozy) there are always some terrific things I can write about! :-)

Today was terrific because:
I had a really nice dream last night and woke up feeling peaceful and relaxed.
I woke up to find that I had guessed correctly on a blog challenge!! See the post below for more information.
School was actually quite good, the kids were following directions, we got to play outside and I got everything done that I wanted to accomplish with the kids.
It looks like we will be having a snow day tomorrow! (I really don't want one because it messes up when the 100th day will be BUT I could use it for my mental health)

Today was terrific for lots of reasons!

YAY ME!!!

I won!!

This morning I woke up to this lovely comment:

WiseGuy said...

Let me cheer you up a bit....you have won!

Don't know what I am talking about? Check this out:

http://ovulationticker.blogspot.com/2009/01/along-came-t.html

You had submitted your guess for my photo show and tell, and you came out with the perfect answer! Cheers!

HOORAY!!! I NEVER guess anything right- and that was before my first cup of tea!! Thanks WiseGuy :-)

Hot Tub Confessions

My mother calls her hot tub "truth serum". That's because for some reason both she and I just seem to spill all of our secrets once inside. Each time I enter the warm bubbles, I do so with a renewed sense of strength that THIS time I won't let my mouth get me into trouble.... once again I was defeated.

Each Sunday we go to my parents' house for family dinner. They began this tradition about a year ago and it's really nice. DH and I go early and we play a couple hands of cards and then my sister and her husband come and we catch up. Tonight was no exception but I wanted to go in the hot tub.

DH doesn't really like the hot tub so it was no surprise that he declined but my mother volunteered. I was determined not to get myself into trouble and began our chat about her and what she's been up to. That was pretty good then she started asking me about all the different things I've been involved in this year and it popped out that I took on so much so I could avoid having to deal with my PCOS and infertility. She once again began the barrage of "but shouldn't you just keep trying? Is the doctor SURE you don't ovulate? What if you just relaxed??"

Now I love my mom but it took all of my self control to make it out of our hot tub session with my emotions in tact and a level head. I cried the whole way home and DH says he and I will talk about all things baby next Saturday. It's always NEXT Saturday. He is saying that maybe he does want to just keep trying even though he knows that our RE says I should try the Clomid this spring. He also brought up the potential for losing his job and my district is merging so there's no telling what could happen there. I am just beyond frustrated and upset about all of this. AUGHHHH Why can't my body just be NORMAL of ovulate every 28 days and then I can have a baby like a REGULAR woman. THIS is why I took on so much because I can't deal with the emotions and stress.

*Sorry for the vent*

Show and Tell

This week I am participating in Show and Tell. Click to see what everyone else is sharing!



I am not sure if you can tell what's going on here but our little dog, Penelope, is cleaning our big dog, Bella's, ears. This is sisterly love at its finest. Penelope believes cleanliness is next to Godliness. I used to have a cat, Gus, and when Penelope came to live with us I am sure the ear cleaning is what put him over the edge.

If you stay still long enough and she can reach, your ears are likely to get the Penelope treatment in our house. :-)

Weekend

The weekend has arrived and I am glad. I have been living for the weekends lately...

The plan for this 08-09 school year was that I was going to take things easy, not sign up for too much and enjoy being married. Then I was diagnosed with PCOS and plans changed. I am NOT good when things are wrong and I have lots of free time on my hands. That is time to worry and get anxious. I am really the only person I know who can't handle free time when things are off. My coping skill is to take on other commitments so I do not have to dwell. I signed up for a committees, to facilitate drama club, to work on my National Board Certification and to teach a course at a local college. Now I am stressed out about all things TTC AND everything I haave signed on for. I am so looking forward to May 20th when all my comitments have come to an end and I can start enjoying life and stop living for the weekend.

I really am going to give free time a try- DH and I talked about my taking the summer off to relax and focus on getting my body as ready for a baby as possible, or hopefully to take care of my body and the baby I am growing! Until then.... I am just glad it's the weekend and I can spend time with DH and doing things of my choosing.

Live together or die alone...

I am SO glad that LOST is back on! Right now we are watching the "catch up" episode and boy do I need it! DH got me hooked on LOST about a year ago when we didn't have cable. We could get free episodes on ABC.com. We watched all winter and finished the week of the finale. We convinced my parents to tape it for us and the only episode I've seen on a regular T.V. is last season's finale. I have to say- I love it in HD on our big T.V.!!!

Ok gotta run and get back to it but I was just so happy I had to share! Where IS that island?!

Obama Cookies!

Look what one of my kids made for the class today!! Pretty neat huh? We *tried* to watch the swearing in while we enjoyed these delicious treats. T loves her cookies!!!

(see below for the book club post)

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imgaination

This month I have joined the Barren Bitches Book Club and the selection was An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination By, Elizabeth McCracken. I highly recommend it.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.

Now on to the discussion:
On page 13, McCracken writes, "I want a book that acknowledges that life goes on, but that death goes on, too, that a person who is dead is a long, long story. You move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends may say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you'll feel better. You'll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead." Do you agree with the idea that those that have died continue on? Have you ever found that Time could actually change your perception of death? If you haven't experienced the death of a child (or even if you have), how might this translate into other areas of your life? (ie. infertility, adoption, loss of other family members, etc).

I think that McCracken is right- "life goes on but death goes on too..." That is a powerful thought and sometimes hard for others outside of a loss to understand. I believe absolutely that those who pass continue to live on with us in our hearts and minds. I've found that time can change my perception of loss, but the person and memory are never gone. And this does translate into other areas of life. Loss, although not always the same, hurts and I think there are losses we can get over with time, but there are losses that stay forever and shape who we are, who we become and our views on the world. Life goes on absolutely but death as well.

On page 94 Elizabeth McCracken writes, "I've never gotten over my discomfort at other people's discomfort" also "I don't even know what I would have wanted someone to say", and I am wondering how you have handled that discomfort when something terrible happened to you (suicide, miscarriage, failed cycle, etc.) Is it better for another person to say something cliche that makes you feel awful or is it better for them to ignore the topic all together?

I blogged something not too far from this a few weeks ago. I still don't know the answer. I think it depends on the situation. ON the one hand it is nice to know that someone is thinking about you and caring for you but at the same time, but when what they offer me is cliche,I usually feel like I have to make them feel better. That it's not as bad as it really is on the inside. There was a part of the book where she was talking about her friend who wrote letters and talked about Pudding and wasn't afraid to use share their feelings and I think that'd be comforting. Someone not afraid of your grief but helping you to embrace it and work with it. That seems to me like less work than trying to make people who feel the need to try to comfort you, feel better about your loss.

On pages 79-80, McCracken speaks of losing a friend after Pudding's death. I was struck by the way she wrote this passage because it clearly expresses her feelings about the conflict and about her former friend, replacing the silence that she used to break off the friendship (I suspect the friend in question has read the book by now). Have you lost friends during or after your infertility/loss/adoption? If so, how much of the blame for the loss do you place on communication and/or miscommunication? Does your former friend know how you feel about him or her and the loss of his or her friendship?

I have lost a friend during my infertility struggle. I blame the loss on myself and the silence I allow(ed). My inability to communicate and to share just what I am going through has affected our friendship enormously. Her husband, bless his soul, only wants to talk about when we’re having kids, what our plans for our future are, and I feel inadequate spending time with them. I am sure if I were strong enough to explain what I am going through they’d be supportive and wonderful but because of where I am in my journey and where they are in their journey of life, I do not feel ready to share my struggles at this point. I know my friend has no idea how I feel about her and our friendship and that saddens me. Someday I will be strong enough to explain things- hopefully I will be able to explain things to her.

On the other side I have also created friendships from this struggle in my life. One of the girls at work noticed I was out for appointments and she came down to talk with me. She asked if it had to do with getting pregnant and when I burst into tears she knew. She shared with me her struggles with PCOS and has been wonderful support. She is by far not the only one either. It’s amazing how many women deal with infertility, loss, and adoption. It’s nice to know that I have gained support and friendships as a result.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.

I'm Baaaaack

:-) And glad to be here. I really haven't gone anywhere for the past week, I've just taken the week to retreat inside myself. My stress level has been off the charts and the last thing I could handle was being chipper on my blog. If you don't have anything nice to say.... take a break from blogging.

I did post a couple of times about some of the stress but have recovered *mostly* and am back to my old self. I think with 2009 arriving a lot of things I had been hanging my hopes on had suddenly arrived. This month I was supposed to begin teaching nights at a college, my national board work has been kicked in to over drive, I was supposed to begin relaxation (HA!) and acupuncture for my fertility treatments and the kids at school were supposed to be ready to learn (they are ALWAYS ready in January). But so much of that has been put on the back burner for now.

DH (C) and I had a really serious talk this week and it finally has hit home for me. I need to stop committing myself so much. Next year I will not be beginning another graduate degree, I will not be taking on additional certifications or trainings. Next school year I will go to school and come home after my meetings. I will pick 1 or 2 committees I enjoy and feel are making a difference on the school and on children learning. If I am not pregnant in January of 2010 I will facilitate the drama club but as a rule I will leave school daily at 4:00pm.

These changes are for my mental, physical, and relationship health and I am totally on board this time. If I feel myself slipping and wandering towards taking on new initiatives as a way to combat my anxiety about trying to conceive I will talk with my husband and we can work on it together. We are a team and I know he won't let me struggle with the feelings of inadequacy alone.

Budget Cuts

I understand times are tough. There is NO doubt about that in my mind. Everyone is cutting corners and my state is no exception. Already school budgets have been cut significantly with some districts being cut as much as 2million dollars for THIS year. The state is not happy though and announced yesterday that they are also cutting stipends for nationally board certified teachers. I am going through this process this year.

The National Board process takes 1-3 years to complete and I am in my first year of working on my certification. It is time consuming, demanding but rewarding at the same time. I am becoming more reflective about my practice, thinking about the big picture more and really reflecting on my students' learning. No doubt I am becoming a better teacher. That is most of the reason I decided to embark on this voluntary (and extremely $2500 expensive experience). I am not above saying that I also did it for the $3000 incentive from my state. As teachers we are unable to change our salary unless we further our education. I have already obtained my master's degree and I was looking to forward my salary further as we embark on the baby making journey and to pad our bank account as we head for tough economic times.

I am just frustrated by the way that teachers are often undervalued as professionals. In an office environment if an employee went above and beyond typically they'd be rewarded. Pushing yourself, obtaining extra certifications is encouraged and celebrated. In teaching, you become more expensive and the focus on having the best, most well educated teachers for the students is lost. It seems like we work for our students and it's not valued in today's society.

OK Vent over- this is just really crappy timing what with my stress level over this certification and all. I know I will finish it and continue to do my job but occasionally I become frustrated with the state of things and priorities of government today.
Vent over for real now! :-)

Mental Break

This weekend I attempted to take a mental break. I allowed myself to get lost in the Twilight Series of novels. I took a break from all things baby making, school, national board and stress related. Although I knew the entire time that I couldn't afford the time, I also knew my body and mind could no longer take the stress of everything else in my life.

I had planned to continue my mental vacation this week while I was home in the evenings, but DH has forced me to come back to reality. I am sitting here on the couch trying to pretend to be interested in a movie while I catch up on all the e-mail I've neglected. Hoping to feel in control again and be back to my old self soon...

Kids

No one told me when I became a teacher that the kids would be just a small part of it. Between the meetings, committees, paperwork and other professional responsibilities sometimes it is hard to remember why I became a teacher in the first place, until this week...

On Tuesday I overheard two of my kiddos talking, one of them has real trouble making friends, the other one is friendly but doesn't go out of her social circle much... I heard the more popular girl saying "I won't let them call you chubby anymore. I will be your friend and I think you're pretty." I just about melted. Later on that same girl came up to me and said "I did just what the good morning song says- I made a new friend today."

Then I was heading home at the end of the day and one of my students from last year was waiting in the office with his little brother for his parents to finish a meeting. He told me to ask little brother J who he wanted for a teacher next year. I obliged and J promptly replied "Mrs. G" and with feigned shock on my face I said "that's MY name" he grinned and I said "Do you know who I want in my class next year? I want J in my class" and he looked shocked and said "that's MY name!"

Kids are why I stay in the job and days help me get up in the mornings despite all the politics, meetings, budget cuts, and demands on teacher's time.

Secret Plowing Elf

You may remember an earlier post about a plowing elf who rescued us when our snowbanks were even with my waist. We talked to everyone we know with a plow and never got to the bottom of the mystery.... until tonight.

We got about 4 inches of snow here today. *SNOW DAY* I went out and shoveled at about 11:00 this morning and got most of the driveway done before it started freezing raining. I figured I'd go back and finish up after the storm. At about 5:30 while I was cooking dinner I hear a snowplow arrive. The plowing elf was back! I sent DH out to investigate and it turns out it is one of the drivers who works for my husband!!!! He plowed the deep stuff at the end of the driveway so it wouldn't freeze tonight. We are so glad the mystery is solved and we are having him over for dinner and writing a thank you note. He is our hero!

Terrific Tuesdays

Today is terrific because I didn't get a traffic ticket. I've been pulled over 8 times in 12 years and not a single ticket. Today the officer stopped me because I was going a *wee* bit over the limit but also that my registration looked like it had expired. Luckily for me I had my renewed registration (from 3 days ago) in the car. This time he didn't even tell me what the fines would be or anything- just let me go. PHEW!! DH was in the car with me too, he was making fun of me the whole time- no help from him! But today was terrific because I didn't get a ticket.

Date with Dad

Today I had a date with my daddy. When I was a kid I always knew I could ask for a book and the answer would be yes. I might not always get the newest toy I wanted but I knew that dad would never say no to a book. He promised to continue this tradition even though my sister and I are grown now.
He and I have been trying to get together for months for our book store trip and we finally went today. As usual, daddy said I could pick out any book I wanted (I picked Breaking Dawn #4 in the Twilight series) While we were there I heard a little girl asking her dad for a new book and him saying "of course" just like my dad used to when we were kids. It was so nice to spend time with just dad, we don't always have time to catch up and spend time together like we did when we were kids. I hope that once we have children that my father will continue this tradition with them, in addition to my DH (he has been practicing with his nephews!).

Happy Reading!

Tonight's the night the world begins again...

New Year's Eve.... I always find this night fraught with emotion. (and did I mention that I become more verbose after a few drinks?!) [Written at 12:25 am 1/1/09)

[Finished on 1/1/09 after a cup of coffee and some sleep] We celebrated at DH's cousin's house. His cousin is terrific. She has a wonderful husband and amazing daughters who came by way of adoption after many infertility struggles of her own. Now I know she knows about our challenges thus far with having a baby because DH told me that he mentioned it and she has extended support.

We had such a terrific time, it was nice being surrounded by warm people, some we knew and some who were new to us but everyone was kind and warm just the same. I had a little worry on the way over that DHs older relatives in particular would ask us about baby stuff. I hadn't drank enough to deal with it but we were pleasantly surprised. Everyone was just happy to have us there and to hear what we've been up to, not prodding about what comes next. It was a plesant way to ring in the new year. So far 2009 is off to a great start and we are looking forward to a successful year!

Better Days

Wishing you all better days for 2009!
Will blog about tonight tomorrow sometime...