Posts
Welcome back for another exciting month. I have been participating in ICLW for three months and each month I find lots of new blogs I enjoy reading. I hope you enjoy what you see here. Just some background on me and I hope you'll be back later in the week when I have more interesting things to write about. :-)
DH and I got married July 2007. We wanted to wait a year before TTC but we decided when BCPs ran out at the end of March 2008 that we'd just see what happened. Well what happened was not what we thought....
I didn't get a period at all. I couldn't believe our luck. I was convinced we were pregnant right away. That's what all my parents friends told me for stories. It didn't help that I also gained some weight around that time too. I took many HPTs but wasn't daunted by the negatives- they show false negatives all the time I told myself. Well I went back to the doctor early May to find out what was going on. She took a blood test to check and see if I was pregnant and some other vials to check my hormone levels. About 4 days later the doctor called me herself!!! I took a deep breath ready for her to congratulate me...
There I was standing in my classroom (I teach kindergarten) watching my students out at recess. I was smiling out at them as she told me that not only was I not pregnant, she suspected I had something called PCOS which she told me is the leading cause of infertility among women my age. I sat down and just cried. I remember writing down the acronym and the number for the RE she was going to set me up with. I wasn't even able to call DH right away. My students came in and I got it back together but it was the hardest day of my adult life so far. All I wanted was for the kids to go away so I could do research and then there was the call to DH to make.
I made it through the day and DH was great once I talked with him. We finally got into the RE who is going to help us but it hasn't been easy... and it isn't feeling like it's getting much easier now. I am learning about my body and what PCOS means for me. DH and I took some time off from TTC and went back on BCPs at the advice of our RE but we have abandoned them for now and are trying to learn about my cycles and to find out if I can even ovulate naturally. We are headed back to the RE in April or May to start clomid rounds. Until then, DH and I are doing all we can!
Thanks for reading today. Now you know where I am coming from and where we are hoping to go. I hope you'll come back and visit again! :-)
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Friday, February 20, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
*THE Talk*
We've been having chats about fertility since I was diagnosed with PCOS but had really put TTC on the back burner as we processed this new information/speed bump. We have been to our doctors, an RE, and classes at the local hospital. We haven't actually had an official "what we're going to do" talk. We had agreed to go on BCP until April when we would begin treatments with the RE but the RE made that recommendation and now DH and I have more information and it was time for us to reevaluate what is right for us. Hence THE Talk.
THE Talk was scheduled for Saturday but in true *T* fashion I simply couldn't wait. I offered to take DH out to a restaurant with adult beverages (aka liquid courage) Friday after work to discuss this weighty topic. I knew being at home would be too emotional and the distraction of being in public would help me stay calm.
2 margaritas into the night I asked him to tell me his thoughts. He took my hands and with all seriousness said "we will do whatever it takes to get a little baby, anything that you are comfortable with, but I need to know when we are going to put this behind us and begin living our life again." He let me come up with the deadline (4 years- now until September 2013) and I understand and was almost relieved to have a deadline in mind too. He's right- we need to say at some point that God didn't mean for us to bring children into this world even with the medical technology he's provided. If in 4 years we still don't have a child then it will be time to move on and begin accepting that our family is going to be us and all the dogs we can possibly love. And that will have to be ok. He did say that if by chance it just happens after 4 years we will be THRILLED, just in 4 years it will need to not be the focus of our life.
My part of the talk was more trying to hammer out things about logistics and trying to settle our religious beliefs with our desire for a child and what is too much for me. I think we have a plan in mind now but the saddest part of the chat was when we realized maybe we'd have to Google "how to get pregnant." because clearly neither of us knows how! lol we had a good laugh over that and I DID Google it the next day and today I am glad to say we are officially back on the babymaking train again. Happy February 1st!
THE Talk was scheduled for Saturday but in true *T* fashion I simply couldn't wait. I offered to take DH out to a restaurant with adult beverages (aka liquid courage) Friday after work to discuss this weighty topic. I knew being at home would be too emotional and the distraction of being in public would help me stay calm.
2 margaritas into the night I asked him to tell me his thoughts. He took my hands and with all seriousness said "we will do whatever it takes to get a little baby, anything that you are comfortable with, but I need to know when we are going to put this behind us and begin living our life again." He let me come up with the deadline (4 years- now until September 2013) and I understand and was almost relieved to have a deadline in mind too. He's right- we need to say at some point that God didn't mean for us to bring children into this world even with the medical technology he's provided. If in 4 years we still don't have a child then it will be time to move on and begin accepting that our family is going to be us and all the dogs we can possibly love. And that will have to be ok. He did say that if by chance it just happens after 4 years we will be THRILLED, just in 4 years it will need to not be the focus of our life.
My part of the talk was more trying to hammer out things about logistics and trying to settle our religious beliefs with our desire for a child and what is too much for me. I think we have a plan in mind now but the saddest part of the chat was when we realized maybe we'd have to Google "how to get pregnant." because clearly neither of us knows how! lol we had a good laugh over that and I DID Google it the next day and today I am glad to say we are officially back on the babymaking train again. Happy February 1st!
Last Night's Posting...
I've gotten some interesting responses to my post last night and I'd like to respond.
First of all I am not going to apologize for my feelings about the news story about the Octuplets. I can feel mad, sad, jealous, outraged- my feelings are my own and they are what they are based on where I am in my life right now and the experiences I have had just as your opinions are your own as well. That being said...
I think of fertility treatments as science and it is something I view extremely seriously. I see fertility treatments as a lifesaver for couples (or a woman on her own who has thought through her options) battling with a heart wrenching journey to have children. In my opinion they are for people who want children and for whatever reasons are unable to have them the old fashioned, fun way without medical/scientific support. So (here it is) I do not believe that fertility treatments are best used for convenience.
"Geez I would really like to have a baby in May because that's just a great time to be pregnant" or "I'd like to have a large family and wouldn't it be easier to do in one fell swoop?" I do not believe that is the purpose for fertility treatments. I know that people may disagree with me but that is what I believe. I think that people who have NOT been told that they are broken and can't create life on their own even though that is all they've ever lived for, believe fertility treatments are for. In our instant gratification world some people are even trying to make having children and families a convienience and I am not sure that's God's plan for us. I know it is not His plan for me. Maybe I am wrong, but then I will answer for that with Him on Judgement Day.
Each woman and family needs to make their own decision but I couldn't let it stand that my opinion of yesterday was being challenged. I respect the woman who had the Octuplets decisions, and hope she made the right choice for her, her family, and the welfare of those babies but I don't have to agree with it or be happy with it and I am entitled to say that I am sad and jealous and shocked.
*This has NOTHING to do with selective reduction by the way-that's another post for another day but just FYI it's not something I'd ever be able to do but that's just me*
First of all I am not going to apologize for my feelings about the news story about the Octuplets. I can feel mad, sad, jealous, outraged- my feelings are my own and they are what they are based on where I am in my life right now and the experiences I have had just as your opinions are your own as well. That being said...
I think of fertility treatments as science and it is something I view extremely seriously. I see fertility treatments as a lifesaver for couples (or a woman on her own who has thought through her options) battling with a heart wrenching journey to have children. In my opinion they are for people who want children and for whatever reasons are unable to have them the old fashioned, fun way without medical/scientific support. So (here it is) I do not believe that fertility treatments are best used for convenience.
"Geez I would really like to have a baby in May because that's just a great time to be pregnant" or "I'd like to have a large family and wouldn't it be easier to do in one fell swoop?" I do not believe that is the purpose for fertility treatments. I know that people may disagree with me but that is what I believe. I think that people who have NOT been told that they are broken and can't create life on their own even though that is all they've ever lived for, believe fertility treatments are for. In our instant gratification world some people are even trying to make having children and families a convienience and I am not sure that's God's plan for us. I know it is not His plan for me. Maybe I am wrong, but then I will answer for that with Him on Judgement Day.
Each woman and family needs to make their own decision but I couldn't let it stand that my opinion of yesterday was being challenged. I respect the woman who had the Octuplets decisions, and hope she made the right choice for her, her family, and the welfare of those babies but I don't have to agree with it or be happy with it and I am entitled to say that I am sad and jealous and shocked.
*This has NOTHING to do with selective reduction by the way-that's another post for another day but just FYI it's not something I'd ever be able to do but that's just me*
Friday, January 30, 2009
Parental Controls (Internet Restrictions) for the Infertile
DH believes I should have restrictions on what I can view (read obsess) about on the internet. I tend to read, read, read on a subject (usually PCOS or fertility related). Sometimes I become educated, sometimes I become sad, sometimes I become indignant...
This week my internet reading has been about the lady who had octuplets. My first thought was, WOW that is amazing- WAY more kids than I can handle, but good for her and her husband to have a family after what was probably a long journey on the road of IF. Then the story broke that she already had 6 children of her own. I've been a little upset (read obsessed) with their story since then. Now I have no idea what the truth is but it seems to be the consensus in all the stories that the family does already have 6 children of their own. Now I am not usually one to judge and NEVER one to speak out about it but COME ON. I dunno I feel badly even writing this but I've had some liquid courage tonight (DH and I had our baby planning talk a day early- more to come on that tomorrow) and I am just mad that I can't even have one and some people have 14!!!!!!!!! Not only that but the fertility "experts" are all talking about the situation and many people who are uneducated are posting/publishing about how fertility treatments are bad and ignorant and lead to a litter of babies everytime.... I am just frustrated.
Ok time to put myself to bed, I am moving from the giggly phase to the pissed off phase very quickly- see this is when DH's internet controls would come in handy.
This week my internet reading has been about the lady who had octuplets. My first thought was, WOW that is amazing- WAY more kids than I can handle, but good for her and her husband to have a family after what was probably a long journey on the road of IF. Then the story broke that she already had 6 children of her own. I've been a little upset (read obsessed) with their story since then. Now I have no idea what the truth is but it seems to be the consensus in all the stories that the family does already have 6 children of their own. Now I am not usually one to judge and NEVER one to speak out about it but COME ON. I dunno I feel badly even writing this but I've had some liquid courage tonight (DH and I had our baby planning talk a day early- more to come on that tomorrow) and I am just mad that I can't even have one and some people have 14!!!!!!!!! Not only that but the fertility "experts" are all talking about the situation and many people who are uneducated are posting/publishing about how fertility treatments are bad and ignorant and lead to a litter of babies everytime.... I am just frustrated.
Ok time to put myself to bed, I am moving from the giggly phase to the pissed off phase very quickly- see this is when DH's internet controls would come in handy.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Hot Tub Confessions
My mother calls her hot tub "truth serum". That's because for some reason both she and I just seem to spill all of our secrets once inside. Each time I enter the warm bubbles, I do so with a renewed sense of strength that THIS time I won't let my mouth get me into trouble.... once again I was defeated.
Each Sunday we go to my parents' house for family dinner. They began this tradition about a year ago and it's really nice. DH and I go early and we play a couple hands of cards and then my sister and her husband come and we catch up. Tonight was no exception but I wanted to go in the hot tub.
DH doesn't really like the hot tub so it was no surprise that he declined but my mother volunteered. I was determined not to get myself into trouble and began our chat about her and what she's been up to. That was pretty good then she started asking me about all the different things I've been involved in this year and it popped out that I took on so much so I could avoid having to deal with my PCOS and infertility. She once again began the barrage of "but shouldn't you just keep trying? Is the doctor SURE you don't ovulate? What if you just relaxed??"
Now I love my mom but it took all of my self control to make it out of our hot tub session with my emotions in tact and a level head. I cried the whole way home and DH says he and I will talk about all things baby next Saturday. It's always NEXT Saturday. He is saying that maybe he does want to just keep trying even though he knows that our RE says I should try the Clomid this spring. He also brought up the potential for losing his job and my district is merging so there's no telling what could happen there. I am just beyond frustrated and upset about all of this. AUGHHHH Why can't my body just be NORMAL of ovulate every 28 days and then I can have a baby like a REGULAR woman. THIS is why I took on so much because I can't deal with the emotions and stress.
*Sorry for the vent*
Each Sunday we go to my parents' house for family dinner. They began this tradition about a year ago and it's really nice. DH and I go early and we play a couple hands of cards and then my sister and her husband come and we catch up. Tonight was no exception but I wanted to go in the hot tub.
DH doesn't really like the hot tub so it was no surprise that he declined but my mother volunteered. I was determined not to get myself into trouble and began our chat about her and what she's been up to. That was pretty good then she started asking me about all the different things I've been involved in this year and it popped out that I took on so much so I could avoid having to deal with my PCOS and infertility. She once again began the barrage of "but shouldn't you just keep trying? Is the doctor SURE you don't ovulate? What if you just relaxed??"
Now I love my mom but it took all of my self control to make it out of our hot tub session with my emotions in tact and a level head. I cried the whole way home and DH says he and I will talk about all things baby next Saturday. It's always NEXT Saturday. He is saying that maybe he does want to just keep trying even though he knows that our RE says I should try the Clomid this spring. He also brought up the potential for losing his job and my district is merging so there's no telling what could happen there. I am just beyond frustrated and upset about all of this. AUGHHHH Why can't my body just be NORMAL of ovulate every 28 days and then I can have a baby like a REGULAR woman. THIS is why I took on so much because I can't deal with the emotions and stress.
*Sorry for the vent*
Friday, January 23, 2009
Weekend
The weekend has arrived and I am glad. I have been living for the weekends lately...
The plan for this 08-09 school year was that I was going to take things easy, not sign up for too much and enjoy being married. Then I was diagnosed with PCOS and plans changed. I am NOT good when things are wrong and I have lots of free time on my hands. That is time to worry and get anxious. I am really the only person I know who can't handle free time when things are off. My coping skill is to take on other commitments so I do not have to dwell. I signed up for a committees, to facilitate drama club, to work on my National Board Certification and to teach a course at a local college. Now I am stressed out about all things TTC AND everything I haave signed on for. I am so looking forward to May 20th when all my comitments have come to an end and I can start enjoying life and stop living for the weekend.
I really am going to give free time a try- DH and I talked about my taking the summer off to relax and focus on getting my body as ready for a baby as possible, or hopefully to take care of my body and the baby I am growing! Until then.... I am just glad it's the weekend and I can spend time with DH and doing things of my choosing.
The plan for this 08-09 school year was that I was going to take things easy, not sign up for too much and enjoy being married. Then I was diagnosed with PCOS and plans changed. I am NOT good when things are wrong and I have lots of free time on my hands. That is time to worry and get anxious. I am really the only person I know who can't handle free time when things are off. My coping skill is to take on other commitments so I do not have to dwell. I signed up for a committees, to facilitate drama club, to work on my National Board Certification and to teach a course at a local college. Now I am stressed out about all things TTC AND everything I haave signed on for. I am so looking forward to May 20th when all my comitments have come to an end and I can start enjoying life and stop living for the weekend.
I really am going to give free time a try- DH and I talked about my taking the summer off to relax and focus on getting my body as ready for a baby as possible, or hopefully to take care of my body and the baby I am growing! Until then.... I am just glad it's the weekend and I can spend time with DH and doing things of my choosing.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I'm Baaaaack
:-) And glad to be here. I really haven't gone anywhere for the past week, I've just taken the week to retreat inside myself. My stress level has been off the charts and the last thing I could handle was being chipper on my blog. If you don't have anything nice to say.... take a break from blogging.
I did post a couple of times about some of the stress but have recovered *mostly* and am back to my old self. I think with 2009 arriving a lot of things I had been hanging my hopes on had suddenly arrived. This month I was supposed to begin teaching nights at a college, my national board work has been kicked in to over drive, I was supposed to begin relaxation (HA!) and acupuncture for my fertility treatments and the kids at school were supposed to be ready to learn (they are ALWAYS ready in January). But so much of that has been put on the back burner for now.
DH (C) and I had a really serious talk this week and it finally has hit home for me. I need to stop committing myself so much. Next year I will not be beginning another graduate degree, I will not be taking on additional certifications or trainings. Next school year I will go to school and come home after my meetings. I will pick 1 or 2 committees I enjoy and feel are making a difference on the school and on children learning. If I am not pregnant in January of 2010 I will facilitate the drama club but as a rule I will leave school daily at 4:00pm.
These changes are for my mental, physical, and relationship health and I am totally on board this time. If I feel myself slipping and wandering towards taking on new initiatives as a way to combat my anxiety about trying to conceive I will talk with my husband and we can work on it together. We are a team and I know he won't let me struggle with the feelings of inadequacy alone.
I did post a couple of times about some of the stress but have recovered *mostly* and am back to my old self. I think with 2009 arriving a lot of things I had been hanging my hopes on had suddenly arrived. This month I was supposed to begin teaching nights at a college, my national board work has been kicked in to over drive, I was supposed to begin relaxation (HA!) and acupuncture for my fertility treatments and the kids at school were supposed to be ready to learn (they are ALWAYS ready in January). But so much of that has been put on the back burner for now.
DH (C) and I had a really serious talk this week and it finally has hit home for me. I need to stop committing myself so much. Next year I will not be beginning another graduate degree, I will not be taking on additional certifications or trainings. Next school year I will go to school and come home after my meetings. I will pick 1 or 2 committees I enjoy and feel are making a difference on the school and on children learning. If I am not pregnant in January of 2010 I will facilitate the drama club but as a rule I will leave school daily at 4:00pm.
These changes are for my mental, physical, and relationship health and I am totally on board this time. If I feel myself slipping and wandering towards taking on new initiatives as a way to combat my anxiety about trying to conceive I will talk with my husband and we can work on it together. We are a team and I know he won't let me struggle with the feelings of inadequacy alone.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Moms...
I had recovered from the Target incident but have still been emotionally shaky this weekend. Went out to lunch with my mom this weekend and a pregnant lady gets sat next to us. My mom, I KNOW she was trying to be supportive, patted me on the arm and assured me "that will be you next Christmas honey." All I could do was nod.
It's like the closer that treatment gets the less emotionally stable I feel. I have had the luxury of living with the hope of these treatments working.... but what if they don't? I don't think I am ready for my hope to go away and to deal with disappointment and the obsession of testing every 28 days. I am just getting nervous that Clomid which we've been pinning all our baby hopes on, may not be the panacea that we are thinking it is...
It's like the closer that treatment gets the less emotionally stable I feel. I have had the luxury of living with the hope of these treatments working.... but what if they don't? I don't think I am ready for my hope to go away and to deal with disappointment and the obsession of testing every 28 days. I am just getting nervous that Clomid which we've been pinning all our baby hopes on, may not be the panacea that we are thinking it is...
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Tears in Target
Thursday night I told DH we HAD to finish our Christmas shopping or I was going to have a fit. Off we went to pick up the last few things for our families. We weren't even near the baby stuff when it began, we were near the tissues actually which turned out to be fortuitous. All of a sudden I was reminded of a conversation my mother and I had a couple years previous around Christmas time. I don't even remember who told it now but...
One of us knew someone who was pregnant. The woman announced it at Christmas to her parents by giving them t-shirts that said #1 Grammy and #1 Grampy. I know my mom hopes someday that I announce my pregnancy in a similar way.
Standing there in Target though I was just overcome with such sadness that once again she won't have the promise of a grand-baby under the tree....
One of us knew someone who was pregnant. The woman announced it at Christmas to her parents by giving them t-shirts that said #1 Grammy and #1 Grampy. I know my mom hopes someday that I announce my pregnancy in a similar way.
Standing there in Target though I was just overcome with such sadness that once again she won't have the promise of a grand-baby under the tree....
Sunday, November 16, 2008
First of all it is still November
WHY DOES THE MALL LOOK LIKE A WINTER WONDERLAND?!
Yesterday the weather was icky so DH and I ventured out to the mall- just like everyone else in southern Maine. Holiday music playing in the background, Santa smiling with wailing babies, fake snow and Christmas trees in every window. I usually love the holidays but this season I feel more like a Scrooge than ever before.
Money is tight for everyone this year and I am feeling more pressure than ever to horde money due to the fact that DH and I are going to begin treatments for IF in the new year. Also I am feeling Scroogish because it seems like everyone at the mall has their happy family, walking around, smiling, waiting in line for pictures with Santa while I am asking which night is pet night to bring in my furbabies. Even the parents hauling screaming children out to the car make my uterus ache for one of my own. DH tries to make me feel better by smiling and saying how glad he is that it isn't us, but that's just one more reminder that my babymakers don't work quite right. I usually love the holidays, but this year I am not feeling it at all.... BAH HUMBUG!
Yesterday the weather was icky so DH and I ventured out to the mall- just like everyone else in southern Maine. Holiday music playing in the background, Santa smiling with wailing babies, fake snow and Christmas trees in every window. I usually love the holidays but this season I feel more like a Scrooge than ever before.
Money is tight for everyone this year and I am feeling more pressure than ever to horde money due to the fact that DH and I are going to begin treatments for IF in the new year. Also I am feeling Scroogish because it seems like everyone at the mall has their happy family, walking around, smiling, waiting in line for pictures with Santa while I am asking which night is pet night to bring in my furbabies. Even the parents hauling screaming children out to the car make my uterus ache for one of my own. DH tries to make me feel better by smiling and saying how glad he is that it isn't us, but that's just one more reminder that my babymakers don't work quite right. I usually love the holidays, but this year I am not feeling it at all.... BAH HUMBUG!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
PCOS- One more step
This summer I was diagnosed with PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. I met with both my doctor, a reproductive endocrinologist and a nutritionist to help get me on the path to baby making! Tonight though DH and I are attending a class called PCOS- What next? And it is supposed to go over all the implications PCOS will have on our lives.
I am lucky- I have what my doctor calls a "mild" case. He believes with hormone therapy I should be able to get pregnant inside of a year, but PCOS has implications for the rest of my life such as insulin resistance, weight gain possibilities, ovarian cysts, annovulation and more. Although DH and I have been learning through books, articles and the internet, it will be nice to talk with other women going through this and to talk with my RE and ask all the questions that occured to me AFTER the appointment.
I am hopeful that we will learn a lot tonight- DH is worried that the evening will end in tears. Well I doubt this meeting will be more upsetting than my school workshop yesterday. When I feel stronger I will share that with you...
I am lucky- I have what my doctor calls a "mild" case. He believes with hormone therapy I should be able to get pregnant inside of a year, but PCOS has implications for the rest of my life such as insulin resistance, weight gain possibilities, ovarian cysts, annovulation and more. Although DH and I have been learning through books, articles and the internet, it will be nice to talk with other women going through this and to talk with my RE and ask all the questions that occured to me AFTER the appointment.
I am hopeful that we will learn a lot tonight- DH is worried that the evening will end in tears. Well I doubt this meeting will be more upsetting than my school workshop yesterday. When I feel stronger I will share that with you...
Sunday, November 2, 2008
IF and Marriage
When I was diagnosed with PCOS and my doctor told me it was the leading cause of infertility in women my age, I was devastated. My world really felt like it was ending and I didn't know what to do. When I told my husband all that I had learned in my 6 hours of Google searching, he was great. I told him that PCOS could mean never having children. I also offered him the opportunity to end our marriage with no guilt....
That guy! You wouldn't even believe it. He took me into his arms and told me nothing would ever make him leave me. That he would be as happy with our family of just fur babies as he would be with a family of real babies. Although I did not believe him 100% I was reassured at the time.
I have been studying about PCOS, talking with my doctor and my RE and DH has been with me each and every step of the way. The thing that I thought had the potential to end our marriage has only made it stronger. I know as crazy as I may get on the hormone treatments or as tearful as I may get each time I get a BFN, he will be there to hold my hand and assure me that he loves me and we will be a family even if it is just the two of us.
That guy! You wouldn't even believe it. He took me into his arms and told me nothing would ever make him leave me. That he would be as happy with our family of just fur babies as he would be with a family of real babies. Although I did not believe him 100% I was reassured at the time.
I have been studying about PCOS, talking with my doctor and my RE and DH has been with me each and every step of the way. The thing that I thought had the potential to end our marriage has only made it stronger. I know as crazy as I may get on the hormone treatments or as tearful as I may get each time I get a BFN, he will be there to hold my hand and assure me that he loves me and we will be a family even if it is just the two of us.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tears
I had been doing SO well with the whole IF thing but today it's just been really rough. No particular reason but I just have this pervading sense of loss or not being whole. On the car ride home tonight I fought back tears the entire way... I would like to blame it on hormonal imbalance but I started my new BCP yesterday and should be fine...
Maybe it is Halloween approaching, or me trying to over commit myself so I do not have to deal with what I am not doing... I dunno but today I am just full of tears. Like one of my kindergartners says "I just have to get all the water out."
Maybe it is Halloween approaching, or me trying to over commit myself so I do not have to deal with what I am not doing... I dunno but today I am just full of tears. Like one of my kindergartners says "I just have to get all the water out."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Diagnosis
It began back in March when I ran out of birth control pills and we decided not to fill the prescription for a few months to just "see what happens". Well what happened is I didn't get my period- so being the optimist that I am I thought we might be pregnant. Went to the doctor in May and mentioned this and so she gave me some blood tests. About two weeks later the doctor (not the nurse) called with the results...
I answered my phone because it was recess time and was really looking forward to getting news of a pregnancy. What she proceeded to tell me was quite the opposite. In fact what she gave me for a diagnosis, PCOS, is the leading cause for infertility in women my age. She told me she wasn't 100% sure but she would send me to a specialist who would give me more information. Later that day her nurse called and asked "how are you doing hon" at which point I broke down into hysterical tears only to be further upset by the fact that the specialist couldn't see me until SEPTEMBER 25th.
Now for those of you who know me- you know that having a baby has always been my dream. As a child I wanted to have more children than my great grandmother (she had 18). and now the nurses and doctors were telling me I couldn't even have one?
Well as luck would have it I called the RE myself and he got me in for July 21. He confirmed my doctor's Dx but gave us hope. Told us he had lots of success with different medications and that in a year we could hope to be pregnant. C and I left the office that day with hope. I joined a coupld of online chat goups to learn all I could about all of this new information and one thing I noticed was that not a lot of these women had the support of their insurance companies behind them.
I called mine- Anthem- and learned that not only do they not pay for any infertility but they also will not pay for diagnosis of such issues. (they do have full coverage for abortions though but that's a rant for another day). I now feel as though we are back at square one hoping for a baby we may never get and I just feel so inadequate about my body and everything. It has been a very difficult summer and to be honest, the only think I am looking forward to is getting back into the classroom...
I answered my phone because it was recess time and was really looking forward to getting news of a pregnancy. What she proceeded to tell me was quite the opposite. In fact what she gave me for a diagnosis, PCOS, is the leading cause for infertility in women my age. She told me she wasn't 100% sure but she would send me to a specialist who would give me more information. Later that day her nurse called and asked "how are you doing hon" at which point I broke down into hysterical tears only to be further upset by the fact that the specialist couldn't see me until SEPTEMBER 25th.
Now for those of you who know me- you know that having a baby has always been my dream. As a child I wanted to have more children than my great grandmother (she had 18). and now the nurses and doctors were telling me I couldn't even have one?
Well as luck would have it I called the RE myself and he got me in for July 21. He confirmed my doctor's Dx but gave us hope. Told us he had lots of success with different medications and that in a year we could hope to be pregnant. C and I left the office that day with hope. I joined a coupld of online chat goups to learn all I could about all of this new information and one thing I noticed was that not a lot of these women had the support of their insurance companies behind them.
I called mine- Anthem- and learned that not only do they not pay for any infertility but they also will not pay for diagnosis of such issues. (they do have full coverage for abortions though but that's a rant for another day). I now feel as though we are back at square one hoping for a baby we may never get and I just feel so inadequate about my body and everything. It has been a very difficult summer and to be honest, the only think I am looking forward to is getting back into the classroom...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Fortune Cookie Wisdom
Tonight DH brought home Chinese food for dinner. He knows I've been going through a lot lately and wanted to make things easier on me. We enjoyed our dinner but my favorite part is the free dessert- Fortune Cookies! I just get such a kick out of them.... well tonight I was kicked when I read mine:
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."
Excuse me but WTF. What is that supposed to mean? The pain I am going through with the PCOS and the inability to create a child when I see women doing it effortlessly and by mistake every day of my life- THAT is supposed to open my understanding?! Let me tell you- the pain has for sure broken my shell but I am further away from understanding God's plan for me now than ever before. I really try not to judge other people's choices but REALLY?! How can some of these women have not only one child but many children- unable to take care of themselves let alone other humanbeings, not having enough time for their children, telling them they are useless and leaving it up to me as their teacher to take care of them and make them feel loved. It's just too much.
As I sat here being upset over this Chinese "wisdom" my pomeranian took the fortune and hid it under the bed. Hmmmm maybe the second fortune I got just came true: "An important person will offer you support." Maybe the Chinese aren't so far off afterall?
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."
Excuse me but WTF. What is that supposed to mean? The pain I am going through with the PCOS and the inability to create a child when I see women doing it effortlessly and by mistake every day of my life- THAT is supposed to open my understanding?! Let me tell you- the pain has for sure broken my shell but I am further away from understanding God's plan for me now than ever before. I really try not to judge other people's choices but REALLY?! How can some of these women have not only one child but many children- unable to take care of themselves let alone other humanbeings, not having enough time for their children, telling them they are useless and leaving it up to me as their teacher to take care of them and make them feel loved. It's just too much.
As I sat here being upset over this Chinese "wisdom" my pomeranian took the fortune and hid it under the bed. Hmmmm maybe the second fortune I got just came true: "An important person will offer you support." Maybe the Chinese aren't so far off afterall?
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