Looking to 2009....

As I sat down to write my new year's resolutions today I read some of my favorite blogs while I thought. Coming2Terms had an infertile's guide to new years resolutions. I enjoyed hers and am thinking about them but I have some for me...
I resolve to:

• Continue setting limits at work and not feeling guilty for saying no.
• Take better care of myself and DH physically, mentally and emotionally.
• Have fun whenever possible and not let my worries get in the way.
• Laugh as much as possible and to try to bring joy into people's lives.
• Be thankful for what I have, not sad for what I don't have yet.
• Tell the people who mean a lot to me, just how much they mean.
  

I think that's a pretty good list of resolutions... some will be easy; telling those I love how much they mean to me. Some will be challenging; setting limits at work and being happy for what I have, not sad about the family I want. It should be an interesting year... lots of possibilities!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Terrific Tuesdays

Geez- the holiday season sure has me off track, it just dawned on me that today is a terrific Tuesday!

Today is terrific because...

• It is DH's birthday! Happy Birthday!
• I surprised DH with his birthday present.
• We had sushi for lunch.
• I am on vacation.
• We are ringing in the new year with friends and family.
• I am going to open and play my new Little Big Planet (TOTALLY fun for those of you who don't know!)
• I just made banana bread and baking makes me happy!

Why is today terrific for YOU?

Happy Birthday DH

Today is DH's birthday! It's tough for him having a birthday so close to Christmas so I try to make an extra big deal about it. He's at work right now and I am waiting to head over there to kidnap him for a Sushi lunch! The best part about his birthday so far is that I TOTALLY surprised him with his gift.

Usually he knows what he's getting because he likes big ticket items so typically he gets really big stuff for Christmas/Birthday but this year he got his iPhone for Christmas and I am sure that he was expecting me to wrap up the box again for his birthday but nope!!! This morning he found his present after playing "hot and cold" (much to his reluctance) and he was so thrilled. He got a coffee maker, one of those Keurig ones and he is totally psyched. Unfortunately he was on call this morning and got called into work before he could use it. Seeing that look of complete surprise on his face was totally worth it. Now if only I could surprise him with a pregnancy annoucement too. Maybe for our anniversary in July...

Almost the end...

I always get reflective this time of the year, looking back on what was and beginning to look ahead to what will be.
2008 brought us
The purchase of our first home... and LOTS of home repairs!
We got our second dog, Bella who turned 1 year old this week.
We lost our cat Gus. He got out and never returned. He was so amazing and affectionate that we are SURE someone took him in but it still breaks our hearts.
A loss of hope in getting pregnant on our own, but a sense of togetherness in conquering this hurdle together.
The completion of my master's degree.
An opportunity to reconnect with friends and family we had fallen out of touch with.
All things considered 2008 was a good year.

Tomorrow I will look ahead to 2009 and the hopes and dreams we are placing there...

Penelope

DH got up this morning and found that our little dog had been sick in her kennel all night. I took her outside while he cleaned up. We talked about how we shouldn't have let her partake in the festivities last night; bad parents. He came back downstairs and shared that it was truly odd but everything he cleaned up smelled like mints. Well we racked our brains and there was nothing minty ANYONE ate yesterday. It turns out when DH and I spent some time alone, she got into the bag of premium mint m&ms my sister gave us...
Thankfully she has full energy right now, in fact she's whining at me because I am making her stay on the tile in case she gets sick again. She is however taking a trip to the vet in an hour when they open!
In other puppy news, Bella turns 1 today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BELLA! (I laughed when I wrote "little" because although B is a year younger than P, she out weighs her 55 pounds to 4 pounds!)

Blessed

Today I remember just how blessed I am. I have an amazing husband who loves me with all of his heart, supportive parents and in laws who treat me as their own. A sister and brother in law who are just the best friends you can think of. Two sister in laws and their spouses who always remember to let us know they care and two nephews who always make me smile and who remind me that sometimes things ARE just as they seem. I am so blessed today... I hope you are as well. Merry Christmas!

Wonderful Wednesday

I forgot all about Terrific Tuesdays this week with all the ICLW excitement so I am going to have to catch up...
Tuesday was wonderful because:
The school kids were so excited about Christmas
I have 12 entire days off
Someone plowed my driveway on Monday
Everyone is coming to MY house for Christmas breakfast
I got my first Christmas CD EVER thanks to a coworker who recognized this deficiency in my music collection (and yes, I celebrate Christmas, I am Catholic but NEVER had a Christmas CD)
We have a door on our coat closet

There is lots to be thankful for this week!

Holiday Crazies!

I am on VACATION!!! 12 GLORIOUS days of no teaching! This will give me enough time to miss the kiddos and remind me that I love kindergarten. This last week has been tough- the kids were STRESSED... some of my most mature 5 and 6 year olds were reduced to tears when things didn't go exactly as planned. The week was stressful here too but DH and I tried to get holiday shopping done ahead of time and we treated ourselves to dinner out twice because neither of us could deal with cooking. Now I am on vacation and ready to relax....

Oh on another note we got about 2 feet of snow here in Maine on Sunday night and Monday morning (school was NOT canceled) and the bank at the end of our driveway was up to my waist thanks to the town plow guy (Even though we'd shoveled at 9:30 that night). We managed to shovel enough to get the cars out but I knew I'd have to plow when I got home. There was some sort of Christmas Elf though who came and PLOWED my WHOLE driveway! I am grateful to the Christmas Elf who rescued me from shoveling. :-)

ICLW

Been behind on ICLW this week, have been working on my comments but it's been so busy with the holidays. One thing I noticed that others have been doing is a little introduction...

My name is *T* and I teach kindergarten. DH and I have been ttc since March of 2008. We decided we'd just "see what happens" and it was amazing that the next month I didn't get my period. Did lots of hpts but all negative. I finally went into the doctor and she called me back to tell me, not only did my blood work show that I was NOT pregnant but rather that I had PCOS which she told me is the leading cause of infertility in women my age. I was devastated. We went to see an RE who says he can help us get a baby but it may be a much longer road than we anticipated. We are aggressively beginning fertility treatments in 2009....

My blog is an attempt to figure out who I am, who we are, and to document this journey to have the baby we've always wanted!

Moms...

I had recovered from the Target incident but have still been emotionally shaky this weekend. Went out to lunch with my mom this weekend and a pregnant lady gets sat next to us. My mom, I KNOW she was trying to be supportive, patted me on the arm and assured me "that will be you next Christmas honey." All I could do was nod.

It's like the closer that treatment gets the less emotionally stable I feel. I have had the luxury of living with the hope of these treatments working.... but what if they don't? I don't think I am ready for my hope to go away and to deal with disappointment and the obsession of testing every 28 days. I am just getting nervous that Clomid which we've been pinning all our baby hopes on, may not be the panacea that we are thinking it is...

Tears in Target

Thursday night I told DH we HAD to finish our Christmas shopping or I was going to have a fit. Off we went to pick up the last few things for our families. We weren't even near the baby stuff when it began, we were near the tissues actually which turned out to be fortuitous. All of a sudden I was reminded of a conversation my mother and I had a couple years previous around Christmas time. I don't even remember who told it now but...

One of us knew someone who was pregnant. The woman announced it at Christmas to her parents by giving them t-shirts that said #1 Grammy and #1 Grampy. I know my mom hopes someday that I announce my pregnancy in a similar way.

Standing there in Target though I was just overcome with such sadness that once again she won't have the promise of a grand-baby under the tree....

Terrific Tuesdays

Today was terrific for many reasons:

• I got enough sleep last night
• My excitement level matched that of my students
• I shoveled my ENTIRE driveway- See pictures!
• I finished my shopping for the kids in my life (kindergarten, nephews, friends etc.)
• I got to do some reading for fun!
  

I LOVE terrific Tuesdays!

Yeah- I shoveled ALL that! WOO HOO!!!

Show and Tell Ice Storm 2008

This week for Show and Tell I am bringing pictures of the ice storm we've been having up here in Maine. I haven't had an opportunity to post for a few days due to the fact that we had no power for 48 hours. We had to stay with my parents because our house has no heat with no power- stinking electric pilot on our monitor heater! We were lucky though- no damage to the house, the pipes didn't freeze, and the trees that fell missed our house!

Terrific Tuesday

My Christmas tree is up and that is why today is terrific!

Seriously?!

The cold I've been battling has finally been getting better. I can breathe through my nose about 70% of the time and I have my energy back. This morning however I woke up but my eyes wouldn't open. I tried not to panic and reached my hand up only to find they had crusted shut over night. I have no luck....

I went into work (I teach kindergarten) because I am not going to be defeated by conjunctivitis so easily but my nurse confirmed it and sent me to the doctor who WOULDN"T GIVE ME ANY ANTIBIOTICS. She said to check my school policy and to wait for it to clear up. I am super annoyed because my body finally feels great and it's my stinking eyes that are going to keep me home- not to mention that DH won't come near me unless he sees I've used hand sanitizer. BLAH Oh well, if I have to stay home I have plenty of NBPTS stuff to catch up on!

Show and Tell

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Click here to see other show and tell participants!

Super Saturday

Today we had a really nice day. I woke up, caught up on Survivor- GO BOB (I am proud he's from Maine and teaches in my home town!), read some of Twilight and then got ready for the day. We spent the better part of the day with DH's sister and her family including our two nephews who I just adore. After that we went and got DH's Christmas gift- an iPhone. He is so happy he is cleaning the house right now while I Blog. I don't think days get any better than this! :-) It's nice to feel relaxed and happy for a minute.

Nightmares

I have not been sleeping well. It's not for lack of trying either on mine or DH's parts- he even swapped sides of the bed with me to see if that cured it but nothing has. Last night was one of the most frightening to date...

I dreamed I finally had the babies I've always wanted. Triplets in fact- one girl and identical twin boys. No one would let me at them though. They whisked them away and I felt so helpless. I was allowed to see the boys eventually but my sweet baby girl was kept from me still. I finally found her and she was sick. Hooked up to machines, they told me she wouldn't live. Every time I tried to touch her either I couldn't reach or it would harm her more. I woke up literally heart broken.

These are the types of dreams I am having on a nightly basis even with the aid of sleeping pills and I just can't do it anymore. I am at the point where I don't want to go to bed because I am afraid of what will happen. Not all of my dreams are tragic about my unborn children but they are all stressful and upsetting. I once went through an entire day not speaking to DH because I dreamed he had cheated on me and the hurt and betrayal was so raw I couldn't speak to him.

I am not sure what I can do but I know that if I don't get some quality sleep soon I am going to lose it.

I forgot Terrific Tuesdays

So pretend I posted this on 12/2!!

Today is terrific because:
It is my oldest(not oldest like she's the oldest person I know, but the person I have been friends with since the day she was born- 2 months after me exactly!) friend's birthday as well as her daughter's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS!
I am going to bed at 8:00 SHARP.
I am now 338 months old (I LOVE my birthday- however I may just stay this age forever it is dawning on me that life is going by rather quickly)

I LOVE terrific Tuesdays!

Platitudes

Can I just tell you how sick I am of platitudes?! Meaningless comments that EVERYONE says and they all think it is the solution to your problem. Ohhhhhh no one has EVER told me to "be patient- my baby will come." When you say it, I feel so much better and can go on with my day.

I know people mean well but I am so tired of being told that everything is ok. Basically, no one knows what's going to happen. The doctors have told me it will be incredibly difficult or impossible to ovulate or conceive on my own and that doesn't seem like a "just be patient" situation to me. I know some of them do not understand that, but some of my closest friends and family members still say things like that. I know they mean well but really, it just makes me feel like they have no idea how to talk to me or listen to me about PCOS and fertility challenges.

If one more person says to me, "your day will come", my head may explode!! :-)

Coming Out

I think I am nearly ready to come out of the fertility challenged closet.

This is a big step for me since I am a rather private person but I am at the point in my journey of self-discovery and fertility issues where I feel I need support and unfortunately those closest to me may not always be the best ones to offer support. I have been blogging but have not shared my address with anyone for fear that someone I know may find it and judge me.... but now I am over that. I have to be or I am going to crumble from keeping it all inside.

I have begun to participate in a weekly show and tell thread on one of the blogs I frequent and that has gained me some readers- surprisingly I was tickled to find people reading and not embarrassed or anxious like I had predicted. In December I am even hoping to participate in IComLeavWe so I can learn about new blogs to read and make new connections. I am scared out of my mind but am also looking forward to lending support to others in similar situations. I know it's a process but I am proud to say, I am finally out of the blogging/fertility challenged closet!