T And Cookies

2010-06-28T15:02:00.001-04:00

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Vote for G Again...

2010-06-08T19:53:00.001-04:00

I know you've done this in the past but I need your help again.... this is a MUCH bigger deal. G has a chance to be on the cover of Parents Magazine!!! You can vote for her here. You can vote once a day until Saturday!! :-)

http://photos.parents.com/category/vote/id/7/w/23/y/2010?page=598&

Gone... but not too far

2010-05-20T19:31:00.001-04:00

I've moved Blogs. This blog was incredibly helpful during my TTC time and my pregnancy but I feel it is time for a new space. You can find me on http://gabsmommy.blogspot.com/ See you there! :-)

She WON!!!

2010-05-11T05:38:00.002-04:00

Thank you for voting but Gab won!! I cannot believe it and I am so happy for her. It's funny, she is always SO smily but when I told her yesterday (yes I know she doesn't understand) she actually made kind of an irritated face. I think she was just sad that I was talking and not giving her big hugs and kisses like I usually do as soon as I get to daycare. Someday she will appreciate it!! Thanks again for voting. Click here to see her winning photo on the site now.

Vote for G!!

2010-04-28T19:29:00.002-04:00

Today G was chosen by the editors of thebump.com and shutterfly.com as one of the top five finalists out of more than 600 in the baby's first smile contest. You can go here and see the finalists and vote. I am so proud of my baby! I always knew she was cute :-)

VACATION and SNOW?!

2010-04-17T06:50:00.002-04:00

Hooray for vacation! Vacation began yesterday for us and in true fashion, we kept plenty busy. It was nice to spend the whole day with DD and I hadn't realized just how many things she's learned until I spent the whole day with her. Sure I've seen her doing baby pushups and starting to grab and pass things back and forth between her hands, but I was able to fully appreciate it yesterday. I truly cannot get over how amazed I am with her- it doesn't help that other people are as well....

Looking forward to a fun week with lots of walks, and play time we woke up this morning to SNOW on the ground. Yes, I DO live in Maine but it's APRIL for goodness sakes, and AFTER TAX DAY!! What IS mother nature thinking?? Just last sunday DH was wearing shorts and now we have to get out the hat and mittens again? Thankfully it looks like it will melt pretty quickly but so much for our walk this morning, maybe we will have to go walking at the mall.... and perhaps stop by Babies R Us and get the food processor I want. DD is going to try solids on Sunday, her 5 month birthday!! :-)

Terrific Tuesday!

2010-04-13T16:15:00.002-04:00

I haven't done a Terrific Tuesday post in quite awhile but today is so terrific, how can I not?!

Well for one thing, it's the 13th of the month- notoriously our lucky day. I had a personal day, got done my typing for a major paper, got the paper mailed, ran errands I've had to do for quite some time. After that I was able to pick up the baby early, we went and got her birth certificate, played some games. Now she's snoozing a little. Tonight DH has a friend coming over to play, the plan is baby down for bed at 7:30, then off to get Thai food for LOST and tonight is a HURLEY episode!! I've been waiting for this one since the start of the season.

Can Tuesday really get more terrific than this?? Oh yeah, and 2 more days of work before V*A*C*A*T*I*O*N!!

Daycare Vent

2010-04-12T17:49:00.002-04:00

First I want to begin by saying I LOVE G's daycare. They are so sweet there. Take excellent care of here, are always happy to talk with me when I call and indulge me when I am worried about something even if it is a sniffle. I couldn't be happier.... well that's not 100% true because then I wouldn't have a vent but I promise this is it.

I am a teacher. We have a few more vacations than the average joe. It's the perfect mom job. Well during our interview I *thought* I heard the lady say, you do have to pay us for school vacations but we expect you to keep her home. I thought, no big deal, I DO intend to keep her home, I might send her one day a vacation so I can get some things done but ABSOLUTELY I want to keep her home. Well we have vacation next week and I have an appointment Thursday.... I have asked every week for the last month if they could tell me a day she could attend so I could schedule this. I hadn't heard so I just did it. Today I mentioned it again and they were wishy-washy again. I understand they let their afterschool kids come all day over break so their numbers are higher, but I am still paying for a full time slot and I can't even send her for 4 hours 1 day?!

DH and I talked about it and we view it like this... if we choose not to send her, then ABSOLUTELY we owe them money. No worries about that, but if they refuse to take her for an entire week do we really have to pay? I get their vacations 2 weeks a year, fine but it feels like I am being taken advantage of because I am a teacher. I already suffer with long hours and low pay, no budget, and this year no raise since we are in a contract issue and now I have to pay additional vacation weeks and I cannot send her?

I love them. I REALLY do. They take fab care of G but today I'm a little miffed about money. I see it from their pov but still. Am I totally off my rocker??

Sad mommy moment

2010-04-07T20:16:00.002-04:00

Today was a sad mommy moment for me.... well mixed emotions but sad at the same time.

I can't get over how quickly my little girl is growing. It seems each day we hit a new milestone and have such little time to enjoy each precious moment. It's no secret that I was upset about having to go back and finish out the school year this year... but I had to, for our family. As you know G is on her second daycare and we LOVE it!! They are FABULOUS and take excellent care of her, and me! :-)

Well today I went to drop her off. Took her out of the infant seat and went to give her a hug and kiss bye and she started to whimper. Then M, her favorite caregiver came over and G rewarded her with a FAB smile. I was dissapointed but I leaned in to give her one last hug before handing her off and G leaned towards M with a HUGE smile on her face. IT was all I could do to not burst into tears. M smiled kindly and said "she's really happy here." I am glad she's so happy, I just thought I might have a little time before she was happy to go with other people instead of staying with me all the time. It was a sad mommy moment.

Of course tonight though G and I have had a terrific evening. We've played, laughed and cuddled and I am glad that she's in such good care when I cannot be there. Tomorrow I will be prepared when she shows daycare just how much she loves them, even if she forgets to show me how much she loves me.

Holidays Are Tough

2010-04-04T05:45:00.003-04:00

Especially when you're married, and even more so when you have a baby. When DH and I first started dating, were engaged, and finally married, we ran ourselves ragged each holiday. We'd need to see my family, his mom, his dad, and quite often his memere. Those are 4 different stops. After we had 4 Thanksgivings one year I gave up.

We began hosting or scheduling family and last year, when we were pregnant, it was a lot easier (except Easter because DH threw a tantrum but other than that...). Now with the baby it's gotten near impossible. With all the invitations it's hard to say no, you cannot see your grandchild, cousin, niece, great-niece etc for a major holiday.

Right now DH is getting ready, G and I are sitting on the couch waiting for the loooong day ahead to begin. I do intend to put my foot down after this madness today is done and work out a schedule about how everyone can enjoy the baby but we can continue to keep our sanity.

Happy Easter!

A Day Off!

2010-04-02T14:00:00.002-04:00

Today I have a day off from school which means I get to do my favorite job... being a mommy!!! My little boss had me begin at 5am but I loved it! We got to spend the whole day together, just she and I...

First we picked up the house, she snoozed while I finished, then off to get some Easter pictures done. We were meant to run errands but that didn't happen... instead we went to visit aunt K for lunch! Back home after lunch to clean some more; we are trying to sell our home and we have a showing tomorrow. :-)

The day ended with daddy coming home, dinner and bed. There really is no better job than being little G's mommy. And at 4 1/2 months it is SO much fun!!

Amazing

2010-03-29T20:51:00.002-04:00

4 1/2 months is amazing. LOVE being a mom right now. G is sleeping through the night :-) And she is SO much more interactive. Her awake time is real quality time and I couldn't ask for anything more than the little family I have.

I've been back to work 4 weeks now and I finally feel like I have my class back in order and back to myself. Things are good at work, although I am still unsure what I will be teaching next year. No position at K or 1 for next year. Don't want to move to 2nd with this class again so am looking to move buildings.... we will see.

New daycare continues to work out great. I can't even say how happy I am each afternoon when I pick up DD. She is smily and giggly. The "teacher" who takes care of her knows her so well. She was telling me how DD likes to be put down for naps and it is SO true.

Everything is going amazingly well and I cannot begin to describe just how at peace I am with the world currently. I hope it continues... of course getting 6 straight hours of sleep helps! :-D

So Much Has Been Happening!

2010-03-24T20:43:00.002-04:00

Well new day care is just amazing. Everyone there LOVES G and I don't even worry at all. Each time I call they talk with me about how she's doing and tell me funny stories from her day. When I go pick her up, she's smiling and even lets out a giggle when she sees me. G was with her auntie for 2 days and missed daycare... today she went back and they fussed all over her and told me how much they'd missed her when she was out. I feel REALLY good about new daycare and couldn't be happier that things have worked out.

Little G is now sleeping (mostly) through the night. She goes to bed by 8:30 and only wakes up once between 2 and 4 to eat... and she goes right back down. I then need to wake her at 6:45 so we can leave. (I've probably just jinxed myself!!) She is rolling over from tummy to back and back to tummy. She freaked us out one night when we went to check on her and she was tummy sleeping. Pedi says it's fine though, now she's strong enough to handle it.

G is using her jumparoo, sitting in a high chair (no solids yet), and becoming increasingly more mobile. She's my big grown up 4 month old baby now and I am so proud of her.

1 year ago today....

2010-03-13T18:23:00.000-05:00

I got my first positive pregnancy test! (and my second) Then I called DH from the supply closet at school during breakfast on pajama day. And that afternoon was told I was having a miscarriage. Then on the 16th of March, 2009 I was told, that no, in fact there WAS a baby.

Right now I am looking at our little miracle snoozing next to me on the couch and am as happy as I can possibly be. We are so blessed, our little family.

Talking it out

2010-03-09T05:38:00.002-05:00

Old daycare called yesterday when she didn't show up. I told them she had a drs appt (true) and that we'd call them later to let them know what's going on (not true). G had an awesome day at new daycare and each time I called, they didn't rush me off the phone and encouraged me to call again to see how she was doing.

Last night though I knew we had to let Old daycare know she wouldn't be in today as well... DH offered and I took him up on the offer. They asked why and he said he didn't want to get into it but that they should receive a letter tomorrow. The man said "so no notice and no payment." DH said just read the letter and we can talk about it if you'd like. Not even 2 minutes later both our cell phones started ringing.

I answered mine thinking I'd hang up if I got uncomfortable but it was the wife. She asked if I knew DH had quit daycare... of course I knew! And she hoped it was nothing they did. That's when I shared with her how uncomfortable I was with one provider there with all those children. She launched into a story about how terrible her health is (not helping your case!!) and how it was the last appointment of the day. I told her I understood and I do not begrudge her her health and know about needing to go to the dr but it wasn't a one off thing and reminded her how she took a pilates class during daycare hours with my mother in law! She protested that she could take those classes at night if that would be better....

I told her I need to look out for my daughter, we do not believe they held up their end of the contract and if they'd like to pursue the 2 week notice money they were welcome to. She told me she was going to let it go, kept telling me how sick she was and I simply told her, we like you as a person but I need to have G in a space that's safer at this point. What's funny though is she seemed most hurt that we lied on Friday when we gave our notice. I explained that we didn't want her to be mad at us and take it out on G and that we intended to have G stay there this week and honor half of our notice but I thought about it all weekend and just couldn't send her back.... especially when new daycare said they'd take her right away.

It didn't go the way I planned but I am glad it's done. Today they will get the letter with everything in writing that we discussed last night. I've contacted my friends who also attend this daycare to let them know exactly why we are quitting (my MIL didn't think it ok to tell them the truth!) and DH and I are wrestling with calling DHHS for the safety of the other children. I hate to do it but what if something happened to a child while there was one caregiver?? I am glad she and I talked it out and now I know that she understands why we're quitting.

Daycare Drama DONE!

2010-03-07T17:01:00.002-05:00

*Hopefully*

We interviewed a daycare on Thursday and I spoke to two others Thursday and Friday. On Friday we called our first choice and they will take G starting MONDAY!!! Hooray! Did I fill you in on what happened at daycare last Friday?

Friday morning DH went with me to daycare. We decided we would tell them that we were giving one week's notice. When they asked why, we were going to say we couldn't afford it. We did this and the man was pretty upset. He cited the contract we signed saying that we agreed to give 2 weeks notice. Then he picked up the baby carrier and took her out of the room. DH and I left and I was in tears saying how I didn't get to say goodbye and didn't like the feeling I got when he took her out of the room. DH offered to take her to work for the day but that wouldn't be practical either especially with him still in his first 60 days with this company.

I had severe anxiety all day long and was thankful that I had a workshop day and it even got done early! I got to daycare by 2:30 and was never happier to see my princess. We left with a "see you Monday!" knowing full well that I would not let my child return to that daycare again.

Spoke to the other daycares that day and was waiting to hear back from #1 choice that afternoon. Phone FINALLY rang at almost 8:00 and they said they could start her Monday. :-) Relieved that she has a safe place to go that we are comfortable with. They are pretty much the complete opposite of first daycare... durring the interview didn't get into certain things, but I never doubted for a moment their love for the children they work with, and their passion for kids in general. When I spoke to owner/operator she said "You know, we're really excited to work with her, we kinda love her already." Just so relieved. And the best part is that she is literally 2 minutes from where I work!!

So daycare drama is done.... moving on to getting back to a normal routine. :-)

Daycare Drama Day 2

2010-03-03T18:13:00.002-05:00

So G went back to her regular day care this morning. Everything was normal. I went to work much cooled down from Monday afternoon ready to call day cares and get going on our search. The day was busy but good I even taught drama after school like I usually do on Wednesdays. It was a busy day. Got to daycare to pick her up and was reminded why she's switching.

I got out of my car and could hear yelling. Something to the effect of "DON'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING. IF YOU DON"T WANT TO HELP THEN YOU CAN JUST BE QUIET!!!" I opened the door as usual and all fell silent. I couldn't tell if he was yelling at his wife or a child but either way, that's not what I want my child exposed to. He was much calmer by the time I came up the stairs and he handed me the baby while his wife talked with me about her day but the memory of his angry and loud voice still echoed in the room. It was not a pleasant situation. I was glad she and I were going.

I got home, thinking about the daycare thing and started feeding the baby. Phone rang, it was the daycare in the town I teach in and they want us to come interview tomorrow!!! I had hoped for a spot there when I was pregnant but they were full... now it looks like they can take on one more baby so I will chat with them tomorrow. Many of the other teachers send their children to this daycare so it comes HIGHLY recommended. Actually, my fabulous co-workers were going to bat for me because it's really hard to get in there. Crossing my fingers that it all goes well tomorrow and I can give notice on Friday!! Now the question is... I have to give and pay two weeks notice... do I send her those two weeks? :-/

Daycare Troubles

2010-03-02T20:59:00.002-05:00

Daycare went great for about a week...

I don't know if I shared on this blog but before we sent G to daycare DH called to talk with them about her start date and one of the daycare providers was out and would call us back. I asked DH if that meant there was just one adult with all those kids... he of course didn't know.

I knew I needed to find out but I was afraid of the answer (yes I know, terrible mommy). I thought about it all weekend and was going to ask Monday but the opportunity presented itself...

I got to daycare at my regular time (4:15) and came through the front door as usual. D called down "Who's here?" And I called back "G's Mommy!" I went upstairs and there were at least 8 kids running around the upstairs not to mention my baby in his arms. Usually the second daycare provider is also there but she was no where to be found. So I asked.... Where is K? And he replied "She had a Dr appointment." I packed up G and we left. I called DH and was upset...the law in Maine says that 1 provider can have no more than 6 children at a time and no more than 2 of those children can be under 2 1/2. D had 8 kids and AT LEAST 4 of them are under 2 1/2... I was not happy. OH and my MIL shared with me that she thought it was weird because K took a class with her at noon time 1 day a week... she thought it was odd that K was at pilates pilates and not at daycare.

Today I began looking for new daycare. She had to go back there and will need to be there until we find something else but I am disappointed. THey are SO nice and EVERYONE past and present customers LOVE them. They've always had top ratings in safety... but they are out of compliance with the state regulations. Those regulations are there for a reason. What if something were to happen with only one provider there and I knew this was their practice and could have prevented it. So G is going to find a new daycare to attend.

But just because people are nice and others are willing to trust their children to them, doesn't mean that I have to be comfortable.... I need to do what's right for baby G and our family.

No Power Day and 100 Days Old!

2010-02-26T07:47:00.002-05:00

Today is a big day. School and daycare are both closed due to no power! We've gotten TONS of rain over the last 2 days, roads are flooded and many people/businesses are without power.

Sadly I got up, showered, dressed, and dressed the baby before checking my cell phone or TV this morning. Oh well. Just after I learned I didn't have to go to work, daycare called and they're closed due to no water.... which is hilarious since it's rained for 2 straight days here! So Baby G and I are enjoying our first "snow" day together... I am tempted to go put my jammies back on so she can get the full experience of the snow day!

Also today Baby G is 100 days old. Time sure is rocketing by. My little lady has grown and learned so much over these last 100 days... she's "talking" laughing, rolling over, clapping, trying to creep, recognizing faces, turning towards our voices... my little lady is, as my first graders would say, "A-M-A-Z-I-N-G amazing!" Happy 100th day baby G!

Sleeping Through The Night

2010-02-23T20:49:00.002-05:00

Yes folks, you read right. My dear, darling, amazing, fabulous little peanut slept through the night last night.

Yesterday was G's first day of daycare and it's no secret that it was tough for me. We know them but they're not family... it was tough leaving my baby with people who do not know her or love her. I went to pick her up at 4 and she was asleep literally before I buckled her in the car seat. She woke up as soon as we got home and she played for about 1 1/2 hours before getting fussy. We cuddled her, fed her, tried to calm her down but she was cranky pants for sure. I was starting to get myself ready for a long sleepless night.

At 8:30 I said "time for bed..." I fed her and she was asleep at 9. Put in her crib at 9:15 and I had to wake her up at 6:10 this morning. That is 9 hours folks!!!!!

I did not sleep through the night, I kept waking to check on her. I even stared at her for a few minutes at 4:00 because she has never missed a 4am feeding in all her life. She was ravenous at 6 but in a fantastic mood. We were able to play for a little while before leaving for daycare day 2.... Now day 2 is done and little G is already in bed.... let's see what tonight brings!

Thankful Thursday

2010-02-18T19:04:00.002-05:00

I am thankful for...

The sleepy twins...

Exhausted after a long day of Baptism!

Time

2010-02-18T07:37:00.002-05:00

Time is a funny thing... it goes so fast at times and so slow at others. This week has been lightning fast. DH asked me this morning what day of the week it was and I was sad to tell him Thursday. Last week, while I was working, the week crawled by. Each day felt like an eternity until I could get home to pick up little G then before I knew it, I had to leave for work again. This week is the same.... how it is Thursday already is beyond me!

Today is also special because little G is 3 months old today. That's 1/4th of a year. WOW!!! This morning we told her the story of her birth again and she smiled through the whole thing. She is becoming so much more expressive and interactive. Each day with her really is a new adventure. It will be hard to see her go to daycare but the good news is, I only have 15 weeks left of school (at the most) and this summer I will get to spend LOTS of time with her.... I will probably still work, but only 1/2 days which will leave my afternoons free to be with little G.... but that just means time will go by that much more quickly!

Daycare Visit

2010-02-16T16:04:00.002-05:00

Today was our daycare visit. DH and I went before little G was born and met the owners which is how we choose this daycare. They've been in touch several times since G has been born and today was little G and mommy's visit to daycare to see it in action and introduce her to the kids before she begins next week.

It went as well as it could. The daycare is wonderful and comes highly recommended by everyone who has been there.. it's just not me. I was telling DH when he asked and I told him everything I disliked, that it could have been called Baby G's Perfect Daycare and I still would have found something wrong because it's just not me. I suppose there is still a chance I could win the lottery Wednesday or Saturday and get to stay home....

I know she'll be safe, well cared for and loved there. I really know that. I am just sad that I can't be with her all the time. Daycare is so lucky to get my fabulous, amazing, wonderful girl all day. I hope they know just how lucky they are.

Survived!

2010-02-12T20:32:00.002-05:00

I survived my first week back at work. I know, I know, it's not like it's a jungle or anything challenging, but my first week away from my baby.... that was an emotional challenge that I'd dare Bear Grills to survive.

Monday was tough. I cried the whole way to work, and then I got mad. I am a teacher and my LTS (long term sub) had completely changed everything in my classroom. I was able to direct much of my emotion into getting things back in order. Baby G was with my mom Monday and I called lots while trying to balance my professional responsibilities with pumping and taking care of myself emotionally. Thankfully I have a supportive staff at work and everyone was great. Tuesday was better but not by much.... Wednesday was tough again because G was with her Godmother who had never babysat her before.... Thursday was great because my mom brought G to visit :-) And then Friday was a breeze knowing I'd be on vacation with her for a whole week!!

Ahhhhhh It was hard for sure, after break will be tough again because then she'll be at daycare and I won't be able to call on every break I have (at least not for too long!!). She and I are going over to the daycare on Tuesday so the other kids can meet her and I can see it in action.... here's hoping it goes well. But it's only 15 weeks and then I am on summer break and I can pull her out if I want. But I am sure it will work out fine, it's just another unknown for now.

But, I survived week one.... let's see how week two goes!

I survived!

2010-02-09T05:27:00.001-05:00

My first day back at work. It was tough.... really tough. My mom picked her up this morning (she's at my mom's just this week since I have vacation next week.... she'll start day care the week after). I just needed my mom to take her and go... but my mom, being my mom dragged it out a little. I said "do you have everything you need?" and my mother replied "not a hug." Well I just needed to get it over with but I know my mom was being nice. She took her and that's when I fell apart. I cried pretty much the whole way to work, including at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru (not the first time I had a melt down at a DND drive thru but that's another story). People were calling and texting my whole way into work, which is nice to know people care, but I just needed to deal alone.

At work there were a mix of people who wanted to come by, talk about the baby and say how sorry they were I had to be there. Then there were the people who stopped by, welcomed me back, and said they'd come in and help if I needed anything. It was a nice balance. By 10:00 I wasn't crying anymore... and by 12 I had called the baby and was so happy to hear her cooing and just to get an update. My afternoon went much better than my morning. Tomorrow will hopefully be a little easier with things getting increasingly better as we get into a routine, plus, 4 days until vacation!

Achy Breaky Heart

2010-02-07T20:28:00.003-05:00

I am not into country music, but my heart feels as though it is breaking tonight. I go back to work tomorrow. I am beyond upset and have spent the better part of the evening crying. I took a bath just so I could cry without my husband hounding me about what's wrong and how can he help? He can't help. Unless I can stay home or have a job where Miss G comes with, I cannot be helped at this point.

The hardest part is that we will have to go through this twice. I am going back Monday and this week she will be staying with relatives. I then I have a week of vacation which I will get to spend with her, but then real daycare begins so we'll have to go through this separation again. I don't know what will be harder, leaving her with my family or with daycare. You'd think leaving her with family would be easier, but I am not so sure....

Seriously, it feels like my heart is breaking. She's asleep next to me right now and I can't stop stealing glances at her. She's so wonderful and perfect and we wanted her so much.... it feels wrong to be leaving her after all the praying we did to have her in our lives. I know I'll be fine after a while, but it feels like the "life scale" which has always been tipped towards work, is now completely on the family side. I know I will find balance at some point but for now... I don't want to! So don't tell my heart, my achy-breaky heart, I just don't think it'd understand (why I have to go back to work)!

Barium Test

2010-02-03T16:45:00.002-05:00

Today was Miss G's Barium test to see if her GI tract is alright. This comes after that scary night where she stopped breathing. We were referred to a pediatric GI specialist and he ordered this test. I was nervous going into it. The specialist's office said it may take a couple hours and explained she'd have to not eat after 5:00 this morning.

So my day began at 4:30 feeding her. Then what's the point in going back to sleep so I started getting myself ready for the day while she slept and woke her up at 6:30 so we could head to the hospital. The test, thankfully, only took about 15 minutes and she was good through it. She screamed most of the time when they took away the chalky mixture and afterwards she drank water and downed her bottle like a champ. The best part though was the Dr attending told us that she is totally fine inside and we just need to work with her specialist to treat the GERD and make her comfortable.

I am relieved that her anatomy is fine but still am worried about what happens if she has another stop breathing incident... particularly at night or even at daycare? My husband's cousin suggested an Angel Care monitor but I had always vowed I wouldn't be THAT parent who is paranoid all the time. I just know myself and I cannot handle that level of anxiety to have a monitor like that in the house.... but then the other part of me thinks.... but what if I do not have it, and something happens, and I could have helped her if I had that device?! Gosh parenting is not easy, that's for sure but perhaps it would bring peace of mind. I just know she's not moving into her own room until this is settled, treated, and we are confident that she'll be waking up each morning. So, the bassinet stays.

New plan... win the lottery!

2010-02-02T10:02:00.003-05:00

So it's no secret I am having trouble thinking about going back to work. (see post below) I actually love my job but it just feels a million miles from where I am right now. I brought the baby in when she was 5 weeks old and I wanted to run away from there as fast as I'd arrived. The kids were all happy to see me, and I them, but it was a grim reminder of my having to leave my baby. She and I are going back this afternoon and I am going to meet with the woman who has been teaching my classroom and start planning for my return on Monday. I've been talking with my sub all along but this will be it. Although I start teaching Monday, I will begin working as soon as I am done this blog post.

The extra tears and emotion are really getting to DH. He just got a job with a nice raise and asked me if I thought we could now afford for me to take off the rest of the school year and I'd just start fresh in September. As nice as that would be, we can't. My job has the health insurance and we need health insurance with the baby. Also I'd be giving up almost half my salary and while we *could* do it, we'd have to buckle down and have no extras. Plus, who's to say that it would be any easier in September? She'll be doing a whole bunch of new stuff that I won't want to miss. So I have a new plan.... win the lottery and I can take off the remainder of the school year and buy private insurance or go on COBRA. What do you think? Wish me luck!

Back to work soon...

2010-02-01T09:48:00.000-05:00

How can I leave this face? HONESTLY. (and that is so not even her cutest picture) I go back to work on Monday.... 6 days.... I cannot even imagine how that is going to work out for me. I've been extra emotional this week and I think it has to do with my impending return to work. Oh, I know she'll be fine. My first week back she's staying with family and then I have my February vacation. But after that, the first morning at daycare, I see being a real struggle for me. The daycare we've chosen is great. Amazingly clean, and the people are so sweet. They keep saying how blessed they are to have her. I know she'll be in good hands... they just won't be my hands and that's tough. I am trying to come to peace with the fact that even though they won't be doing things my way, it doesn't mean it is the wrong way.

When I was getting ready to give up control of my classroom to my long term sub I had some anxiety about that too.... her not doing things my way but you know what? It's good for the kiddos to see another style of teaching especially since I had 14/19 kids last year in kindergarten as well. When I went to check on them, they were just fine.

I know Miss G will be great and they'll take wonderful care of her, but darn, I am going to miss those little cheeks and her perfect toes, and her smile just after a burp and those little giggles she lets out while she's sleeping, and most of all I'll miss playing with her and cuddling her. We are in a nice flexible routine here and I just cannot imagine going back to my regular routine.

Great News! And Some Scary Days....

2010-01-23T19:59:00.002-05:00

Great News!

On Thursday DH got a job! The day after he was laid off the owner of this company called him and asked him if he'd be interested in working for them. DH said he'd think about it and Thursday we went up there and he made DH an offer he couldn't refuse. What a relief for us to have him back to work (he starts Monday). Also he was offered a raise of a few thousand dollars and some great perks!! He was so psyched he was calling all our family to say he got a raise of $6000+ and I did the math.... over the unemployment he would have collected, it was a raise of $30,000+ He was even happier when he learned that! :-)

Scary News...

That same night we were really excited and were celebrating with carrot cake. DH fed DD a bottle whilst I pumped and DD fell asleep in his arms. He held her about 45 minutes after feeding her then passed her to me to get her dressed for bed. I got her dressed, picked her up for a snuggle and she stopped breathing. She got really rigid and turned bright red. I flipped her over and started hitting her on the back. It took about 5 seconds (which was an eternity) but mucus and milk came out her nose and mouth. She started to gasp for air and finally got her lungs full and let out an ear splitting scream. I was of course upset and we immediately packed her up and headed to the hospital. The hospital diagnosed her with Reflux and asked us to talk with our Pedi (which we had before about her reflux and the pedi didn't want to do anything about it). Home from the hospital around 3am, I didn't sleep at all that night watching her. What if she spit up again while sleeping and couldn't clear her throat then?? Seriously, what if we'd been sleeping.

I said to DH on the way home from the ER that "Miss G was just reminding us to appreciate her." He broke down in tears and replied "we appreciate her so much, she's our miracle baby. We were not supposed to have children.... we will never take her for granted."

Last night was another sleepless night watching her.... we're going to a specialist soon and she's now on baby Zantac. hopefully some more nights of sleeping and breathing will help me relax and get the rest I need... especially since DH begins work Monday and I go back in 2 weeks.

2 Month Shots

2010-01-19T16:38:00.003-05:00

They are horrible. I do not use that word lightly, horrible. I cannot imagine anything worse. No I am sure that there are worse things that some children go through but thus far in my 9 week old baby's life that was the worst. She even had her tongue clipped in the hospital and that wasn't as bad as her two month vaccines.

Now I personally have a fear of needles and I knew the shots would be tough on me so I brought DH along. I was doing great at first and held the baby for her first shot and it was all going well, until she got stuck and SCREAMED. I don't mean cried, I don't mean wailed, I mean SCREAMED. You'd have thought someone was trying to murder her and for all she knew, the nurse was. I am sure I looked in shock because the nurse told me to pick her up. I stood there talking to my inconsolable baby for a few minutes until my husband took her away from me and laid her down for the next two shots.

We all survived, but it was close there for a minute (even DH looked shell shocked when it was done). I know she needs these shots, but man it was horrible. No shots though for 2 months... I've already told DH there is no option, he's coming with!

Bittersweet at 8 weeks...

2010-01-13T15:44:00.003-05:00

This has been the toughest "birthday" for me yet. I've been dreading the 8 week mark not for a growth spurt, not because it puts me closer to going back to work.... no I was dreading the 8 week mark because to me it means she's all grown up.

Yes, I know that sounds slightly crazy but let me explain. When I was a child (yes a child) I always loved kids. I was THE babysitter in the neighborhood, taking the Red Cross babysitting course, starting out at age 9 as a mother's helper then 10 as a "real" babysitter. When I was 11 my neighbor had a baby boy. I had already babysat many times for her 4 year old daughter and I could not wait to get my hands on that baby!! Well they promised me when he turned 8 weeks old, I could take care of him. True to their word, when he was 8 weeks old, they went out to dinner and left myself and one of my friends in charge of the 8 week old baby and his sister.... Now my own baby is 8 weeks old and I CANNOT imagine leaving her with anyone besides my husband or one of our parents, let alone an 11 year old child.

So this morning at G's 4am feeding I cried for her being all grown up. I know she's still my little baby, but this was a big milestone for me.

G celebrated 8 weeks with her own milestone today- she rolled over front to back during tummy time! She was so excited she promptly threw up all over the couch. She's now sleeping off the excitement. I can't wait for her to wake up and roll over again. Here we go, step one in being mobile!

Just when things were going great....

2010-01-12T10:00:00.002-05:00

2010 started off so much better than 2009. We were hopeful, our family felt complete, everything seemed to be going fine.... until DH came home last night. He was laid off. Yes, this will be a financial hit to us, I can pay most of the bills on my own but there are some loans he had before we were together that I cannot take care of, but more importantly it's a hit to our morale. It seems like we cannot get everything in our lives working great all at the same time.

He has already begun looking for something new, and this will save us having a daycare bill temporarily, but still, it will be tough. I have 3 1/2 more weeks of paid leave left and I will head back to work as soon as it runs out. I never imagined him being a stay at home dad (especially since I had to really work on him being a dad in the first place) but he's psyched about it and day one, he has taken over quite a bit of baby G's care. It will make my transition back to work easier I hope.... Well a bummer of a day, but hopefully things will begin to turn around soon.... they usually do for us, I just hope it doesn't take too long this time.

New Year's Goal #2

2010-01-11T13:25:00.002-05:00

To do less, better at work. I have used work as an escape in the past. I've always (well with the exception of my first year) felt incredibly in control of my professional life and have always done as much as I can physically (if not always mentally) handle. Taking multiple classes, teaching at the college level, signing up for extra committees, working on curriculum, and serving as a mentor for both current and pre-service teachers. And I've done well with all those things, but I've been unable to throw all of me into all of those things.... for obvious reasons- there's only so much time and energy.

So my new year's goal #2 is to focus on a couple things that are really important to me, and to do those well. Quality, not quantity. I will continue being my grade span rep for the ELA committee, I will continue to help current and preservice teachers, and I will continue to be an active part of our PLC team(s). I will also make a commitment to be out of school by 4:00 at the latest at least 3 days a week. (By 3:30 on Fridays). My priorities have shifted in a big way now and I will no longer use school as my escape. I have everything I could ever want here at home, and I intend to enjoy my husband and daughter as much as I can. They are far more important in the long run than any committee I will ever serve on.

New Year's Goal #1

2010-01-01T21:40:00.004-05:00

Last Wednesday was 6 weeks for Miss G so time for my 6 week post-partum check. I was nervous... who likes going to the doctor for an internal and to be weighed... not me but it had to be done. DH refused to be intimate (and it had already been since my birthday at the beginning of October!!) until we got the all clear from the doc due to my episiotomy and the stitches. First of all, baby G was an ANGEL during the appointment.... didn't even make a peep. That girl comes through when you really need her.

The good news is that everything was healing great and I was cleared to be off pelvic rest and back to my normal activities. Also the other good news was that I have lost all but 7lbs of the baby weight!! Honestly, I'd have been happy with having lost half especially with all the treats I had over the holidays but nope, 32lbs down 7 to go!! But I am not stopping there... I'd like to be about 10 lbs less than my pp weight and I figure if I keep nursing her and start to eat sensibly (read less holiday cookies and egg nog) then it should be a breeze!! Poor DH, once I got cleared for exercise he and I were going to have a biggest looser competition between the two of us, but it looks like I got more of a head start than either of us were thinking!

SO If I lost 32 lbs in 6 weeks... I am hoping that in 6 more I can be at least halfway to my new goal... so 9 more lbs. That's when I have to go back to work and that would feel AWESOME! New Year's Goal #1!

WOW 6 weeks already!?

2009-12-29T15:46:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, I have not had my hands free much lately. Fortunately I have just discovered the amazingness of the Baby Bjorn and can now do many of the things I've been neglecting over the last 6 weeks.

6 weeks- seriously? Time has taken on an entirely new dimension for me. Nights last forever, and days are gone in a blink, next thing you know your baby is ready for daycare even though you're not. Fortunately though my Christmas present came 3 days early and I found out that I can afford to stay home for 12 full weeks... that puts me at February break so I get a bonus 13th week. Honestly, I cannot imagine sending her to daycare tomorrow. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes.... they may think she's old enough, but I certainly do not. (Will I EVER think she's old enough to be without me? Doubtful).

I am going to get better at updates.... I am finally beginning to feel human again (although the lack of sleep is taking its toll). Hopefully I will begin to blend my new mommy jobs with my old likes and responsibilities and continue making my way through this new journey.

She's HERE!!

2009-11-22T20:08:00.004-05:00

On November 18, 2009 my baby girl G entered the world.

Here's how it happened...
At 1:00 that morning I started having regular contractions every 6 minutes. I watched the clock for 3 hours and then took a bath... At 4:00 I woke up DH and asked him "are you ready to have our baby today??" He chuckled in his sleep then turned over and said "REALLY?!" I told him I didn't know but I thought I was in labor. We called the Dr. and she said to head to the hospital within the hour. DH decided that he needed a haircut before we left. So there we were at 4:30 am I am contracting while trying to pack (hello not due for 3 days why would we be ready- Dr had told me the day before I'd be going until the first week of Dec.) and DH was giving himself a haircut in the bathroom. It was quite the sight I am sure. He kept coming out of the bathroom with a big grin on his face and saying "our little baby is coming!!"

It was always my plan to take MY car to the hospital. For one thing my husband drives a Jeep and it has a lift kit on it. I cannot get into the Jeep easily on the best of days, let alone pregnant, and let alone in labor but nonetheless he insisted. I got into the Jeep and let me tell you, every bump made a stronger contraction come on. NOT fun! We finally go to the hospital just before 5 and were ready for business.... or so we thought.

They checked me and I was not dialated or effaced at all. High and closed they called me. They told me to walk around the hospital and get checked again in 2 hours because maybe things were starting. 2 hours later, nothing. I was in so much pain however they would not let me go home and instead found a room for me to sleep the day away in so they could observe me and figure out what to do. At 4:00 FINALLY I was dilated to 4 cm and they moved me back to Labor and Delivery.

Took a nice tubby in the jacuzzi at 5:30 and when I got out at 6:00 they told me I was 8 cm. Things were moving fast! DH took a break to get some dinner and my mom came to spend the next few minutes with me. That didn't last long. At 7:00 they said I was 9+ and to get ready to push!!! My mother RAN from the delivery room to get DH and we were off!!

Almost 2 hours of pushing and 1 episiotomy later, my baby girl was born. I was so convinced she was a boy, when DH announced we had a girl, I had to look. They wouldn't let me have her right away, the cord had been around her neck and they were concerned about her heart rate (that's why the episotomy). I sent DH over to watch her while I got stitched up and finished business and I looked over at them and she had his finger gripped in her little fist. He was in love. He did come back and let me know what was happening and it was scary, they called NICU down to look at her but they were not telling us why. FINALLY they all deemed her fine and I was able to hold her. AMAZING. She is absolutely PEFRECT. I know everyone thinks their own baby is perfect, but she really is. We had to pick a name quickly since we hadn't really committed to one for a girl and we agreed right away.

It was a long and painful day at the hospital but my baby girl arrived by natural birth and I could not be happier.

Now the trick is getting it out!

2009-11-17T20:23:00.002-05:00

We worked so hard to get our little one created. We've been nothing but grateful and thrilled the last 35 weeks.... but now it's time for the little one to come out. Turns out my attention span is just about 34 weeks and then I start getting impatient, and uncomfortable.

Went to my 39 week appointment today and the Dr says I am still all closed up. While I know that things could change at any moment and baby G could come tonight even, I was extremely disappointed. I cried through most of the appointment because I've been having contractions for the last 24 hours and am still all closed up. Due date in 4 days, hormones raging, belly tight, thank GOD DH has patience and nothing but hugs for me right now. I feel like a whale and the end seems pretty far away still. The Dr said, "Be sure to make an appointment for next week, and two for the week after, then we will talk induction." Looks like LO is still 3 weeks away. :-/

Friday the FABULOUS 13th!

2009-11-13T16:30:00.002-05:00

Exactly 8 months ago today I took my first positive pregnancy test. I waited that morning until DH left, peed on the stick in anger because I hadn't had a period in a long time and low and behold it said "Pregnant."

I cried all the way to work, waiting until my Dr.'s office opened. Calling from the bathroom of my classroom I got an appointment for 4:00 that afternoon. I shook all morning... and it was pajama day for my class. We had a big breakfast feast in the cafeteria and everyone was in jovial moods, I couldn't even handle it. I excused myself halfway through the breakfast to call DH from the supply closet.

Spent the whole day on pins and needles, crying each time I was alone not even able to believe my luck. Got to the Dr.'s at 4:00 peed on their stick and it came out negative. Their response "you're probably having a miscarriage..." Tears for a VERY different reason. They did refer me to the hospital for a blood draw and told me to go again Sunday and we'd see if my HCG levels were increasing.

DH and I spent the entire weekend worrying and trying to comfort each other. Monday came, waiting for my HCG results while DH was in a colonoscopy (yeah it was a really crazy time of year for us). Got the call while he was under that my levels were doubling so I asked if I could get excited and the nurses response "I guess so..." I quit that Dr. the next day.

Now it's been 8 months, we are 8 days away from our due date and I am just in awe about how things are so very different for us now. 8 days from our due date... don't you think it'd be poetic to go into labor tonight? Took a 1+mile walk today at school with the kiddos (not my choice, we were in a parade that was MUCH longer than anticipated)... Hopefully this gets things moving! :-) 13 is a scary number for many people, it's our family's lucky number!!

DH's Compliments

2009-11-07T17:50:00.002-05:00

To follow up my whiny post and to prove that I really haven't had a hard time, just the last week or so has been tough I will tell you about what happened Wednesday night...

we have people calling EVERY night to see how we're doing and if the baby has arrived yet... it is nice but getting to be annoying. I am having DH field most of the calls at this point and he's doing it with enthusiasm. Well, one of his good pals called the other night asking about how we were doing and how it was all going. DH was in our room while I was working in the nursery... he had no idea I could hear him. He was telling our pal about my swollen ankles and how I've been more teary than usual. The friend said something to which DH replied "you know, she's been a real trooper through this pregnancy. T usually has a hard time with medical stuff but she gets shots on her own now and she has been really good emotionally. I am really proud of her." At that point I burst into tears, but it was nice to know DH is proud of me and that he's impressed with how well I've been doing.

I have to say I am equally impressed with him. I have gone through a lot of changes physically and emotionally and he's been amazing support through it all. Every time he looks at me and smiles I am just overcome with emotion. I know we still have 2 weeks to go (possibly 3 1/2) but right now I am so glad to have him as my support and couldn't have asked for a better 9 months... now if only it could be over, we're ready for the next part!!!

swollen

2009-11-07T17:41:00.002-05:00

Yup that's what I am.... Swollen.

I really didn't think that my ankles could look like that. They actually have a roll of fluid between my ankle and my foot. NOT attractive. I have been beyond blessed with this pregnancy and only had some minor morning sickness at the beginning but I have to say, this last week has been really tough. I am swelling in my feet and hands (and truth be told, my face a little bit too). I am getting overly emotional thanks to the newest batch of hormones. I know we only have about 14 days to go (that's until due date.... 24 until they will induce me). It is just so painful to walk by the end of the day, and the doctor says to elevate my feet, but when I do, it just makes it worse to stand up after.

My emotions are also getting to be more off the wall lately. I have a fear of going out at night without DH. I don't even want to run errands around town without him right now because "What if something happened..." The poor guy just wanted to go help his dad get his roof done today and I cried because I was afraid of being left alone all day. (For the record, I got it together and he went by himself, I was fine all day but we agreed that for the next couple of weeks he could be home as much as possible).

I have enjoyed this pregnancy, but I am looking forward to having my body back, mind back, and emotions back, not to mention my ankles specifically.

Sewage and Swelling

2009-11-05T21:44:00.002-05:00

Seriously, that's what we're dealing with tonight. The two are not connected except for the fact that they are equally annoying and making us incredibly grumpy. DH is dealing with the sewage, I am dealing with the swelling.

So tonight we went out to work on our Christmas shopping some more.... trying to get it all done before LO arrives. My feet were incredibly sore and swollen but we have so few opportunities left for just us to go out and about, I was trying to deal. When it hurt to the point of tears though I finally spoke up and we came home. We showered, and all of a sudden everything stopped draining.... not only that but it all started getting pushed back into the house. Yea... turns out our septic system is full. So DH (just after our shower) went out and was up to his elbows in sewage trying to figure out if there was a clog or if the septic is full.

It has not been a fun night here at our house... and now looks like we have a $300 bill to pump our sewer this week. (This on top of the $133 ticket I got the other day for not being inspected). LO isn't even here and we're broke!!! What a way to begin the weekend.

Should've tried for perfect attendance...

2009-11-03T20:32:00.002-05:00

I decided to take today off to go to my dentist and doctor's appointments and to rest my feet a little bit... who knew it would kick me so hard in the butt?!

Got a call from Dentist first thing asking if I could come later because the person before me was running late... I couldn't because I had my weekly OB appointment right after. They were not impressed by my reluctance to be accomidating but they let me keep my appointment anyway. So I get through that and head to the OB where I was supposed to get H1N1 vaccine. Well Dr and I both forgot about it and I didn't realize until on my way home...
As I was being pulled over by the police for not having my car inspected. Yeah, so I've been pulled over a good 10 times in the last 13 years (since I've had my license) for speeding and not one ticket. 2 weeks before I am due and I get pulled over and given a $133 ticket for not being inspected. AUGHHHHHH

Next went to see DH at his work, he offered to take me to lunch. Halfway there he realizes, he doesn't have his wallet. Not a HUGE deal but it would have been nice to be treated to lunch instead of treating him. Then off to get my car inspected (now this was the time of the day I was supposed to be resting my swollen feet mind you) and they failed my car for my license plate light being out.

SERIOUSLY?! They would replace it but it was near $20 and DH could do it at home tonight for $2. So they told me I could pay and if I brought it back fine tomorrow they'd pass my car. I went to pay and their credit card machine was down. I said I'd write a check but what did I Find? An empty checkbook of course and who carries cash?! I burst into tears because I was simply at the end of my rope.

By the time I got home the dishwasher repair guy was there waiting to tell me my dishwasher is a piece of junk. AUGHHH It was just the longest day ever and nothing went as I had planned. I KNEW I should have tried for perfect attendance at work this semester.

Holy Crap It's November

2009-11-01T20:32:00.002-05:00

Yup. Going to have a baby this month. Yup. That is both amazingly wonderful, and frightening. We are so excited but it's just so hard to believe it's here. Yes, I know, we could go over due but if we do then our induction date will be either November 30th or December 1 so pretty much guaranteed a November baby.

We are so looking forward to Goober making his or her appearance but at the same time we are appreciating every moment of just the two of us that we have. (Well except this moment because we are vegging right now.... although that's enjoyable at the same time.) Things are pretty much ready for baby... just a few finishing touches to put on the nursery. I am sure we will be as ready as we can be. Like I said, the next couple of weeks we are really focusing on us as a couple and enjoying this special time before things change (in a wonderful way... but change nonetheless). AUGHHHH We're having a baby THIS MONTH!!! It's all still so amazing to me.

Old College Try

2009-10-24T19:30:00.002-04:00

That's what I am giving this nesting thing. As I posted yesterday, it is still not instinctual- I could care less if there is a pile of magazines next to the bed dated months ago. But for the health of my marriage I have decided to fake it until it kicks in. So far it has gotten me clean walls and a sore back. DH was so impressed when he came home this morning (after being called into work) and found me naked cleaning the tub and walls. (I know perhaps TMI but that's how he found me in all my pregnant cleaning glory). He was impressed and he thinks I am finally on board with getting the house in order, I am really mostly on board with not arguing about it anymore. Where is this nesting instinct?! I hope it gets delivered Monday with the crib!

Nesting (or not)

2009-10-23T21:01:00.002-04:00

I just cannot get on board with the whole nesting thing. Don't get me wrong, I want to set up the Goober's room but I have to wait until DH is done with the rugs (hopefully tomorrow) and we pick up the furniture (Monday night). But other than wanting to set up the physical room, I have no desire to nest at all. DH on the other hand is going crazy. He is cleaning rugs, scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen nightly... it's crazy. I cannot keep up with him. As I type he is on an organizing fit and I have opted out. My ankles are the size of grapefruits and I am wiped out. I know he's annoyed that my nesting has not kicked in yet with only 29 days to go (HOLY COW!) But I think he got the nesting for the both of us. I do hope that it kicks in before Goober arrives or else I will be sadly under prepared!

EXHAUSTED

2009-10-22T20:29:00.002-04:00

Yup, that's how I am feeling. This school year we've had very few five day work weeks due to in service, half days and holidays. Well this week is one of them. AND it was parent teacher conferences to boot. I am WIPED OUT! The one night I had nothing planned DH decided we NEEDED to go shopping. I am usually not impressed when he is on call on the weekends but I have to say, I am glad about it this weekend. We will HAVE to stay home or really close to home so he can deal with work stuff. I hope it's not too busy so it doesn't ruin his mood, but I am relieved to be spending a quiet weekend with Netflix, and DH. Ahhhhhh just what I need! Maybe it will even rain so I won't feel like I need to go out and do yard work... just to have permission to hibernate and veg.

We made it!

2009-10-17T11:32:00.003-04:00

35/35 the doctor says she won't stop the baby from coming now AND It will be perfectly fine (well as much as she can guarantee that). She said if Goober arrives today he may have to spend a few days extra in the hospital but all systems are developed and a go. Amazing when a year ago we were feeling so hopeless... and here comes our baby.

Now my family and friends have been beyond supportive but this week they all decided it was fine to tell me all the tragedies happening with babies. Apparently 3 babies have passed due to sleeping with the parents (we are NOT having the baby sleep in our bed... our room, yes, but not our bed) and another baby who ended up in front of a train but miraculously survived. Now DH and I do not have TV for many reasons, but scary news and my anxiety are two of those reasons- I just cannot believe how EVERYONE feels the need to call and tell us about all these infant deaths and near deaths.

Oh well, I am sure they are just being *helpful* but I gotta say- stop helping in this way!!

All I want for my birthday is...

2009-10-04T19:43:00.003-04:00

my ankles back!

Yes my ankles, which I've always thought were sexy, have disappeared somewhere between my foot and calf. It's very sad. They have gotten progressively worse since I've gone back to school and now they even hurt at night. It's very sad and distressing.

I have an appointment with my Dr. this week and my biggest fear is that she is going to tell me to slow down. I hear her, and I know I need to take care of myself and baby but the thing is... I don't want to lose my edge at school. I have always been the consummate professional, being on committees, staying late, coming early, working on my professional development. I know people at school understand that I am pregnant but I don't see why that should interfere with what I can do. As it is, my new boss has passed me over for opportunities I believe I was qualified for... conferences to attend, positions on committees...

If my doctor says the swelling is an issue then I will be forced to sit back and relax (let's just pray for no bed rest)... and that is simply not in my nature. I will do whatever is best for the baby's health and my own, but it is hard to see professional opportunities slipping away. Everyone says priorities will change once the baby comes... but right now I feel like I can still be an excellent teacher and professional and it sucks that other people are making the choice that my priorities are shifting and not myself.

So, all I want for my birthday (which was Friday) is my ankles back. So far it hasn't happened, but I keep hoping the cute ankle fairy will come back and bless me.

Is that an inhaler for the baby?

2009-10-04T19:25:00.002-04:00

(and other adventures from my baby shower)
My sister threw me a baby shower this weekend. It was supposed to be a surprise but I found out about it a few weeks in advance. I let her think it was a surprise though up until the day before... I didn't want her suspicious about why I knew to be dressed up and have my hair done!

ANYWAY she got me to the shower and I was surprised to see who all was there. It was a wonderful mix of people from all stages of my life who have cheered me on in some way. It was overwhelming with all the people and the hormones but we had a good time.

My husband's cousin has 3 children and she was a terrific support to us when we were told no kiddos naturally. She and her three kids came and they were promptly assigned to gift duty. Well as with any shower, the gifts took up most of the time and we got to the last couple (from my mother). She got us a breast pump. I opened it up and the 13 year old looks at it and says "Oh is that an inhaler for the baby?" I just turned to her mother and said "you can take this one" but no, her 9 year old sister explained "that's so T can get milk for her baby." :-)

All in all the day was a huge success, my ankles were also huge by the end of it. Oh and I learned my belly is only about 3" smaller around than my husband's thanks to a game they played. I couldn't believe the generosity of my friends and family. As those kids said "this baby is so spoiled!" and it's true.

We really only need to get the car seat, and one of our attendants was really upset that she didn't realize we needed it. Honestly, with the gift cards and everything, we are beyond all set. Now we just need to put the nursery together, (we have all the pieces, just need to do it) and then we will be ready for baby!! Only 6w6d to go if the baby comes on time.... which that piece I am a little worried about.... see next post.

What Comes Next....

2009-09-13T17:21:00.003-04:00

That's what DH asked me last night. We're just sitting around getting ready to watch a DVD and he turns to me and asks "what comes next?" I replied "bed." but unfortunately his question was not so basic. He wanted to know what our next big life step is...

He shared that since we've been together I've always had a plan for where we are going. Having a baby was the last thing in my big plan... but he wants to know what's next. I simply do not know. I feel like I am finally seeing the finish line at the end of my marathon and am ready to live. Job I enjoy (check), Master's Degree (check), Home (check), Baby (almost check), contented feeling (check). I am ready to relax and stop the crazy planning that has been my entire life. He is just getting on board and enjoying the planning and goal setting....

I do so love him, but I need a few moments to celebrate coming to the end of so many of my goals... Perhaps the next goal can be his, he can find a job he enjoys, or work towards his next degree... I don't know. All I know is that for 2010 my only goal is to enjoy the hard work and luck we've had over the last couple of years and appreciate my little family. That's what's next for me.... oh after bed that is!

Catching Up

2009-09-12T20:48:00.002-04:00

Phew! It seems it doesn't matter that I have cut back on my after school obligations this year, I still have no time to do anything for myself! Maybe it's just that I manage to fill up my time with whatever obligations I am still committed to, or perhaps it is the dreaded 3rd trimester that has me exhausted and unable to function in the evenings. I think it's the latter because since school has begun DH has kicked my butt in cribbage on a regular basis when before, he couldn't touch me!

Not a whole lot is going on (which is why I am amazed I do not have more free time!) Busy with work, the nursery is coming together, I am starting to feel very pregnant, and although I have not started nesting yet, I am trying to keep up with DH who is heck bent on getting the house in shape TODAY. I am going to commit to blogging 3 times a week for the rest of September and October. I am going to go so far as to setting a reminder on my calendar. I miss the writing and I think it's important.... I hope it won't be cheating if I start another post right after this one :-)

My Teacher's Having a Baby

2009-09-04T16:00:00.000-04:00

I told my first graders on Tuesday that I am pregnant. For one thing it was obvious and for another many of them already knew (how they knew is beyond me but whatever). Then the e-mails and phone calls started. Actually the questions began at 7:30am on the first day when the first parent walked into my room and exclaimed "YOU"RE PREGNANT?!" The parents are concerned about how much leave I may take (I haven't even decided how much leave I am going to take), who the sub will be, and what that will mean for their child.

Two kids were swapped out of my class the week before school began becuase their parents didn't want them to have to deal with a sub for 12 weeks and another parent has been in contact with both myself and my principal this week wondering if I am the "best fit" to work with their child. I had their child two years ago and I was the best fit then, in fact they threw a fit when they couldn't have me the second year. It's not like pregnancy is catchy. If it was I never would have had to start this blog in the first place.

I am discouraged by the lack of support by the community. I am usually one of the most requested teachers and when I got moved from K-1 this year I had a couple of parents from my K class who were upset about it. It just feels frustrating and combined with the involuntary move to first grade, I have spent the week emotionally exhausted and crying in the bathroom during my breaks. I know it will get better, and once the parents understand that I will find the best possible long term sub for their child, and that I WILL be back in February, and when I am there I will be there 100% as always, I think things will go more smoothly. It was just a trying week and I was surprised at how upset people were that I was pregnant as opposed to being happy for us...

The kids however are beyond excited and are enjoying guessing if it will be a girl baby or boy baby. One of my kids came in this morning and saw me and said "Gee Mrs. G your baby is getting bigger by the minute!" Yesterday one of the kids asked "I just have to know, does it tickle when the baby moves?" or the kid who said "So like, you're going to be a mom?" It's little things like that which make me smile, I just wish the parents would be a little more on board, or at least not anti maternity leave.

First week complete

2009-09-03T18:07:00.002-04:00

I made it. Barely, but I made it. This week we had school T, W, Th and although you may be thinking "3 days, piece of cake" there was no cake anywhere at school and I was wiped out every night. The first night I fell asleep in the bathtub (at 6:00). DH woke me up, I had a bowl of cereal and went to bed. Wednesday I made it until 8 and last night until 9 but that was because I was riding the high of my new couch!

I am physically exhausted, my belly has popped, and mentally I am wiped clean. I do have to say that I am actually glad I am in first grade right now because the first three days were far less physically demanding then they would have been in kindergarten. Seriously, I would have needed DH to pick me up after school if it was like a normal year. PHEW Glad it's over and looking forward to a 4 day weekend. Will be ready to go with a 4 day work week next week. :-)

A Kittly Miracle

2009-08-29T07:14:00.001-04:00

Anyone who knows me irl knows who Gus is. Gus (MY Gus) is this an amazing cat. I adopted My Gus in the summer of 2004 and he is hands down the best feline ever. (sorry cat lovers but it's true). Gus was 15+pounds, with a crumpled ear that oozed attitude, but pick that fat cat up and he melted in your arms. The people at the shelter called him the "fat drunk woman" because when you picked him up, he'd put his paws on your shoulders and nuzzle you. He lived at the shelter for 10 months before he and I met... I still have no idea how no one took him before that. My luck, their folly. He was meant to be a part of my life. I never had any issues with Gus at all, he was the most gentle sould I've ever met. Gus was what I always imagined a cat would be.

Last August (2008) Gus got out of our house. We were not watching the door properly and he escaped. It had happened before and he'd always stayed right in the yard so we didn't panic right away but going out a few minutes later to catch him, yeilded no cat. NO worries we said, we walked around the neighborhood calling for him, looking for him. Still no Gus. Ok, not to panic- he's microchipped. We posted signs, called the police, shelters and vets. Gus would turn up. Someone would see him, pick him up and know he wasn't a stray. Our fear was they'd keep him. For 5 months we kept up the search for Gus. We kept all of his stuff, and everytime we were out side we looked for him and called for him. I can't tell you how many kitties with bushy tails we chased hoping it could be him. But no.

In March we found a place in our hearts for two new kitties. (I believe I've posted them here before) But they just were not the same as Gus. I love them, but they're no Gus. 2 weeks ago DH called me at work all in a panic. "Go to the shelter website- I think it's Gus." And lo and behold there was a gray cat with a crumpled ear. I spent the next several hours trying to get in touch with someone there and to find out if it was our cat. If it was, the cat had walked a 50+ mile adventure to the family that surrendered him. I knew it was not possible but that doesn't mean I didn't hope. Finally the call came back, no microchip, short haired cat, not Gus. I'd be lying if I said we didn't cry that night.

Last night my parents came over. Mom ordered us a pizza from up the street and we went to pick it up while the boys worked on the Jeep. As we turned to leave the store we looked out the glass door and GUS was standing right there. I went outside, said "Gus" and he was up in my arms. No mistaking him, it was MY Gus Gus. We asked the store owner and he told us that was his "Guide Kitty." No it's not, it was Gus. I put him down on the ground (couldn't have them thinking I would just steal him) but he followed us to the car. (At which point I DID help him in) The store is less than 1/4 mile away from us and I figured if DH had moved on from Gus, he could wander back up there....

We got out of the car, I showed DH, he scooped Gus out of my arms, and put him in the house with a firm "he's staying, he's family" and tears in his eyes. Gus is not in good shape. He weighs less than our pomeranian at this point. My once fat boy is nothing but fur and bones. His skin is in terrible condition and he doesn't have the sparkle in his eyes he once did. But it's him. Penelope knew it right away, and he's fit right back into the house (all 12 hours he's been back). I went shopping last night to get all his favorite foods and toys crying the whole time. I am beyond glad he's back and as DH and I went off to sleep last night that was the last thing he said to me "It's a miracle that Gus is home, I am so happy."

All I wished for this year was "Better Days" but it's turned out to be so much more than I ever could have hoped for in many ways. YAY FOR GUS!

Back to school!

2009-08-28T09:56:00.002-04:00

Teachers went back this week. It was busy but nice at the same time to be doing something. I have enjoyed each day of doing nothing that I have taken for myself this last month but it was nice to be getting back into the swing of things. (It helped that lots of my pretty new budget stuff was in!)

I just forget each year how draining it is to make the transition back to school. It's no secret that I am having an exceptionally hard time with it this year... new teaching assignment, newly restructured district, new administration, new team to be working on, and all while my home life is changing to add a baby. School is usually my constant and this year it's been all up in the air. Luckily I have wonderful friends and coworkers who are supporting me through it, but each day is work to get through with my positive attitude in tact.

I am trying so hard to be the positive sunny teacher I've always been but am struggling. The class I have coming in is challenging, I worked with many of these children last year. I am teaching on a team who has philosophically different views about teaching and learning than I do, and they are vocal. (For example they are the only team in the district who refuses to take on any new initiatives) I am frightened, going into our new district merger, that I will be lumped in with them as a hold out, whiner, and PITA. My administration tells me they understand that this was an involuntary move for me and that they know who I am as a teacher and professional, but I am still beyond stressed that people see I am part of that team.

There is also the small matter of my maternity leave. Unfortunately is is prohibiting me from taking on the leadership roles I was set up to take this year. Although I am right now living for my maternity leave (only 3 months of this challenging class) I am frustrated that my hands feel tied professionally. I am unable to take on the committees and teams I would normally be a part of because of my (hopefully 12 week) absence.

I may only teach first grade but I know when you add up all those things together, you get a hormonal mess of tears each night at home (and once at school this week) and a woman who is having a hard time finding her feet (not because my belly is so big either) as a teacher, mother to be and wife. I hope all the new school stuff settles down and I can adjust but either way, 3 months until the Goober is born!! I can do anything for 3 months.... right?

DH Vent

2009-08-23T00:13:00.003-04:00

For the record let me state that I love my DH more than anything. He is wonderful to me, he is the one I am meant to spend my life with. That being said I have a vent... (loooong)

Today was planned to be our get work done around the house day. We had friends and family volunteer to come and help us, it was going to be a major step forward in being ready for the baby. The boys were going to cut down the trees in the yard while the girls and I worked on the nursery....

Well 10:30 rolled around when everyone was supposed to be here, and no one was here. 11:00 rolled around and I went out to get ice. Got back at 11:15 and everyone was there drinking beer in my kitchen. I scooted them out and was waiting for the girls to show up. 12:15 the girls and DH's best friend who was supposed to be in charge of this endeavor show up just as the rest of the crew is leaving. It's muggy, I get that, I am not saying work in the mugginess but there is plenty else you can do around my house- how about finishing the bathroom that has been in progress for 19 months?!

Well the girls and I go up and get started while the boys announce they will go fix the jeep. We finish the entire first coat and I decide to text the guys to see where they are... they are sitting in the driveway drinking and smoking cigars. Now I know he doesn't see his best friend often enough and his best friend is going to Afghanistan soon for his 3rd depolyment. I get they are tryign to spend as much time together as possible but really.... while we are working you are sitting in the driveway fooling around?

We need to go get paint so GF(DH's BFF's GF) and I go to Home Depot. While out the boys keep calling making requests- pick up a video game, grab such and such for dinner. We do this, and come home to the two of them halfway through a bottle of Sambuca.

We go to finish the second coat of paint in the nursery while they go start the bonfire. To their credit they stacked the wood and got the fire going quite impressively. I came out and the two of them continued drinking quite heavily. They were dunk at this point. DH and I have been together 5 years and I have NEVER seen him drunk like this. Buzzed yes, drunk no. Well the night is wrapping up, and the two of them ask to have some chatty time to themselves so GF and I go into the house to pack up their things and leave the boys alone. 15 minutes pass, I look out the back window. BFF looks like he's hunched over puking. We decide to leave them. 10 more minutes pass and we go out. MY DH is puking. At first I thought he was giving me a hard time, but no, he was getting sick to his stomach.

The two of them were totally bombed, BFF fell out of his lawn chair necessitating GF to pick him up. DH goes into the house to shower all the PUKE off him. I start to put the fire out. Well being 7 months pregnant BFF decides I can't do that by myself and HE will take the hose from me and put out the fire.... and ME along with it. He thought it was hillarious to spray me with the hose and I finally went and turned off the water since we were not getting the job done anyhow. He and GF go after trying to get him in the car SEVERAL times. I put out the fire and go into the house to check on DH...

He is passed out on the bathroom floor. Now as I mentioned; 7 months pregnant, 280 pound husband who is drunk and beligerant, it is midnight after I got up at 5 AM and haven't had a moment to sit (or nearly enough to eat). Do you think this is a good situation?! Oh and did I mention that he's ON CALL tonight?! Yeah, the phone rang just after he passed out for the SECOND time and I had to wake him up. NOT COOL.

So here I am setting up to sleep on the couch because he can't go upstairs, he took out my AC and put it in the nursery while we painted so our bedroom is unbearable, and I need to be near the phones incase he gets more on call calls. I am hoping that tomorrow DH wakes up and is doing better.... but I have a feeling I am in for the hangover of a lifetime.

Countdowns...

2009-08-17T20:01:00.002-04:00

95 days until baby....

1 week before school starts.....

and today I was reassigned to teach a different grade. I knew it was coming but I kept holding out hope that enough K kids would sign up or that my new principal wouldn't want to do staffing changes on his first day, but nope...

I spent the day sweating in my classroom trying to get things in order. A few people came by to help me move furniture which was helpful but it is the mental shift I am dealing with. Most of the day was spent in tears and sweat but I am adjusting now. I am not good when things do not go according to my plan. Ask my husband. If he tells me dinner is at 6:00 and he comes home with the idea that we will run errands and eat a late dinner, I have a hard time dealing. Imagine my issues when it comes to changing grade levels at the last minute. It will be fine, but the mental shift is draining.

I was actually ready to go to bed at 6 tonight but DH had changed the plans and invited some of our friends over for dinner. It's been all I can take to get to this point and now, I am going to enjoy a Klondkie bar and watch I Love You Man! With Paul Rudd. I hope this takes my mind off of things. It also helps that the AC is working at our house. Now I am only upset about change, no longer sweaty or tearful. Tomorrow I will be ready to be positive about this change in grade level. (Just think- they will be somewhat independent, they already know me and my routines, etc.)

School Next Year

2009-08-08T19:32:00.000-04:00

About a month ago we all received an e-mail from our principal giving us the current budget update. The e-mail was positive overall until the last line which said something to the effect of: "I was questioned about how many kindergartens we had. I think that it will be ok for now, but I thought it best to let you all know." I teach kindergarten. I am still (after 5 years) the newest teacher in my building. That was my position they were discussing at the meeting. When we left for summer break we each had 12 students on our list. That's low but do you know how much I can teach 12 kids?! And compared to the fact that I had 19 last year, no help, and 13 of those 19 were boys. Man I could do some real work with 12 kids and get them on a solid path....

I of course went to speak with my boss who assured me that *hopefully* it wouldn't come up again but if it did I may be relocated to another school. I would still have a job, but it may not be the one I want in the building I want. He told me there was a 25% chance of that. Since then the percentage chances have gone up and down and last week he shared with me that he will not make the decision until the end of August. So at 28 weeks pregnant in the heat and humidity of August I may have to pack an entire classroom and move to a completely new building with new people, expectations, routines, and rules.

Any year I'd be upset, but this year in particular I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. Now he's hoping to keep me in the building and same room but perhaps teaching another grade level. This is the year I feel I have to be the most prepared due to my maternity leave. I wanted to have the bulk of the year planned out and prepped just in case anything happened and now everything is up in the air. Luckily this has forced me to really take this week off and next week as well since I am unable to prepare for the unknown. *Hoepfully* decisions will be made in the near future.... but for now it's scary. I was thinking that perhaps this would be the first year I didn't have back to school jitters but I guess I was wrong...

So much for free time!

2009-08-07T19:27:00.003-04:00

I always have the best intentions when I have a little free time on my hands but so often, it goes by with much less getting done than I expected. I had *most* of this week off. My team at work decided they all wanted to meet on Monday, my first day off all summer so my vacation began Tuesday. The week hasn't been too exciting but that's been just what I've needed. I spent one day with a friend of mine and her children catching up. I did lunches with DH a couple of days, saw friends and family, and watched a LOT of FRIENDS DVDs. I just love that show! I

t's funny how many times I've seen them but it seems they always fit at a different part of my life. Last summer I watched the episodes with Monica and Chandler struggling with fertility and moving into adoption endlessly but couldn't watch any of Rachel's pregnancy. This summer I watched Rachel's pregnancy through new eyes, and had a much deeper appreciation for the Monica and Chandler struggles.

Next week is my last week off and then I need to go back. I am filling my last week of break with massages, medical appointments, and more lunch dates with friends and family I cannot see as much once school begins. An enjoyable vacation to be sure, just not much for free time and the stack of books sitting beside my bed!

1 year ago today...

2009-07-21T16:33:00.003-04:00

(Pregnancy mentioned)

What a different place I was in then. I had to take the day off from my summer job to go and see the RE for the first time. What a wreck I was at that appointment. They weighed me and it was 30 pounds off so that's when the tears began. DH couldn't believe I was blubbering over my weight but I felt so out of control of my body at that point and my weight was something I *thought* I had a handle on. (In regards to my weight, I just passed the weight I was a year ago when I was my heaviest (without the added 30lbs) and now I have a little Goober growing so I thought that was pretty good at 23 weeks!)

Man what a day that was. I went through the emotional wringer for sure but I couldn't have asked for better guides. My RE was SUPER. He got paged twice while in with me and just turned off his beeper and focused on my myriad of questions and concerns. DH held my hand the whole time and assured me we'd get through this. Pregnancy seemed like a lost dream at that point in my life, and here I am, 1 week from the baby getting to the point of viability. It just seems like so much has happened in this year.

When I realized the date today I had a small meltdown. Then I thought to myself, it's all working out, why get upset, each minute, day, week, that goes by, this baby is getting bigger and stronger, and harryier (the heartburn is a killer). I finally let DH purchase a stroller. This was our first major baby purchase and it felt so nice to receive it, but scary at the same time. I do keep waiting for this dream to come to an end... I am working on the fact that it's OK to think that everything will turn out right and it's OK to think that the mean doctors (who I quit) were wrong, and that I will be able to carry this baby to term and give it a wonderful, healthy and happy life.

What a difference a year makes.

Anniversary and Back To Work

2009-07-08T16:38:00.003-04:00

On July 4th we celebrated our second wedding anniversary. :-) We celebrated by getting a replica of our wedding cake (we did this last year as well), visiting family and friends, and then ending the evening with a nice romantic dinner at our favorite restaurant. It was a happy but very busy day! There are some advantages to having your anniversary on a major holiday- you always have it off, everyone you love has it off, and there are lots of opportunities for celebration. There are some downsides to it as well... everyone you know has it off and they all want a little piece of the celebration! By the end of the weekend we were exhausted and if I don't see another wedding cake until next July 4th that will be just fine! :-) It was a great day though and DH and I were able to remember our wedding day, and all the reasons we are together still. It was strengthened this year thinking about all we've come through and done togehter, and looking ahead to our Goober arriving in 4 1/2 months. Oh yeah- and our wedding anniversary was exactly halfway through our pregnancy. How's that for celebration?!

Now I am back to work though. I can't complain, I make a ton of money in a really short amount of time. I am just beyond burnt out and was needing a vacation. Only 3 more weeks of summer school though and I am taking the first two weeks in August for just me. Usually DH will take a week off but not this year, he's saving up for the fall when I'll need him around. I appreciate that but I do wish we could have one last hurrah of just the two of us this summer. Working on making a long weekend of something.... maybe NYC or Boston. He wants to go to D.C. but by the time we get down there after work on a Friday it would be 2am and then to leave first thing Sunday morning.... sounds like a vacation in the car... and my car is not made for vacationing in! I am sure we will work it out. I am using my hotwire magic to see what deals pop up over the next few weekends.

Anyway, long story short, things have been insanely busy, we celebrated our anniversary, I am back to work, looking for a weekend get away, and am commiting myself to catching up on reading all the blogs I've missed over the last couple of weeks since I have Friday off. Hope all is well with you!

Hooray For Dishwashers!

2009-06-29T19:57:00.002-04:00

I fully appreciated the wonder that is a dishwasher today. Washing dishes is a chore that I don't really mind doing. It's just DH and I so we don't create a lot of dishes, and it feels productive and makes my hands all nice and clean. It's a nice quiet way to wrap up the day and I really don't mind it

Today however I found a good dozen containers in DH's car that needed to be washed. They were full of weeks old pasta salad and my weak stomach couldn't handle the smell. That's when I fully appreciated my dishwasher. I could just load those stinky puppies in there and not deal with them until they were lemon fresh. Ahhhhhhhhh

Hooray for dishwashers! And just so my other favorite appliances don't feel left out, hooray for washing machines too! (I've always loved those and hope to open a laundromat when I retire from teaching... ahhhh the smell of clean laundry and dryer sheets!) :-) The rainy weather is really forcing me to entertain myself unconventionally!

Love Affair

2009-06-26T20:30:00.000-04:00

Shhhhh don't tell DH but I may be in love with two other men... Ben and Jerry. Their only issue is that they are a little cold but besides that, I really enjoy them. Seriously, what's not to love? Cherry Garcia- Good, Heath Bar Crunch (both vanilla and coffee)- Good, Half-Baked- Good, Cookie Dough- Good, Chubby Hubby- Good... I think you get the idea. Oh and I am hoping to try the new Marzipan flavor soon, just like my wedding cake. YUM.

Seriously, what flavor do they make that I do not enjoy? And enjoyment has only been cheaper this summer as my supermarket had all flavors on sale for $1.99!!! There was a limit of 4.... but how many times do I go to the grocery store in a week?! Limit 4... yeah right.

Actually I think DH has a love affair with the boys as well, he's next to me enjoying his own pint of ice cream. Mmmmmmmm Ben and Jerry.

Sunshine and Yoga

2009-06-25T11:34:00.003-04:00

The sun has made a brief but appreciated appearance today. I was able to get out of the house and take Bella for a nice long walk, something we've both been needing. I couldn't start the lawnmower but just getting outside was helpful to improving my mood this week. The forecast is for scattered thunder showers over the next 2 days then back to steady rain again. PHEW What a crappy start to the summer.

In other news I am beginning a yoga class tonight. It is a prenatal yoga class and I am hoping this is going to give me both physical and mental exercise. It's been a couple years since my last yoga class and we will see how it goes. I did warn my instructor that I am less than coordinated and she didn't seem concerned. It is a small class and we are all around the same point in our journeys... I am looking forward to connecting with other women. New and unknown things are a little intimidating to me, but I am going to try my best to be brave, friendly, and flexible!

Rain, rain go away

2009-06-24T08:31:00.002-04:00

Don't come back until I go back to work please.

I am not one of those take the summers off teachers.... I work all summer. Hopefully this will be my last summer but DH makes a good point, my summer schedule is 8-12 and amazing money so it seems foolish not to keep it up. I have one week between when school ended and when I begin my summer job and the forecast each day has been rain and thus far, the weather has lived up to the prediction. BLAH

The rainy weather has forced me to relax and read, knit and catch up on the DVR but now I am bored. There is only so much laundry, internet surfing, and going to coffee one person can handle. I want to play outside! I haven't even been able to blog much because my stinking internet isn't connecting to blogger reliably.... weird.

Anyway, I am off to settle in for another day of reading and knitting. I will appreciate this later in the summer when I am busy but for now, I want some sun so I can go out and play!!

The Religion Delima

2009-06-23T12:08:00.003-04:00

I thought I was all done worrying about religion and this baby but a whole new set of issues have cropped up. These are not the moral dilemmas I was wrestling with a few months ago about how far we'd let God handle the baby issue and how far we'd let science intervene but it is an issue at this point in our lives....

No one we know is really Catholic anymore. In our day to day world this is not an issue but raising our child in the church is something extremely important to me. Our sisters have all chosen other spiritual paths down which to walk, we have Christian friends but few Catholic friends (none of whom are particularly close). Both of our parents are but they're our parents not Godparents. People at church are nice.... but it's just not the same.

When I was growing up EVERYONE was involved with the church and that was a center of our social world. The irony is that all ended when I entered Catholic High School.... our community church played a lesser role and school served as the main focus of religion from then out.

Perhaps I am making too big a deal of this but it is important to me that our child is baptized and raised with religion. DH and I are both Catholic and I thank my stars for that because I do believe religion shapes who you become and your views. Having similar (actually it turns out we went to the same church growing up) backgrounds helps us to understand where we're coming from in some instances.... I want a strong foundation and relationship with God for our child... it just seems to be more of a challenge than we had anticipated. I know it will come together but I was sort of surprised when I looked around my little world and found very few Catholics where once there were many.

I'm FREE!!!

2009-06-19T20:29:00.002-04:00

For a week anyway!

School ended yesterday and I could not be more relieved. This has been one of the most challenging years ever. My class had its challenges but it was tough due to the personal stuff we were going through. First worrying about TTC, then DH getting sick, trying to finish up my National Board certification, and now beginning the family we have dreamed about... it's a wonder I made it some days!

I am only taking a week off this month and then going back to teach summer school. I am really excited about my summer program this year, my principal has allowed me to design a kindergarten boot camp of sorts to help at risk incoming kindergarten students. I am going to be doing lots of preschool things and hands on activities. I am really looking forward to not just the teaching of the program but to the difference it will hopefully make for these students when they enter the regular classroom.

I vowed not to go into school for the entire week and got my first week of summer school all planned and prepped. Next week I plan to see friends, get my next US (no we are not finding out the sex), get some legwork done on a business venture for DH and I, and to relax!! I have had no time to relax since February break with all that's been going on with DH and I am looking forward to it. He's doing MUCH better by the way. Healing nicely from his surgery and is no longer in the pain he had been in for so long. YEA!! Summer is shaping up... Now if the weather would just cooperate a little.... either that or I need to get flippers to walk around with. YEA for a week of freedom. :-)

The aging process

2009-06-13T20:47:00.002-04:00

I remember when I found my first gray hair. I was beyond excited. It felt like such a major milestone. I found it when I was 23 and getting ready for a date with a guy who was a few years older. I saved it and put it in my scrapbook because, like I said, it was one of those milestone moments. I made the mistake of telling the guy I was dating about it and he thought I was slightly crazy. (That's ok- fast forward, turns out he was crazy and it didn't work out)

Since Friday (yesterday folks) 3 people have remarked on the number of gray hairs upon my head. I KNOW I am going gray. I am no longer enchanted with my gray hairs, I almost wish they'd just disappear but then I'd be bald... I do think that would be worse at this point.

I never minded aging, I have usually been the youngest of my friends and it never really struck me until now when it's so plainly obvious that I am growing older. I know, there are bigger issues in life and perhaps I should spend some time focusing on them, but what if my kid's kindergarten teacher thinks I am his grandmother?!

Ex Boyfriends

2009-06-08T19:43:00.003-04:00

First of all, I am pregnant, I do not have the plague but that was how I felt thanks to the reaction I got from an ex boyfriend of mine this weekend. Now we haven't dated in gosh, 5 or 6 years but we've remained friendly. There's a long family history between us and we've always been chummy.

He found out this weekend at a BBQ that I am expecting. I ran into him at said BBQ and he acted like I didn't exist. I thought to myself, "well maybe he doesn't recognize me." But who am I kidding? Of course he does! We still talk a few times a year, get together when he's in the area, and we're facebook friends for goodness sakes. He knew exactly who I was.

Well I stewed over that for a minute and then marched right up to him and tried to start a conversation. Seriously, you'd have thought I had worms coming out my eyes the way he was inching away and looking just over my shoulder. I finally got fed up and walked off. The rest of the BBQ he avoided me when possible but his uncle (bless him) kept bringing him over to catch up. The whole thing was quite comical from my POV but I have that luxury being happily married, in a great career, and with a settled life.... Maybe it wasn't so much the Goober but more the difference in where we are. That may not matter so much on the old Facebook but when it comes to face to face... that's a whole other story entirely!

Good questions!

2009-06-08T19:36:00.003-04:00

I posted this weeked abotu graduation parties and Misfit had some interesting questions that I wanted to address...
I think they asked if I was happy (perhaps assuming I wouldn't be.... or maybe I am just assuming something not there) because some of these people were less than thrilled with some of their pregnacies.... not planned and the such. For them I think they viewed the LOs as a speed bump or a barrier to things they may have wanted... Maybe I am just being asumptuous again but that was kind of the feeling I got. They are also notoriously negative people (while I am more on the positive side of things) and I think they just assume the worst in most situations.

The question she asked me that was my favorite though was "Also, what would make that their business?" LOL I laughed so hard at this question because it seems in the last year people with even the littlest bit of information about our TTC journey have made all sorts of things their business which just isn't. Me being a rather private person (Blogging excluded) I would never ask a question of someone that I didn't want asked of me. Unfortunately the same does not apply to most of the population. So what would make it their business? In my mind, nothing (although I am happy to share our joy and just how thilled were are with everything) but in their minds, a little information gives them free reign to ask away. I find other women who have children of their own are the most brazen in their question asking and snooping.... that just seems to be with the people I know.

But good questions, you got me thinking! :-)

Weekend Update (NOT SNL and probably not funny)

2009-06-07T20:33:00.002-04:00

This weekend was full of graduation parties and the further coming out of our pregnancy. DH didn't go to many of the parties as he's still recovering from surgery but I made appearances, usually with my mother.

It was nice to catch up with old friends and to make some new ones. I know we're all grown up but I still think of these graduates as kids even though many of them can drink and they're all driving. What bothered me the most was when people would ask "was the pregnancy planned?" or "are you glad?" or worse, would say something like "Oh no, there goes the rest of your life..."

First of all I am 28 years old and married, it's not as if I am 18 and single. Of course we are glad (did you not get that when I clapped as I told you?!), of course we understand our lives will change but we are confident it will be for the better. After I got done being offended at these blase comments, I got to thinking about how sad it would be if I ever answered no to them or agreed that all my fun would be over. And how tragic (yes I do mean tragic) it is that there are some parents who feel this way...

Feel so old!

2009-06-06T19:29:00.002-04:00

This weekend is a multitude of graduation parties for children (they're 18 so can I call them children?!) I babysat for when I was younger. One family (whose I went to today) I spent quite a bit of my high school years with them and now they are going off to college. Tomorrow I am going to another grad party but this "kid" I sat for is graduating from COLLEGE! I feel like I just graduated from college then remember it was 7 years ago now. How did time go by so fast?!

I know that I've been teaching for 7 years but it just blew by! Amazing how quickly time flies. This is helping me with my "just say no" to obligations campaign and is reminding me to slow down and appreciate each day for what it is instead of wishing and waiting for the next thing.

Back to work today

2009-06-05T18:47:00.002-04:00

Went back to work today for a full day. I had taken off T, W, and only went in for a meeting Th so I could be with DH though his surgery and his recovery period. Last week I also ended up being out 3 days, one was Memorial day, one day I had to do K screening and one day I was sent to a curriculum development meeting. These last few weeks have been so busy out of the classroom and I was SO glad to be back at school today. Turns out, I SUCK at being a nurse.

This has been a really tough school year both personally and professionally and it was surprising and weird that school became my salvation today. Perhaps I needed to be reminded that I am doing the job that I was meant to do.

While I was out the sub had the kids write me letters. They were all nice but you could tell which kiddos wrote what she suggested and which ones wrote their own letters. One of my little guys wrote "I miss you. I think about you all the time. I bet you think about me too. I can't wait for you to come back." Of course I read these while their slide show was playing in the background and it was all I could do to not turn into t puddly mess!

I have to say it was a really nice day in the classroom, we got lots done and had some Friday fun to boot! Only 9 school days left and while I am looking forward to the summer, I am going to miss this class quite a bit! Now I am refreshed and back home to help DH recover and relax for the weekend.

Surgery

2009-06-04T15:55:00.002-04:00

DH had his surgery Tuesday. Stupidly I thought that meant that I'd have this whole week off to catch up on things while he recovered. Obviously I'd never been with anyone post surgery before.

The operation itself went fine. They repaired the hernia they knew about, explored the other side of his abdomen and repaired a second hernia and removed a lipoma. He was discharged a mere 3 hours later. Recovery has been a process between giving him meds on a regular basis, changing his ice packs, and trying to sneak in naps for those brief moments he was sleeping. Unfortunately he ended up being in so much pain that he hasn't slept the last two nights.

When I asked him if he can still feel that area of pain that arrived March 4 (3 months in pain!!) he says no but can feel his inscisions. *Hopefully* by the end of next week we will know if the surgery worked, no idea what our next step is if it didn't. Luckily though this seems to have been a wake-up call for DH and he has vowed to get in shape and be healthy from now on out. To his credit he's begun already requesting salads last night and tonight for dinner... Hopefully I'll have my DH back in new and improved condition soon!

Back to work!

2009-05-26T19:35:00.002-04:00

Was back at work today but it was an out of the ordinary day. It was kindergarten screening day! I had a substitute to teach my current kindergartners while I went to the library and met and tested the incoming kindergarten students. What a nice way to ease back into the work week especially with all that we have coming up. On the one hand I feel guilty not being in the classroom teaching but on the other hand it is nice to have a day that is different and fresh.

Tomorrow is actually another out of the day classroom. I am my schools representative for a curriculum development team for our new district (many changes ahead for us at school) and I get to go work with other teachers for the day and begin looking at our two districts' curricula and work out if and how we might go about merging them. Speaking of which I actually need to get to my research done on the other districts writing program so I have something intelligent to say about it! Not too shabby for a week that's short already!

(HEY I posted on a Tuesday- I guess I didn't need to do a Marvelous Monday post after all) :-)

Marvelous Monday (In leiu of Terrific Tuesday)

2009-05-25T18:04:00.002-04:00

Today was a marvelous day. Not sure what's been up this month but DH and I have had absolutely perfect weekends. Each one busy but each one happy, relaxing, enjoyable and terrific for our relationship. This afternoon coming home we just grinned at each other glad for some more wonderful time together. (I am making myself a little sick with all this happiness right now, but I can't help it!)

Today we woke up and took the dogs to the park. We enjoyed a nice breakfast of strawberry pancakes and then went to see some of my students and one of DH's friends in a parade. It was really lots of fun. It's been too many years since I've gone to a parade and I thoroughly enjoyed it. We spent the rest of the day riding around town with the top and doors off the Jeep. At 74* it doesn't get much better than that! We are now both sunburned but what a day. DH is cooking dinnre on the grill as I relax and we are both looking forward to a quick week. June 2 is DH's surgery so we've been lucky to have such great weekends this month.... June may be bringing us another story.

The pleasures of not drinking

2009-05-24T08:52:00.003-04:00

Not that I drank much before in my nonpregnant life but I have re embraced my sobriety and this may be a reclamation of a lifestyle for me.

Last night DH and I went out with another couple friends- let's call them "Frebbie". All three of them were indulging in some tasty Sake creations. I quietly sipped my water with lemon and just enjoyed the evening. They all got a little silly and I just enjoyed the evening with no worries about saying something that I'd later reconsider. I didn't miss the silly warm feeling I get, and this morning I especially didn't miss the little headache (I can't handle ANY alcohol) or the cottony mouth feeling....

Goober has been a catalyst for lifestyle changes all over the place! :-) I may still enjoy the occasional glass of wine with dinner after G is born, but margaritas currently feel like a thing of the past.

Busy May!

2009-05-22T21:24:00.001-04:00

We have had an incredibly fun and busy month this month. It was originally looking like this long weekend would be low key, around the house, yard work and the like but nope! I have always been a real home body and I can't quite believe we've been gone or out every weekend this month so far, but shockingly, I am looking forward to our adventures this weekend as well. Perhaps it is the school year winding down, or many of my responsibilities ending. Perhaps it is the re balancing and refocusing on my home life I've done. Whatever it is, I am looking forward to another busy weekend with friends!

Tonight we went to the local minor league (they are the baby Red Sox) baseball game. Tomorrow we will be going out with Dh's best friend and his girlfriend who is just wonderful. Looking forward to an evening with just the grownups. Sunday, BBQs around town and Monday seeing the nephews and yard/house work. It may not sound like much but I am looking forward to the various adventures around town. :-) (but am being careful not to over do it-no more 16 hour days) What are YOU up to this Memorial Day weekend?

Too Much Boston (pg mentioned)

2009-05-17T11:49:00.003-04:00

As you can tell I am not at the second graduation today, that is because of what happened in Boston.

The day started out extremely lovely. Nice weather, great friends, wonderful family. Everything was going great. 1st day of the 2nd trimester and it seemed everyone was right, I had a better attitude, I didn't want to throw up every 10 minutes and I had some energy! Yahoo! By 3:00 it was time to start heading to SIL's graduation (which was to begin at 6) and the reception beforehand. Turns out BU isn't so much a campus as it is a suburb of Boston and required a lot of walking. I am in pretty good shape but after wandering the streets for 4 1/2 hours prior, I was getting tired and both Goober and I were hungry.

We made it through the festivities, headed back on the T and as soon as we got to our stop, I was forced to stop. I had a sharp pain right in the baby grower. I didn't want to alarm anyone so I pulled DH aside to tell him what was up (it is 9:00 at this point in the evening and we haven't had dinner yet). We agreed to go to dinner with everyone then head home right after. There was no spotting thank God but I just sat with my feet up while we waited for our table to come available.

Finally home at about 2, still not feeling great and really crampy (but not normal growing cramps... weird cramps). Still no spotting. Slept through the night ok, woke up this morning with a dull cramp, NOTHING like last night and am now on DH and mom (my mother) imposed bed rest for the day. 14 hours on your feet in Boston plue 4 hours travel time is not really what hte doctor ordered and now I am paying hte price. Will go to the doctor tomorrow (or immediately if there is any blood) but I hope that I am just exhasuted and Goober wants me to take a time out.

To be honest, I am really scared but I don't want to be THAT patient. My mom and DH seem to think that everything will be ok if I rest and as long as there is no spotting... I will feel better when my doctor confirms that first thing in the morning.

So much for making a point about family this weekend. Now I need a plan to repair the upset that will come from my other SIL for going to one graduation and not hers.

Exhasuted by the weekend arelady!

2009-05-15T16:37:00.003-04:00

This weekend both of DH's sisters are graduating. One is graduating from graduate school and one is graduating with her nursing degree. I feel the stark differences between our two families strongly when there are major events like this...

I graduated with my master's degree a year ago. It was a big deal but NO ONE in DH's family could make the 2 hour drive to either one of my ceremonies. They sent e-mail congrats but couldn't make it. My immediate family came in addition to a grand-mother and an aunt. It was a big deal for my family and they made it really special for me.

This year with both his sister's graduating it was NO question that we'd be making the 3 hour drive to see one of them graduate tomorrow and spend all day Sunday watching the other one graduate. It's family, that's what you do. It comes out tonight that DH doesn't want to go to either graduation and he doesn't see the purpose. We are the only people besides his mother who said we'd go and support them. Not only do I feel obligated that SOMEONE cheer them on but like I said, it's FAMILY THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!!!!!

Just venting right now as DH is on his way home and I already know he's going to begin complaining about the drive tomorrow and sitting through two graduations. Grrrrr. I am determined to stay positive through the weekend and support them even though they did not support me.... I am going to set an example of how family works. I hope it's not for nothing.

Penelope versus my toes

2009-05-12T21:25:00.003-04:00

DH has long said that my toes are creepy. They are a bit off. On each foot I have 4 long toes (like fingers really) and one stubby hardly there toe (thanks mom). DH is not impressed by feet in general and steers clear of my little piggies whenever possible.

Penelope, as always, is on team DH, and tonight at dinner Penelope decided to take on my toes. We had dinner in the living room (a practice we are trying to get out of). We were finished eating but the leftovers were still on the coffee table. I had my legs crossed and one foot dangling in the air near the food. Penelope thought it was a rival and tried to attack my foot. I know she's about the same size as one of my feet and they are both at ground level but come on- do you see a mouth on them!? Penelope has not relaxed all evening near my little piggies, I am trying not to wiggle them as I do not want my new pedicure ruined. Tonight the score is Penelope 1 My toes 0 (they are running in fear). I am not sure how she's going to react when I try to go up to bed. I may have DH kennel her first.

Teacher Appreciation

2009-05-08T22:58:00.003-04:00

This week was teacher appreciation week. To all of you out there who are teachers, Happy Teacher Week! I hope you felt appreciated and enjoyed your kiddos this week.

My school PTO usually does quite a bit for teacher week. One day they cook us lunch, they usually have raffles with EXCELLENT prizes, they have some kind of snack, treat, or prize every single day. The fun never stops. This year was different- lower key but we still were celebrated in big ways. Today though, I got the best appreciation of all...

One of my students (I teach K mind you) wrote me a letter. It said "Dear Mrs. G, Thank you for being a great teacher. You are nice. Thank you for giving me the *ook in wookie. I appreciate all that you do."

In tears I thanked him, it was such a nice gesture that his parents had him write me a note. They actually wrote one of their own that also reduced me to tears (damn hormones). His parents insisted they didn't help him with his message, they only helped him spell a couple of the tricky words. Amazing.

As teachers we know (and hope) in our hearts that our work is valuable and that we are good at it, but rarely do we get recognized and thanked. I have every thank you note I've ever received from a parent (except one that my dog chewed that had been on my refrigerator for 4 years). It's so nice to know that your hours both in and outside of the classroom do not go unnoticed or unappreciated. I felt extremely appreciated this week and I hope that you all did too. With all that we deal with as women it's nice to know someone thinks we do a good job.

*The ook in wookie means when we were doing the ook chunk the other day I gave him a challenge of a work with ook in the middle- he's a HUGE Star Wars fan like my husband.

Terrific Tuesdays

2009-05-05T20:30:00.003-04:00

Yes folks, Terrific Tuesdays are back! Did ya miss it? I did!!

Today was terrific because:
There are 30 days left in the school year.
I got TONS of work done today.
DH took me out to dinner tonight for teacher appreciation week.
I had no meetings today, before or after school.
There was nothing pressing I had to deal with today... it was just a nice regular day.
(Those are MUCH appreciated in my world!)

Did YOU have a terrific Tuesday?

Surgery Appointment

2009-05-04T08:39:00.002-04:00

This morning we are going to meet with the surgeon who will be operating on my husband. His pain from the beginning of March has still not gone away so they are doing exploratory surgery when they go in to fix his hernia. I am hopeful that the surgeon will give us some direction and a plan of attack because so much of what we've been planning for the next couple of months is contingent on this operation...

It's a little selfish (OK probably a lot selfish) but I am hoping we can schedule it for the week after I get out of school which is also the week before I begin teaching summer school. It's just that I've already taken so much time off this year and we can't afford my maternity leave unpaid (or for me to miss the money I can make at summer school).... I hate to have DH in pain for an entire month still though. I guess we will see what the surgeon says in a couple more hours...

Casino Fun

2009-05-02T18:38:00.005-04:00

The part of the story DH and I agree on:
My husband runs a bus company that takes regular runs up to the casino here. It is $15 to go and they give you a free buffet and $10 in slot play plus your bus ride! Not a bad gig. Since the weather man predicted rain today we decided to see what it was about. About halfway there I realized I forgot my ID and we almost got off the bus but decided to trek on anyway figuring the worst that could happen was we'd spend the day shopping at the mall....

My version of the story:
So I had the casino's $10 in slot play and our friend Ed SWORE he knew a machine that paid out. We were hanging around in that area and the machine came open, as well as one two seats down from it. I politiely asked him if he'd like to take the winning machine and he didn't even respond so I said "I call the one on the end" and DH settled into the other machine. About 7 pulls of the handle later (just when I was quitting) I hit the jackpot. On the penny machines I won a jackpot. Just UNDER the ammount I could claim without my ID.

DH's version of the story: (and everyone else including the security lady and the video tape)
So there we were at the casino and my lovely wife and myself were waiting for a penny machine to open. The one that MY friend Ed predicted as the winner came available. I went to make a move for it when my bossy wife ran ahead of me and pushed me out of the way. Just a couple pulls later she won over a jackpot and she only offered to buy me 2 tires. That money could have all been mine and I could have had all the tires I needed for my jeep.

Either way we both agree it was a successful day at the slots. DH will get a couple of the tires he's been saving up for ($200 a piece give me a break!) and I will be able to get a pedicure and put more money into the savings account. We had a great day and came out WAY ahead of the house. :-)

Swine Flu

2009-04-29T17:57:00.003-04:00

My husband works in the transportation industry. He called me this afternoon saying I had to call him back immediately. I called on my walk down the hall from class to drama club with 31 kids following me. He said this "I have been exposed to the swine flu. Your parents said you can stay with them, we are not risking you and the baby right now." Choking back tears I hung up because as I said, 31 kids following me like little ducklings down the hallway.

After drama club I called him back to get more information because I am determined NOT to panic about this swine flu thing. Apparently one of his employees MAY have it, we are waiting for the test results. I called my doctor who promised to call right back but that was 1 hr 45 minutes ago. DH and I are now in separate rooms of the house yelling to each other as needed. I am cooking dinner and he will eat somewhere that I am not. This is crazy.

This baby was conceived after doctors told me it wouldn't happen on our own, during an economic depression, and with the threat of swine flu. If this child makes it to term, Goober is going to be the strongest little kiddo alive. It just feels like the odds are really stacked against this pregnancy right now and I am feeling discouraged.... I hope the doctor calls soon to cheer me up and say there's no threat of me getting it, in fact pregnancy makes you immune to the flu! :-)

**Update** The doctor did NOT say that being pregnant makes you immune in fact it makes you slightly more susceptible. I have been advised to stay away from my husband for 48 hours. If the tests come back negative tomorrow then I can go home, if they are positive the doctors need me to call in and I may need to be away for up to 7 days. Not to mention they've already closed a school and daycare near where I teach for the next 7 days.... my father is encouraging me to call my principal right now but I this is just suspected and 3rd hand from me.... Amazing how quickly this is all moving.

When did you swallow the watermellon seed?

2009-04-26T08:46:00.002-04:00

That was the question asked to me last night by a five year old child. That was my first experience with sex ed and made me worry what I am in for in the future!

We had a bonfire last night and among other friends, DH's best friend came over with his daughter and his gf last night. His daughter is 5 which makes us best friends since I teach kindergarten. Sometimes however I enjoy hanging out with the grownups which this child just cannot comprehend.

She was having me haul branches to the fire with her and I had just about had enough so I sat her down and said "Did daddy tell you that I am growing a baby right now? The baby needs my energy so I need to rest right now." She just shook her head no, took me by the hand (I agreed to take ONE last load) and as we walked away she asked "so when did you swallow the watermellon seed?" Ahhhhh if only it had been that simple. I didn't know what to say! When I asked her father he said that's how her real mother explains it... this is a woman who has half a dozen kids by a few different men. When DH's best friend came home from Iraq she was pregnant with another man's child... Clearly this woman is mixed up about the reproductive process! You'd think she'd just stop buying watermellons!!

What a day (PG Ment.)

2009-04-21T20:24:00.003-04:00

Today was our heartbeat appointment. The doctors estimated me at 11w1d based on my last period (NO ONE LISTENED ABOUT PCOS). So today we went to my OB to hear the heartbeat. We couldn't find it. Trying hard not to panic the doctor sent us immediately to get an ultrasound. We tried to stay calm and DH held my hand the whole way there and kept saying "well now we know we can get pregnant, we will try again as soon as they let us if things don't work out..."

We went in for the US and we saw the baby IMMEDIATELY! I am not as far along as they thought (hmmm maybe now people will listen to me about my irregular periods). I am estimated 9w3d based on length of little Goober. It was amazing to see it and to hear the heartbeat. I just cried and cried. It made it real even though I know we're not out of the woods yet. They printed two pictures for us (will post at a later time). Now we are due November 21 (looks like a turkey!!). But what a relief. My doctor even called me this afternoon to confirm that I understood everything and I will go back in a 3 more weeks to try to hear the heart again.

This whole thing has just felt so surreal and I've been waiting for someone to tell me it's a trick but today I saw it with my own eyes (I've been feeling the effects for a few weeks now) and we saw and heard the heartbeat and saw our Goober move. Although I understand that we are still in the first trimester and have a long way to go, today made it so much more real.

Emotional Health

2009-04-08T19:50:00.003-04:00

I don't think I ever honored the effect that a diagnosis of IF and PCOS had on my mental health. I am constantly amazed at just how detrimental that was to my self concept and my happiness...

Today I went to my OB and new PCP for the first time. It was an appointment wiht the OB nurse but I did meet the doctor, and the nurse treated me like I was "normal." She did not understand the magnitude of what we've been through emotionally to get to this point, nor did she understand my anxiety over the sketchy answers I was given at my last doctor's office. it was so nice to have a nurse have hope and faith in me.

We went over the prenatal blood work I had done and she said everything was fine (PHEW) but then I asked her what my hCG number was and if it was still climbing appropriately and she said they didn't even give me a pregnancy test they just assumed I knew what I was talking about. I immediately began to panic because although I've had all the symptoms my old doctor was not confident. When she called to "confirm" she said, well teh numbers went up. I asked "Does that mean I am pregnant?" she said "yup" (VERY unenthusiastic) and so I asked "can I get excited?" and she said "yup" (also unenthusiastic). It was such a let down. It almost felt as if they didn't want me to be pregnant. They told me I couldn't and that they couldn't help me and refered me to the RE and when I went to confirm the pregnancy they were unenthusiastic and it felt as if they were reluctant to give me the blood work after the urine test at 4:00pm (when I was only 4 weeks along) came back negative. They were detrimental to my mental and emotional well being in relation to my fertility. I am so glad to be done with them.

Because I was panicking after I left the Dr.'s office I went and bought another HPT and peed on it as soon as I got home (ironically at 4:00 today) it said pregnant almost immediately so I relaxed and let the nausea wash over me. I just simply cannot believe how my FORMER doctor's office treated this whole situation. I am so relieved to be working with a doctor who has hope for the future of my family and said a BIG congrautlations upon meeting me today. I cannot wait to go back in 12 days and 12 hours to hear the heartbeat. I barely held it together today talking about the schedule of appointments and what I need to do, I will be a basketcase (but in a good way) on heartbeat day. Hoping for a strong one- then people at work can know and I can stop trying to suck in my stomach wherever I go and can embrace the fact that my pants are tightening at an alarming rate.

Missing

2009-04-05T20:14:00.002-04:00

Yup, I've been missing lately. At night I just do not have the energy to blog- plus I don't really know what to say. Also I've been incredibly busy despite National Boards being completed...

I started teaching at my local college. Only two people have been to the class- the rest of them dropped before we even began. In the interest of saving money the college dropped me back to one night a week and are only paying me half of what they promised but I still have to cover all the material, just in half the sessions. Honestly, I feel like it's a good compromise. I wanted to just have them cancel the class, but DH is right, this is great experience and I can see if I like higher ed. We can also use the money for all the medical expenses coming our way.

Drama club is in full swing right now and that keeps me out one night a week. This year's group is actually coming together AWESOME. I cannot wait for the play. My life continues to be hectic and crazy but I have April break in two more weeks. That will give me a chance to rest and relax. Then all my commitments are done after May 20th. Phew

That was hard

2009-03-26T15:48:00.003-04:00

My national board test was challenging this morning. If I had a crystal ball (and BTW if someone has one for sale let me know) and knew what March would bring for me personally, I would have postponed National Boards for a few years. (Or maybe I would have looked up all the right answers but whatever).

This morning has been my most pregnant feeling morning yet. Between the morning sickness and my nerves I didn't want to eat before the test but knew I couldn't go until 11am without eating. Through the entire first half of the test I was convinced I was going to throw up all over the computer or pass out in my seat. At my break I went up to pee which sadly broke the seal for the second half of the test. As if having to pee for the last 90 minutes wasn't enough, one of the questions was about food and my stomach immediately felt less nauseous and more hungry. Luckily for me Kentucky Fried Chicken opens at 10:00 am and a lady asking for extra crispy breast meal and nachos doesn't phase anyone.

I did not go back to school this afternoon but rather slept through my celebration of NBPTS finally being over. THE Box is sitting right here next to me with just my forms waiting to be copied before I mail it off to be scored. Honestly, I know no time is perfect for this kind of professional commitment but if I had know DH would be sick, we would FINALLY be pregnant and our world turned upside down, I'd have put it off for a good 6 years. But I am crossing my fingers that everything makes sense, I pass and get my bonus of $3,000 a year for the next 10 years! YAY!

The light!!

2009-03-25T20:46:00.003-04:00

I can nearly see it. This has been a dark tunnel that we've been down the last 12 months but I am finding hope.

Tomorrow is my national board exam and then after I am mailing my portfolio. I got my last pictures developed today and I just need to let it go. I could continue working on my entries but at some point (March 31 according to the board) I have to let it go and just wait for scores. Tomorrow afternoon I should be feeling like a million bucks.

I have started teaching at a local college which is actually neat but sadly, my class size is tiny... I don't know if they will let me continue. It's an eight week course two nights a week and I am teaching Introduction to Early Childhood Education. Only two people showed up both Monday and Wednesday. Hopefully more will add by Monday and the class will fly, although it may be a blessing if the course was canceled despite the fact that we could use the money to pad the old nest egg. Either way though the class isn't causing me too much stress right now and will be over the second week in May. I can do anything for 7 more weeks! :-)

So the light is coming, It's a speck in the distance right now but I can see it. Looking forward to 15 hours from now when I can put National Boards behind me for at least 6 months.

National Board

2009-03-22T16:35:00.002-04:00

This is it, the final week. I am mailing out my portfolio within the next 7 calendar days. Hard to believe that this process is coming to a close but there you have it. This has been one of the most challenging processes I've ever gone through. People really weren't kidding when they told me all the work that would go into it. I am taking my test on Thursday and *hopefully* mailing in THE BOX on the same day and being done with it. What a relief that will be!

I am glad to have gone through the process. I just hope my work is good enough for the National Board approval. Once the box is mailed there is nothing I can do until next December when my scores come. That is almost a blessing and a curse because I want to know the scores now but it will give me some time away from the process in case there are pieces that need to be reworked. If I do achieve certification, I am taking next year off completely from everything. No teaching at a college, no working on additional certifications/degrees, perhaps still facilitating after school clubs but cutting WAY back on the committees I volunteer for. With Goober I am sure it will be easier to say no to things as I will want/need to be home. And it's OK to take a year off of extra things. Right?

DH Update

2009-03-19T20:55:00.002-04:00

Sorry- I skated over DH's diagnosis. To be honest the pregnancy thing has completely overshadowed his stuff right now. I have been trying hard to have our families not just focus on how I am feeling but to check on him too....

On Monday he went in for an intimate procedure...
The good news- NO CANCER!!!!!
The bad news- we don't know why he's in pain.
The good news- he doesn't seem to be in AS MUCH pain anymore (thanks to the old clean out!)
The bad news- they found 2 hernias and he needs an operation.

Considering what they could have found and diagnosed we are thrilled with the results!!

Bloggers Block

2009-03-19T20:24:00.002-04:00

It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just I haven't known how to say it. I guess I'll just do it...

Sunday I went in for more blood work. I had this phlebotomist named Pipi. She was GREAT! I didn't even cry (first time in my LIFE) I am goign to request her EVERY time. That was Sunday morning at 10:00.

Called my doc 8:30 Monday morning. They said they had the results but had to wait for a doctor to interpret them. I waited until I had to take DH to his procedure at 11:30 and called them again. They said they were STILL waiting for a doctor- HELLO Look at the two numbers, are they going up or down?! At 3:00 they called me back. The results were positive!!!! Of course DH was in the procedure in a deep sleep so the older lady in the waiting room was the first to know my happy news.

I made sure I asked 3 times if we could get excited. The nurse said yes and I paced until DH woke up. I managed to ask him how he did before I blurted out the news and tried to climb on the hospital bed! He was still half under anesthetic and I just flashed 5 fingers at him (that's how far they thought I was along) He quickly woke up and asked "There are FIVE of them?!" LOL I laughed and said "No just one we think."

Once he came to it was me trying to calm him down. All our parents had been calling all day to check on him to see how it went and what the docs found but all he'd tell them was, there is some serious news, we need to have a meeting tonight. Well all our parents came over and his mother REFUSED to do anything until we told her what was up. That's when he told them we were pregnant. I couldn't believe how hard his mother punched him. My mother cried and cried and cried. My father just asked "how did that happen?" at which point DH started teasing him about biology.

It's been a week now since the first positive pregnancy test and it's beginning to sink in. I am trying not to get too excited until we hear the heartbeat on April 21 but it's both harder and easier each day. Only 32 days until we hear our Goober's heartbeat!

POSITIVE!

2009-03-16T17:00:00.001-04:00

The blood tests came back positive!! The doctor says if all goes well then we can expect to welcome a Thanksgiving baby! This is so UNREAL.

Saturday's Results

2009-03-15T18:23:00.002-04:00

My doctor's office was great Saturday morning. I called and called until they picked up at 8:40. The receptionist didn't think they'd get my results but once she understood what I was looking for she was on my team.
At 10:30 the nurse practitioner called me and said that the blood tests showed I was pregnant but my hCG was low. They needed me to go back Sunday (today) to get another reading to see if I am really early pregnant or if there is a miscarriage happening.
Amazingly we have not told a soul this weekend. One reason is because the Dr. recommended we don't tell anyone that we don't want to have to tell that it's over and the second reason is we just want to be sure...
DH was the one keeping my excitement in check saying we don't want to get our hopes up because he's afraid of the disappointment if things don't work out but that lasted about 12 hours. Once we heard from the Dr. yesterday he was on board and today I was the one keeping HIS excitement in check.
Tomorrow morning we will know more but the next 14 hours feel like a lifetime. My anxios feeling is not helped by the fact that tomorrow is DH's colonoscopy so sleep tonight will be minimal and we are housebound as he's quite busy tonight running to and from the bathroom. :-/ what a weekend for the G household! At least we will both have answers tomorrow.

Friday the 13th strikes again!

2009-03-14T06:35:00.004-04:00

First of all you should know that contrary to popular belief 13 is actually a lucky number for my husband and I. Our first place together was #13, our address now ads up to 13, it seems each 13th we have good news or something exciting happens. 13 has been a theme in our relationship since the beginning... now on to my post.

Am I pregnant??
Well according to 3/5 hpts yes.....
According to 1 I took Fri. night and one at the doc's office at 4pm Friday, no....

I am up earlier than I have been any other day this week waiting for 8:30 when the answering service goes off to bug my doctor into getting the blood test results...

Let me start at the beginning. As you know, I have been diagnosed with PCOS and both the doctor and RE were unsure if I even ovulate at all. We quit BCP Feb 1 and we've been charting and *trying* to conceive in relation to my chart (I don't even know if charting works for someone with PCOS).

I haven't had a period yet, but that's not unusual. I have been massively crampy though this week and yesterday morning I POAS in frustration. I said to the stick, "if my period won't start you better be positive". And it was. I quickly grabbed another test (yes I have a supply) this one digital. I waited for DH to go to work, I didn't want to get his hopes up before I saw that word. He left, I peed, it said Pregnant. I cried and then left for work. I paced until 8:30 when my Dr. opens (drove the answering service crazy starting my calling in at 8:25 and the Dr finally picking up at 8:45). Made an appointment and left 5 minutes early from school.

The nurse at the Dr. was SO sweet. I was a complete basket case because this was NOT supposed to happen even as much as we want it. I was supposed to need months of treatments and the RE wouldn't even guarantee anything. Well I peed in a cup there and the nurse said she'd be back in 5 to congratulate me. She didn't come back. The Dr. Came in and explained that it was negative and that could mean 2 things....
It's too early and my pee was dilute
OR
I am miscarying

I promptly burst into tears but she was so great. She set me up with blood work which I went and did ON MY OWN! For those of you who don't know me, I have a phobia of needles. It's beyond a fear. My father used to jokingly tell DH that he needed to take me for a shot before he decided to spend his life with me. DH came with my father and I once and he stayed in the waiting room but could hear me. When I emerged tear stained and sheepish he hugged me and said he never understood. I digress... I went by myself and I only cried and panicked a little bit. The lady who drew my blood was so great and chatted with me like I wasn't freaking out. She did recommend I take a valium before I go back Sunday...

Now I am waiting for Dr. Office to open up so I can find out how the blood test went. Positive, I go back Sunday to see if numbers are going up. Negative and.... well we will see. Let's hope for positive. I took another HPT this morning and that was positive so hopefully yesterday was just early for the pee and it will get stronger over the weekend...

He tried....

2009-03-12T06:55:00.003-04:00

Last night when I posted I was in the middle of a right good breakdown. I vacillated between hysterical crying and laughter due to my current level of stress. (Yes I did bring about a considerable amount of stress upon myself...) Well DH wanted to go out to the mall and pick up some things and I refused to leave the house so he called his mother and they went out together...

He came home with a flourish of "I got you a present..." I smiled because I was trying to be nice and make up for my craziness just hours before. He pulled out a giant book called Skippyjon Jones for my classroom. He laughed out loud telling me it's about a Siamese cat who thinks it's a Chihuahua. He was right it was hilarious and we laughed as we read it to Patek because he is siamese.

I love children's literature. My master's is in ECE Literacy and that is my certificate area for NBPT. After we finished giggling over the antics of Skippyjon he said he got me another present but this one was for the house. and he pulls THIS out...

I just stared at him. I was trying to be nice but honestly- a book about being pregnant to read to our unborn child? And that is just how he presented it to me... "honey you can read this to the baby as soon as you know you're pregnant. It's our baby's first book." (Actually Walter the Farting Dog was our baby's first book but I think my mother donated it to the library after she read the phrase "rectal flatulance" and decided she didn't want those to be the baby's first words)
I thanked him for the book but with a real ache in my heart. I know he was doing something kind and nice for me and trying to cheer me up but it left me this empty feeling and pervasive sadness thinking about how this book will be old and dusty before I'll ever get to read it to anyone but us...