Terrific Tuesdays

I have been feeling really down lately and I did not want to post another whiny pity party post so I decided just now that I am going to begin Terrific Tuesdays! This will force me to look for the good in everything a minimum of one day a week. FYI- I usually look on the bright side of things but lately it has been tough.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Today was terrific because...

• I learned now to use Garage Band to record myself reading my NB standards so I can play them in my car.
• Two of my kids who I have been worried are not connecting to me both drew me pictures and took the effort to write my name. (HUGE in kindergarten!)
• I stayed UNDER my carb target for the day!
• I finally worked out a schedule for the next 7 months which reduced my stress level significantly.
• DH is just unbelievably understanding and supportive even though I have been in a funk.
  
• It is the LAST Tuesday in October!
  

Tears

I had been doing SO well with the whole IF thing but today it's just been really rough. No particular reason but I just have this pervading sense of loss or not being whole. On the car ride home tonight I fought back tears the entire way... I would like to blame it on hormonal imbalance but I started my new BCP yesterday and should be fine...

Maybe it is Halloween approaching, or me trying to over commit myself so I do not have to deal with what I am not doing... I dunno but today I am just full of tears. Like one of my kindergartners says "I just have to get all the water out."

For me...

Today I did something for me. Not for C, not for our unborn child(ren), just for me. Today I began the process to become a nationally board certified teacher. Actually I have been working on it independently since August but today I began working with other teachers going through the process, a support group of sorts.

It feels so good to be a part of a professional group again. I have greatly missed being a part of a professional group since I moved to Southern Maine. It feels great to be listened to and taken seriously as a professional again. This is something for me, to learn more about who I am as an educator and what motivates the decisions I make each day in my classroom.

*on a side note they provided lunch and in my lunch sack was a TASTY peanut butter cookie. YUM! T loves her cookies :-)

Diagnosis

It began back in March when I ran out of birth control pills and we decided not to fill the prescription for a few months to just "see what happens". Well what happened is I didn't get my period- so being the optimist that I am I thought we might be pregnant. Went to the doctor in May and mentioned this and so she gave me some blood tests. About two weeks later the doctor (not the nurse) called with the results...

I answered my phone because it was recess time and was really looking forward to getting news of a pregnancy. What she proceeded to tell me was quite the opposite. In fact what she gave me for a diagnosis, PCOS, is the leading cause for infertility in women my age. She told me she wasn't 100% sure but she would send me to a specialist who would give me more information. Later that day her nurse called and asked "how are you doing hon" at which point I broke down into hysterical tears only to be further upset by the fact that the specialist couldn't see me until SEPTEMBER 25th.

Now for those of you who know me- you know that having a baby has always been my dream. As a child I wanted to have more children than my great grandmother (she had 18). and now the nurses and doctors were telling me I couldn't even have one?

Well as luck would have it I called the RE myself and he got me in for July 21. He confirmed my doctor's Dx but gave us hope. Told us he had lots of success with different medications and that in a year we could hope to be pregnant. C and I left the office that day with hope. I joined a coupld of online chat goups to learn all I could about all of this new information and one thing I noticed was that not a lot of these women had the support of their insurance companies behind them.

I called mine- Anthem- and learned that not only do they not pay for any infertility but they also will not pay for diagnosis of such issues. (they do have full coverage for abortions though but that's a rant for another day). I now feel as though we are back at square one hoping for a baby we may never get and I just feel so inadequate about my body and everything. It has been a very difficult summer and to be honest, the only think I am looking forward to is getting back into the classroom...

Procrastination Queen

I am supposed to be studying right now for my National Board Certificate. I have a support group meeting this weekend and I do not want to be the person who has done the last ammount of work. Sadly at the end of a long day at school and after a tasty dinner prepared by my DH studying my standards is the last thing I want to be doing. I am thinking bottle of wine and warm bath with my American Wife book... but no.

I told DH that after dinner tonight I HAD to study. He is now playing his video game while I *work*. Since I started *studying* I have vacuumed the stairs, organized the dogs' bedroom, read the Trouble Trying To Conceive (TTTC) chat board on TheBump.com and have started blogging... I haven't been this good at procrastinating since college. Ahhhhh the good old days...

But seriously- I NEED to get back to work.... maybe I will just read a couple of blogs tonight. :-)

I got the job

The title says it all!!!

Today I interviewed for an adjunct faculty position at a local college and at the end of the interview they offered me a position. I will be teaching one class beginning in January!! I am really psyched and nervous at the same time to begin this new journey. The department chair was super nice and everyone I met there was terrific. I even got a badge!!!

YEAH!

Hope you had a good day. Fortune cookies my @$$!

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

Tonight DH brought home Chinese food for dinner. He knows I've been going through a lot lately and wanted to make things easier on me. We enjoyed our dinner but my favorite part is the free dessert- Fortune Cookies! I just get such a kick out of them.... well tonight I was kicked when I read mine:

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

Excuse me but WTF. What is that supposed to mean? The pain I am going through with the PCOS and the inability to create a child when I see women doing it effortlessly and by mistake every day of my life- THAT is supposed to open my understanding?! Let me tell you- the pain has for sure broken my shell but I am further away from understanding God's plan for me now than ever before. I really try not to judge other people's choices but REALLY?! How can some of these women have not only one child but many children- unable to take care of themselves let alone other humanbeings, not having enough time for their children, telling them they are useless and leaving it up to me as their teacher to take care of them and make them feel loved. It's just too much.

As I sat here being upset over this Chinese "wisdom" my pomeranian took the fortune and hid it under the bed. Hmmmm maybe the second fortune I got just came true: "An important person will offer you support." Maybe the Chinese aren't so far off afterall?

American Wife

This book American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld has consumed me today. I walked by it in Borders, and being the frugal gal I am, requested it at my local library. I've been waiting over a month for it to come in and it has not disappointed me. The only reason I have a moment to blog about it now is because I was interrupted by my sister's 25th birthday party and I've only just returned....

There was one line that struck me though.... "I'd traded friendship for romance, companionship for a husband..." Talking about choosing her to be husband over her best friend. The reason that got to me was because this happened to bme 2 years ago. Almost 2 years ago exactly infact. To be honest I never really took time to reflect upon what happened with my friend, but I knew with certainty that my DH was the person I was to be with for the rest of my life and if H couldn't be supportive, then I no longer wanted her in my life.... Reading today though made me reflect on the whole situation- now where I am in my life could we become friends again? Was there another way to have my DH and friend too? Hmmmmmm....

INTERVIEW!!

As you may know, I am a teacher. I currently teach kindergarten. Lately though I've been thinking about getting into the world of college teaching. My husband, ever helpful, found an education faculty position open. I applied yesterday and today they wanted to schedule an interview with me!!!! CAN YOU STAND IT?!

The interview is Tuesday, October 21 and I am just beside myself with excitement. I know it's just a start, and an adjunct position, but still- this would be a place to start and get my feet wet to know if this is something I truly want to pursue. :-) I am just over the moon with excitement!

Weekend

We FINALLY had a relaxing weekend at home. That was something that DH and I have needed for AWHILE now and even though he was on call- we achieved it.

On Friday night we ordered our favorite pizza and watched a movie. Saturday we ran errands and had a bonfire at our house with friends and family and then Sunday brought more relaxing at home just enjoying each other's company. Today I had the day off but DH had to work so I caught up on America's Next Top Model and Jon and Kate Plus Eight! Plus I got the house in order so my week feels more organized tomorrow. I have to say- today I am feeling the most relaxed and at peace I have in months. Amazing what a weekend free from obligations can do to you!

Meltdown

So I had a small meltdown today at work.

This year I am in survival mode- I have too many students, not enough hours in the day, and I am unable to meet each of their needs in any given school day. I am overwhelmed which is a feeling I have not had in years. I finally cracked today and just burst into tears because I feel like I am not able to give my students all that I want to.

I hate crying at work. It makes me feel even worse- not only do I feel like I cannot do my job but there I am blubbering about it- all in all a pretty terrible day. And not only that but there is simply no solution. The district in which I work is being funded at the bare minimum this year by both the town and our state. There is simply no room for extra support and so not only am I overwhelmed and have broken down, but there is no solution in sight.

DH thinks I have taken on too much again but this year I have been really good. I have only signed up for one committee and I am not even bringing that home with me. Setting boundaries was my goal this year and I am doing fine with that in regards to extra professional duties, but am having trouble setting boundaries on what I expect from myself...

Halloween

The fall season is in full swing and the kids at school are getting excited about Halloween. Most of my class has decided what they want to be already!

Struggling with fertility, I am finding autumn the toughest season. Pregnant ladies out picking apples, new babies at the fair, families on hay rides, it just feels so hopeless to me. I am trying to stay positive and DH is being supportive assuring me that someday that will be us with our baby all snuggled up at the fair... it just seems impossible at this moment so I am going to focus on my puppy babies...

This is Penelope's Halloween costume from last year... she was a lobster. We are looking for costume suggestions for Ms. Penny P for this Halloween and for Bella- our big Shar Pei too. The dogs like to go trick or treating with our nephews and they like to get into the spirit too- any ideas???

Cards

So DH and I have taken to playing cards with my parents. At first it was just cribbage and that was a fun thing to do after Sunday night dinners. Then a few weeks ago my parents wanted to teach us a different game (which I have no idea how to spell so I will use my phonics knowledge) Shalamine.

This is a game that I always watched my parents play with my memere and pepere but I've never played. I was excited to learn this game that the grown ups always played and it was pretty fun the first few hands. Then the reminiscing started in about my pepere who passed away 10 years ago (WOW I can't believe it's been that long) and it was actually quite hard. My parents were telling stories about him and it was making me sad to think that I didn't get to know him in the ways they were talking about....

It's nice that DH and I are starting a new tradition with my parents but it just saddens me that someday it might be us reminiscing about how pepere (my dad) used to play, and couldn't stand to loose, and would try to cheat....